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Apr 7 17 10:13 AM

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In middle school, I was a complete ass-kissing straight-A student.  I did not go to parties.  I did not play sports.  I did not do drugs.  I did not date girls.  I was not friends with any of the popular kids.

I just studied and got good grades.  My one activity unrelated to school was the BOY SCOUTS.


I was terrified of girls!  One day, a popular girl walked up to me after a science class and stopped me.  I thought that she was going to ask for help with her homework. 

Instead,she said to me:  "You think you're so hot because you get good grades!"  Then, she stepped up against me and she cupped my balls and penis and said: "You're not even a man!"

A crowd of girls behind her sceamed and laughed.  I was humiliated and mentally undone.  But, I was also completely turned on.   I do not know how I made it to my next class.  I think if I had been hetreosexual, I would have cum in my pants.  I, being gay, did not even get a hard-on.  I was just confused and turned on in a mental way.

I have always wondered if that experience caused me to go straight.  I have always looked for a woman who could turn me on like that girl.  I thought that I could lead a heterosexual if I could find a woman like her.  She has been in my fantasies throughout my life.





 

Last Edited By: harri Apr 7 17 10:19 AM. Edited 2 times

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Apr 8 17 3:08 AM

I also wonder if not experiences like your can make some crossdreamers enjoy sissy fantasies. The normal explanation (and one that I have repeated) is that sissy submission fantasies represent some kind of 'out of jail' card, in that submission releaves the crossdreamer of guilt in a 'I am not to blame' kind of way.

I guess her reaction towards you might have caused some kind metal confusion on your part. She invalidated you as a man (which is humiliating) but she validated you as a woman (which is a kind of affirmation of the female side of you). So being humiliated makes that other side visible to yourself, which feels good because it is good.

But when you say that this experience made you straight, does that mean that you were attracted to men before?

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Apr 8 17 7:52 AM

I do not think that I had strong sexual desire at that time. My desire was not strong for either men or women. I think that I was in the middle of the Kinsey scale. I think that experience made it easier for me to turn to women. It made women more attractive.

I think that she exposed my femme side. I think that the experience was painful at the time, but it was validating and wonderful.

I do not think that she validated me as a women. I think that only I could affirm by self as a women. I do not believe that: "if that if you are not a man, you are a woman."

I do not believe in a natural gender binary. I do not think that women are "not men" because they lack a penis.  I think men and women force themselves into the gender binary.  Men and women work hard to create "opposite sexes."  I think that with out all of the effort to create the gender binary, we would have a gender spectrum.  I think that the women's movement has been somewhat successful in breaking down the gender binary for women.  I think that men have resisted the break down of the binary.  I am a 100% committed feminist!  

I do not think that feminine behavior and characteristics are limited to females.

Last Edited By: harri Apr 8 17 9:33 AM. Edited 1 time.

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Apr 8 17 12:11 PM

Hi Harri
Wow that was an extreme case of shaming. I have had some similar experience, not from the girls but the guys. I used to act pretty weird in school - not that I recognized how weird it was at the time. Guys who are loud and defiant usually get taken down a peg or two by the bullies - and that was me being down-pegged. Also, I had no desire to fight back when confronted and humiliated - even though technically I could have. Even after taking martial arts like Judo and Aikido I could have kicked ass - and yet I didn't - I did not want to.
I am also mostly a failure with women - had women who wanted to be friends, but that did not sit well with me at the time and I did not pursue those relationships; I regret that now.
The woman I eventually married made me feel very different from anyone else, she didn't expect me to do everything or make all the decisions. She didn't want to have kids and she pursued a career that made her a lot of money - sometimes more than me. We shared the heavy lifting of life. I think we've both met in the middle of the gender-binary :D

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Apr 10 17 1:09 PM

Your wife sounds great.

That was a very extreme shaming -- even for middle school.  

I think that another kind of boy would have put his hand in her pants.  But, that thought did not even occur to me.  

I think that it is amazing that something that happened in a moment -- 40 years old -- stays with me today.

Last Edited By: harri Apr 11 17 9:33 AM. Edited 2 times.

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