Tags : : crossdreaming
Intuitively, I think the root of it all, or whatever triggered my predisposition to crossdreaming can be traced back to a single incident that is always present in my mind. I was six or seven and totally naïve with regards to sex, when it happened. A male cousin of mine three years older than I was told me me in his room that he was learning CPR and that he needed someone to practice with. I agreed to play along. He seemed quite eager to get started. I was somewhat indifferent.My cousin turned off the lights, and told me to lie still on his bed. He then began making out with me and caressing me all over my body. At first, I thought he was actually doing CPR to me, and in my innocense I even tried to breath in the air from his mouth, but then I began to realize that what he was doing to me was more like what you see in movies when couples are together. I let him do and laid still. I was not distressed by what was happening. On the contrary, it was rahter pleasant. Two or three minutes later, my cousin's brother opened the door and looked at us in a way that made me feel ashamed. That was that, it was over, nothing like that ever happened again. I told no one.
A few years later, I began to crave those moments with my cousin. He grew up to be a handsome teen but he never made any moves on me again, despite of the fact that spent time together more often than not. He was pretty much into girls, and girls were very much into him. That's when I began wondering with the what if I were a girl? He would surely be into me if I were one. I was never sentimentally in love with my cousin. I had no real feelings for him. I just wanted to relive being still and being a submissive receptor. That's when the fantasies began. I would picture myself as a girl and engaging in sex with him. Later on I also fantasized with faceless male figures. The fantasy of being taken and having a female body were (and still are) overwhelming and very exciting. The fantasies involve being dresses in skirts, dresses, shaved legs, high heels, and having the life of a girl. I guess you should be familiarized with these cravings.
I never considered transitioning and have cross-dressed from time to time. I engaged in homosexual relationships a number of times but they never really worked. They satisfied me to a certain point but in the end were disappointing. Namely because whenever I looked at my male body while being taken by another male simply broke the spell. On the other hand, heterosexual relationships were very satisfying to me and sentimentally fullfilling. It's like there are two versions of me. I am happily married now and have a daughter, but the fantasies and the masturbation that follows are still a part of my everyday life.
So, that's my story in short. I hope I can make friends here whom I can share these feelings misunderstood by most.