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Apr 18 17 3:57 AM

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This is a little bit of my musing on the absolute separation between reality and fantasy as it applies to myself and I figured this could spark an interesting bit of discussion. In my introduction post I mention that I basically have two mind states; one where I'm pretty much genderless, logical and practical, and he other one is my inner woman AKA my libido and stronger emotional mind state. I would like to take you back to the summer of 2004 when I went backpacking in Thailand for three weeks with a group. I had been aware of my crossdreaming for around ten years, though not knowing that specific term back then and I was still figuring things out anyway. This trip is a constant reminder to me how reality and fantasy are two different things, or rather how my gender identity is almost separate when looking at it as outward and inward identity and their associated mind state. Let me start with telling you about a true event. So in the final week of the backpacking trip I was suffering from quite a bad headache and to hopefully affect some relief I organised a head and shoulder massage. The headache did decrease, but I also got relaxed to the point of drowsiness. Since I had stubbed my toe on a large stone while in the sea earlier that week the lady indicated that she could clip my toes for me after the massage and ensure that the rip got smoothed out. Shortly after I fell asleep. Suddenly I woke up by one of the girls from my group saying my name and while chuckling she told me that the lady was actually painting my fingernails a bright crimson. I then calmly told the lady I didn't want them painted, so she removed the nail polish reluctantly, saying that I would look rather handsome in red, especially since she could get me a matching dress if I wanted. She also said that my hair was far to short. I said no to the nail polish, and the dress and dropped off again for a few minutes. Later on the girls of the group were quite loudly talking about how the massage lady had wanted to make me into a ladyboy, which caused them to have a massive chuckle at my expense, plus they were trying to get me embarrassed by talking about how my nails were so shiny and girly; I assume the girl who told me about my nails being painted had walked off and so didn't hear the comments about the dress or my hair. The guys just seemed to want nothing to do with me, especially since this probably confirmed a few things for them about me. You see, when visiting temples we had to cover up our bare legs. I did generally wear trousers during that trip which had the zips so they could be converted into either full length, three-quarter length, or above the knee shorts, however I found this rather cumbersome, especially if we were only going to be in the temple for fifteen minutes or so, so absolutely obliviously of binary gender and favouring practicality over anything else I bought a sarong. Let's face it, it's far easier to wrap around your self, no need to take off shoes/sandals, no figuring out which one was the left and which one the right trouser leg, and no mucking around with zips. Instead it was wrap, tuck, and visit temple. Practical, right? Not once did I consider that to be any form of crossdressing whatsoever, and I didn't get embarrassed or aroused by this either. I don't know whether it was unrelated, but the lady deciding to paint my nails and offer me the chance to borrow a dress could possibly have heard of my non-binary practicality of wearing a sarong for quick temple visits and assumed I was a kathoey who needed extra help in becoming more feminine.  This whole experience was interesting considering the following facts. I had crossdressed a few times before and after then and this had been a cause for arousal. I've also had fantasies about being changed into a woman, either by force or necessity or as part of a game, bet or practical joke. Yet in both situations mentioned above I didn't feel anything like that, which tells me there's a distinct separation between my genderless and inner woman identities and mind state, so much so that there are distinct behavioural responses to the same events depending on whether I'm fully emerged in this reality (genderless mind state), or whether I'm fantasising or combining reality and fantasy (inner woman mind state). This separation is why I consider myself a crossdreamer and not a woman trapped in a male body. What are your thoughts? Do you experience a similar distinct separation? Or do you experience a level of integration of your inner woman where for instance your response in a similar situation to my massage anecdote would cause you to jump at the offered chance of going girly?

X, Fabienne
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#1 [url]

Apr 18 17 4:30 PM

It's more like two separate beings, not mind states. Depending on who is more active now, it can be seen as different mental states. About one being I'm not sure, is it genderless or male? He is good at cold at impersonal logic, if we can count programming as form of spellcraft, he will be like a warlock, more inerested in research, spells, books that in what is going on in the world. But this part of me usually does most of the interactions with the world.

Second by number part is definitely female, she is strongly emotional, and responsive for sexuality (first part is essentially asexual). Can say, that she is a succubus :) She was for long years like a passenger, but recently she become a leader of duo. They both share memories, but they remember events differently, like "I remember it with details, but it wasn't with me". They process things differently, but usually they came to agreement. They are stronlgy connected emotionally, but yet they are distinct.

If I have a chance to wear a dress while visiting a temple, succubus part of me will be delighted and concerned. It's not safe, to be seen by random people in dress. This unsafety, fear and anxiety is a reason, why I do not crossdress. But given a chance in safe environment, I will dress up :) Warlock... he have nothing against dresses, and if succubus wants to wear one, he will enjoy succubus's ejoyment.

 

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#2 [url]

Apr 18 17 5:14 PM

Fabienne wrote:
This separation is why I consider myself a crossdreamer and not a woman trapped in a male body. What are your thoughts? Do you experience a similar distinct separation? Or do you experience a level of integration of your inner woman where for instance your response in a similar situation to my massage anecdote would cause you to jump at the offered chance of going girly?

I definitely experience "splitting," but my experience was a bit different.  

For context, I was a "dark crossdreamer" at the time.  I mean, I knew I crossdreamed, but I had a huge mental block that prevented me from even thinking of the possibility that on any level that I actually wanted to be female.  At that time, I considered it a fetish and nothing more. 

What happened was that we had some relatives over for the holidays.  The relatives included my stepdad's female cousin and her two young daughters.  One day while they were there I was taking a nap and they decided to paint my toenails without my permission.  To say I didn't take it well and over-reacted would be an understatement.  In the end, everyone got a good laugh at my expense.

Looking back, I think on an unconscious level part of the reason I over-reacted is because I was insecure in my own gender.  I fantasized every single day about being a girl, but all I could see when they did that to me was red (same color as the polish).

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#3 [url]

Apr 19 17 3:13 AM

Thanks for the replies, definitely some food for thought. Plus I wasn't aware of that creative crossdreamer vocabulary; seems there are some useful terms in there.

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#4 [url]

Apr 19 17 6:27 AM

Thanks for sharing your stories Fabienne, Barbara and Vaydra... I went traveling went I was in my 20s and it was a trip on when I did a fair amount of what we now call crossdreaming. It was before the days of the internet so it was a time when information was in short supply, and the chance to touch base with people who felt the same was non-existent. I know there were a few places where I felt I'd done the town and I just went to the library in the town and read whatever they had on trans stuff. I read the most part of Jab Morris's Autobiography in one afternoon.

I also collected at that time any magazine that had a positive story about a trans person (either direction).. I remember there was one with the headline 'I set off round the world as a man and came back as a woman" I thought that was a wonderfully romantic tale.......

I'm not sure I buy the two beings in one body narrative... though as I always say, such things are personal. I'd never contradict how another person feels about themselves... But I'm pretty sure I'm one being with many possibilities

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#5 [url]

Apr 19 17 9:18 AM

For a very long time, I saw myself as a pretty average guy with some unusual fantasies. Yet looking back, I can see now I had a lot of insecurity about who I was even back then. My fantasies were very far removed from reality. They weren't just about me being a girl, but being a girl in a totally different life that had almost no overlap at all with my day to day existence. On the reality side, I tried very hard to be about as masculine as I could, and for a while I believe I actually appeared that way to most people. This allowed me to put my life into separate compartments, which worked fairly well for a very long time, but occasionally dysphoria would take over in a really big way and leave me rather confused. Yet having that huge wall between reality and fantasy worked well for me for a very long time. At some point, I started to let that wall come down. I started abandoning much of the hyper masculine trappings of my reality, and I increasingly moved my fantasies to fit in more with real life. Once I let that wall down a little, it completely collapsed

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