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May 1 17 2:20 PM

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Hello everyone. My primary motivation for joining this forum was to find people with whom to share experiences. My "crossdreams" are rather intense, and they are absolutely an undeniable part of me. I'm 48 now (I can hardly believe that), and I've had  these so called autogenyphilic dreams ever since I was a preteen boy in elementary school. I was an only child back then (now I have two half brothers and two half sisters).

Intuitively, I think the root of it all, or whatever triggered my predisposition to crossdreaming can be traced back to a single incident that is always present in my mind.  I was six or seven and totally naïve with regards to sex, when it happened. A male cousin of mine three years older than I was told me me in his room that he was learning CPR and that he needed someone to practice with. I agreed to play along. He seemed quite eager to get started. I was somewhat indifferent.My cousin turned off the lights, and told me to lie still on his bed. He then began making out with me and caressing me all over my body. At first, I thought he was actually doing CPR to me, and in my innocense I even tried to breath in the air from his mouth, but then I began to realize that what he was doing to me was more like what you see in movies when couples are together. I let him do and laid still. I was not distressed by what was happening. On the contrary, it was rahter pleasant. Two or three minutes later, my cousin's brother opened the door and looked at us in a way that made me feel ashamed. That was that, it was over, nothing like that ever happened again. I told no one.

A few years later, I began to crave those moments with my cousin. He grew up to be a handsome teen but he never made any moves on me again, despite of the fact that spent time together more often than not. He was pretty much into girls, and girls were very much into him. That's when I began wondering with the what if I were a girl? He would surely be into me if I were one. I was never sentimentally in love with my cousin. I had no real feelings for him. I just wanted to relive being still and being a submissive receptor.  That's when the fantasies began. I would picture myself as a girl and engaging in sex with him. Later on I also fantasized with faceless male figures. The fantasy of being taken and having a female body were (and still are) overwhelming and very exciting. The fantasies involve being dresses in skirts, dresses, shaved legs, high heels, and having the life of a girl. I guess you should be familiarized with these cravings.

I never considered transitioning and have cross-dressed from time to time. I engaged in homosexual relationships a number of times but they never really worked. They satisfied me to a certain point but in the end were disappointing. Namely because whenever I looked at my male body while being taken by another male simply broke the spell. On the other hand, heterosexual relationships were very satisfying to me and sentimentally fullfilling. It's like there are two versions of me. I am happily married now and have a daughter, but the fantasies and the masturbation that follows are still a part of my everyday life.

So, that's my story in short. I hope I can make friends here whom I can share these feelings misunderstood by most. 
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#1 [url]

May 2 17 12:11 AM

Thank you for sharing this, Indigo, and welcome to the forum!

Childhood sexuality is one of thise topics that remain a taboo, even if researchers have documented that such feelings are quite common, as is the kind of "experimentation" you are describing here. I suspect they were even more common before the age of large houses/flats and separate bedrooms, where the whole family lived in the same room and the kids could see the animals doing what animals do.

Researchers like Kinsey have taught us that even if most have an inborn preference for one gender, there is a lot of same-sex experimentation, even in the most uptight societies. So there is nothing unusual in what you have told us.

 I just wanted to relive being still and being a submissive receptor.


It looks like what your cousin did to you awakened one particular longing, which you associate with being a woman. That makes sense to me, as well. This is not a kind of longing exclusive to gay men. Male assigned persons who prefer women may feel like this as well, as do many (most?) trans women. I most definitely feel that longing. And i prefer women :)

I wonder: Have you ever talked about this with your wife (or anyone else for that matter)?
 

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#2 [url]

May 2 17 4:32 AM

I think that whenever we think back to 'This particular childhood experience probably caused this (unwanted) desire', we are getting cause and effect mixed up in our heads, perhaps as a defence mechanism.
I mean, knowing what I know now, as an adult, and were I a bit more self-aware back then, probably as a teenager too, I could easily point out which particular small boys were likely to grow up to be gay or at least bi, and so which might be amenable to a bit of experimentation with an older boy, or which might be easily persuaded and then easily shamed into secrecy.
Were I into that sort of thing, which obviously I am not, but from one perspective it is rather obvious, and is basically nature not nurture.

So the victim of the experience thinks, 'I'm only gay because of this terrible thing that happened to me when I was younger', and the rest of society thinks 'We really have to be paranoid about protecting our children from all the terrible sexual predators turning our kids gay', and someone like Paris Lees now talks about how she had adult men travelling from all over the country to use her as a pre-op teenage MTF prostitute, and she's actually quite proud of her past and her struggles to overcome her terrible upbringing, but heaven help you if you were one of the men she's referring too.. coz then you could so easily have been locked up bang-to-rights for messing around with a vulnerable teenage boy in the public toilets.
Something of a double-standard going on there..

I mean, knowing what I know now I can point to several times as a teenager when stuff happened that made me very excited, that wasn't what you'd call typical for a boy, but I don't think the experiences actually caused the excitement, or sent me careening down the wrong path in life, they were just examples of a latent sexuality that I wasn't very consciously aware of at the time.

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#3 [url]

May 2 17 5:33 AM

Hello Jack. Thanks so much  for your reply. I totally agree. The incident I described was a trigger to something that was already present in me. I'm sure that if that incident hadn't taken place, the fantasies would have emerged through another eventual trigger. BTW, my cousin and I actually both lived separately in pretty large, neighboring suburban houses where parents were mostly absent because they had to commute to work.

The longing to be a woman is very strong in me. In fact, I never considered transitioning because I would not have the whole life of a woman (probably the same reason why homosexuality was not the ticket for me), so I guess I've learned to be content with being what I am. But the fantasies continue strong as ever. And I do sense there are strong feminine aspects in my personality.

I have spoken about this to my wife but as if these longing were a thing of the past. I do not know if full disclosure would be a good thing since these longing don't really interfere with me being a husband. What's your take on this?

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#4 [url]

May 2 17 6:26 AM

Hello Xora. It's great to have your reply and actually be able to discuss these issues. And I couldn't agree more with you. As I told Jack, this incident just woke something that was already there, and would have been with all certainty awakened by another one if it hand't happened. I know this. I don't blame my cousin nor do I feel like a victim. But even today, some 40 something years after the incident took place, it still fuels my fantasies of being a woman. These fantansies and the longing are an intrinsic part of me.

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#5 [url]

May 2 17 8:46 AM

Welcome to the forum Indigo ... I can point to no traumatic childhood experience that might have contributed to my crossdreaming but thanks for sharing your story

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#7 [url]

May 3 17 2:41 PM

Indigo Blaze wrote:
Hello everyone. My primary motivation for joining this forum was to find people with whom to share experiences. My "crossdreams" are rather intense, and they are absolutely an undeniable part of me. I'm 48 now (I can hardly believe that), and I've had  these so called autogenyphilic dreams ever since I was a preteen boy in elementary school. I was an only child back then (now I have two half brothers and two half sisters).

Intuitively, I think the root of it all, or whatever triggered my predisposition to crossdreaming can be traced back to a single incident that is always present in my mind.  I was six or seven and totally naïve with regards to sex, when it happened. A male cousin of mine three years older than I was told me me in his room that he was learning CPR and that he needed someone to practice with. I agreed to play along. He seemed quite eager to get started. I was somewhat indifferent.My cousin turned off the lights, and told me to lie still on his bed. He then began making out with me and caressing me all over my body. At first, I thought he was actually doing CPR to me, and in my innocense I even tried to breath in the air from his mouth, but then I began to realize that what he was doing to me was more like what you see in movies when couples are together. I let him do and laid still. I was not distressed by what was happening. On the contrary, it was rahter pleasant. Two or three minutes later, my cousin's brother opened the door and looked at us in a way that made me feel ashamed. That was that, it was over, nothing like that ever happened again. I told no one.

A few years later, I began to crave those moments with my cousin. He grew up to be a handsome teen but he never made any moves on me again, despite of the fact that spent time together more often than not. He was pretty much into girls, and girls were very much into him. That's when I began wondering with the what if I were a girl? He would surely be into me if I were one. I was never sentimentally in love with my cousin. I had no real feelings for him. I just wanted to relive being still and being a submissive receptor.  That's when the fantasies began. I would picture myself as a girl and engaging in sex with him. Later on I also fantasized with faceless male figures. The fantasy of being taken and having a female body were (and still are) overwhelming and very exciting. The fantasies involve being dresses in skirts, dresses, shaved legs, high heels, and having the life of a girl. I guess you should be familiarized with these cravings.

I never considered transitioning and have cross-dressed from time to time. I engaged in homosexual relationships a number of times but they never really worked. They satisfied me to a certain point but in the end were disappointing. Namely because whenever I looked at my male body while being taken by another male simply broke the spell. On the other hand, heterosexual relationships were very satisfying to me and sentimentally fullfilling. It's like there are two versions of me. I am happily married now and have a daughter, but the fantasies and the masturbation that follows are still a part of my everyday life.

So, that's my story in short. I hope I can make friends here whom I can share these feelings misunderstood by most. 

Hi there Indigo Blaze,

 Yeah, I completely get what you mean by being familar with these cravings.  This is probably one of only a handful of places where we can mention these things and be understood with no judgment.  I think I can safely say we have all been there in one form or another.

And I also feel like there are two versions of me as well.  Not in a multiple personality sort of way, but there is definitely a split in my psyche.  

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story with us.  I find that each and every new poster who shares their story brings us all together more.

So from one Sister in Dream to another, "Welcome to CDL!"




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#9 [url]

May 3 17 5:27 PM

For me the split personality was what caused my dysphoria. I know now that my gender is feminine, but I had created a male psyche that I hid behind that I let control my life. It was only when I realized this and let my feminine side take over that my dysphoria went away.

Lindsay


"The thing is you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear, dig?" the Pointed Man

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#10 [url]

May 3 17 11:14 PM

I have spoken about this to my wife but as if these longing were a thing of the past. I do not know if full disclosure would be a good thing since these longing don't really interfere with me being a husband. What's your take on this?


Ah, that is a tricky question. There are too many variables when two people share a life for there to be a simple recipe for answering this conundrum.

The more the crossdreaming move over in gender dysphoria, the harder it is to live with it without it darkening ones lives, and by implication the lives of the loved ones. I tried to keep my other side secret to protect my wife and my relationship, and it did neither of us any good. (I ended up outing myself by accident, which turned out to be a very good thing, for both of us.) The problem here is that if the partner does not like the idea of gender variance, at least not in her or his partner, full disclosure may ruin the whole relationship. But I am coming to the conclusion that it is better to be open about this. Love is about sharing the good and the bad.

I am not sure about you. I can sense that the dreams of being the other gender are strong, but at the same time you seem to be able to take on the role of the husband, as well, without too much frustration (Correct me if I am wrong). If that is the case, your partner may just look at this as your special kink, a kink that does not threaten the dynamics of your relationship. If she is right about this, talking about it might not be much of a threat to what you have.Maybe she would even be willing to integrate this into some of your sex play. But you know her better than we do! If she has been raised in a very conservative and uptight environment, there is always a risk.

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#11 [url]

May 7 17 7:58 PM

I think "triggered" is probably exactly the right term - something else would've probably triggered it eventually had things gone differently. I had an experience that somewhat similarly acted as a kind of trigger - there had been some crossdreaming before, but this really raised the volume. When I was 17 or 18, I was riding the subway (Mexico City), and it stopped between stops and the lights went off. I was standing next to a man, and felt his fingers brush past the front of my jeans. I wasn't sure it was on purpose or accidental, but when it happened again I knew it was deliberate and to my shock I got an erection, which he felt and fondled me a bit - then the lights came back on. I actually had sex with my then gf later that day - but even as we did it I was fantasizing about being in her place. It didn't cause my crossdreaming, which started years earlier, but it did trigger the opening of the floodgates.

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