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Mar 29 17 8:21 AM

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My crossdreaming began when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I don't remember my first one, but one of the first involved waking up as a girl and going through my day as a girl. At the time, I had a sort of girlfriend who l played with and liked to paint my nails. I started having crossdreams where she would paint my nails and that would cause me to turn fully into a girl. I would get a full makeover and we could be girls together. I felt confused by this, but also excited and secretly hoping it could happen in reality. I knew it was something that other kids would think I was weird for wanting, but I hadn't fully learned to feel shame about it yet.
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#1 [url]

Mar 29 17 8:55 AM

I can only remember always wanting to be female. They are my earliest memories. I told my mom when I was three that I was a girl.

Lindsay


"The thing is you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear, dig?" the Pointed Man

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#3 [url]

Mar 29 17 3:23 PM

In preschool I wanted to learn to curtsy with the girls, dance like a ballerina. In kindergarten I played with the girls in their little kitchenettes instead of with the boys and their large blocks, which looked scary. Sometime in there I started going to sleep with recurring (and impossible to resist although I tried) fantasies of my mother buying a leotard and tights for me, or for me to be dressed from head to toe in dance clothes and (for some reason that I don't recall) put into a spaceship and shipped off into space!

I wish that I could remember (like Lindsay) telling my mother that I wanted to be or was a girl. She's long gone now so that's not possible. I've wondered where and how I knew that in preschool that my dreams and envies were very shameful and had to remain such a secret. From then to maybe a year ago (55+ years later) I've lived as if I was maintaining a huge lie and deception. What a shame!

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#4 [url]

Mar 30 17 3:05 AM

I don't recall actual dreams much. I mean, up until I was a teenager it was just all just a fairly strong feeling like, 'I want to do that / wear that / have that too' much more than 'I want to be that'.

When I was 14 or so and I went on a summer camp, well a variety of not so pleasant things happened, but at the end of the week there was a talent show and a bunch of older boys from my school dressed up as the Spice Girls, (which was actually the first time I'd heard of them, this being mid 1996 and they didn't make it really big till 1998).

Anyway, that's pretty much when I noticed that the idea of my doing something like that too was more than just a passing thought, and very much a turn on, but it took another few months before I got to the 'I really should just be a girl, that would make everything make sense' stage.



Then I just kind of clammed up about it all, and stuff like this happened



and everyone was just like, 'Did you know she used to be a man?', 'How could they possibly let someone like that represent their country?' etc. etc.

So while I knew then it was actually a medical possibility, I also knew it wasn't a considered a good thing for anyone to actually do, not if they wanted anyone to take them seriously, or to get a proper job etc..

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#5 [url]

Mar 30 17 8:30 AM

I was about age 9 or 10... grade 3. I used to dream that I was coming back from the mall or something, laden with shopping bags full of girl clothes and a brand new pussy and breasts. I would throw the bags aside and flop onto my bed and I then play with myself for a while. That progressed to more complex dreams later on but that was the extent of my first crossdream.

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#6 [url]

Mar 30 17 4:08 PM

Hello,

I started dreaming about becoming my wife's daughter, not that she would take care of me, but that I could sleep with her and other men together while she controlled me and penetrated me. In transition I realized this was a fantasy and started asking others if It is OK to be a lesbian transgender woman. With all of it out in the open now. My wife's acceptance, without my having to be her daughter or her lesbian slave, but simply a transgender woman, helps me to honor our bond, so that we respond to each other in respect of the fact that I am a transgender female who willingly submits my will to her.

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#7 [url]

Apr 23 17 5:03 PM

As silly as it may be, my first time was while watching the ending of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. I was probably around 7 years old.



When I saw this, I learned to that it was possible for men to become women. I instantly started thinking of myself as a beautiful woman like (circa 1994) Sean Young. Since then, the idea of being a woman stuck to me.

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#8 [url]

Apr 23 17 7:16 PM

As a young kid I always had a love of fantasy, and in particular stories of transformation. One of my favorite movies was "Willow" which had tons of different changes. Just about everything save a gender change.

Honestly, I never even thought about a sex transformation until (iirc) right before I entered seventh grade. It was at this time I saw Dr Jeckyll and Ms Hyde. The seen where Tim Daily's character transformed into a woman for the first time became etched into my psyche.

I found myself constantly fantasizing about something like that happening to me from then on out. I constantly started putting myself into that scene or creating my own scenarios after that. Almost always stories of me turning into an attractive girl against my will and trying to maintain some semblance of my former masculine (and never finding a way back.). I remember constantly sitting in classes surrounded by girls and feeling jealous of them and then imaging myself slowly changing into a girl.

It wasn't long after that before I discovered the manga series Ranma 1/2 and websites like the transformation story archive, TG story and fiction archive, fictionmania, big closet and more. Each one gave me new ideas for new fantasies. I guess I was (and I still am) constantly trying to find so new vehicle for my crossdreamer side.

Honestly I am still entranced by any story of a magic transformation, but none bring out my obsession like TG stories and I don't find the others arousing nor do they cause me to experience this nigh uncontrollable longing to be the subject of the change.

And with that I need to go bang my head against the wall a few times to get these thoughts back under control.

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#9 [url]

Apr 24 17 2:58 AM

I believe I must have been around 10 or 11. While most of my male friends dreamed about being male superheroes, I wanted to be Supergirl. I do not think I told them as much, but that was clearly my crossdream.

I also made myself a magical ring of chocolate tin foil wrappers and put it in a box. The idea was that it would somehow miraculously change me into a girl. I don't think I really believed that would happen, but the make-believe was clearly a way of coping.

And yes, I know that this is not a false memory, because I still have the ring and the box!

 image

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#10 [url]

Apr 24 17 4:44 AM

I think it's fascinating how we all seem to end up doing much the same things.
It's even more fun to look back at other people from history, people who grew up way before the advent of Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde, who tried to figure out the same stuff. How to turn that kind of subconscious awareness that something was amiss into a conscious thought, and how to keep it both secret from the outside world and readily accessible when needed. Coz we must have been doing this stuff for hundreds of years, one way or another.

http://www.crystalinks.com/jung.html
A very solitary and introverted child, Jung was convinced from childhood that he had two personalities, a modern Swiss citizen, and a personality more at home in the eighteenth century. "Personality No. 1," as he termed it, was a typical schoolboy living in the era of the time, while No. 2 was a dignified, authoritative, and influential man from the past. Although Jung was close to both parents, he was rather disappointed in his father's academic approach to faith.

A number of childhood memories inspired many of his later theories. As a boy he carved a tiny mannequin into the end of the wooden ruler from his pupil's pencil case and placed it inside the case. He then added a stone which he had painted into upper and lower halves of, and hid the case in the attic. Periodically he would come back to the manikin, often bringing tiny sheets of paper with messages inscribed on them in his own secret language. This ceremonial act, he later reflected, brought him a feeling of inner peace and security. In later years, he discovered that similarities existed in this memory and the totems of native peoples like the collection of soul-stones near Arlesheim, or the tjurungas of Australia. This, he concluded, was an unconscious ritual that he did not question or understand at the time, but was practised in a strikingly similar way in faraway locations that he as a young boy had no way of consciously knowing about. His theories of psychological archetypes and the collective unconscious were inspired in part by this experience.

Shortly before the end of his first year at the Humanistisches Gymnasium in Basel, at age 12, he was pushed unexpectedly by another boy, which knocked him to the ground so hard that he was for a moment unconscious. The thought then came to him that "now you won't have to go to school any more.". From then on, whenever he started off to school or began homework, he fainted. He remained at home for the next six months until he overheard his father speaking worriedly to a visitor of his future ability to support himself, as they suspected he had epilepsy. With little money in the family, this brought the boy to reality and he realized the need for academic excellence. He immediately went into his father's study and began poring over Latin grammar. He fainted three times, but eventually he overcame the urge and did not faint again. This event, Jung later recalled, "was when I learned what a neurosis is.


Well, obviously at the time no one, not even a 'genius' like that would have the tools to understand, let alone admit to being 'different' like that, but given the kinds of things that happened later on in his life as well, the mental breakdown and writing the 'Liber Novus' etc. I can see him being one of us, or at least someone with more than the average amount of contact with the feminine side in his psyche.
http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/m/mclynn-jung.html

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#11 [url]

Apr 24 17 3:01 PM

The first time I remember my desiring to be a girl was in preschool. I was playing with a group of boys, and I just had this feeling. "I want to be with the girls. I do not want to play with the boys."

My best friend in preschool was a girl. I remember feeling terrible when I saw her dressed only in underpants. She did not have bumps in her underpants like me. That made be really sad and anxious.

I did not want to play with the boys in my neighborhood. I wanted to hang around my mother. I wanted to help her with cooking and cleaning. (My desire to help my mother really worried my parents.)

I remember in elementary school, I wanted to line up with the girls. I remember feeling uncomfortable being in the boys bathroom because I did not want the boys to see my body -- even though I knew that I had a boy's body.

I started to have terrible anxiety about being a boy at age 11. I started to fantasize about living in a society where I could live a "girl's life."

I could be a a stay at home housewife. I could be an exotic dancer.  I could be the object of desire. i could be a sex object.

As I got older, I hated the effects of puberty.  I did not want body and facial hair.  I wanted smooth flawless skin.  I wanted to wear girls jeans and tops, but they did not fit my boy's body.  I wanted to wear panties and bras.  I wanted to grow breasts!

I wanted to wear a super tiny girl's bikini to the beach.  I hated thd baggy boy's swimsuits.  

I did not tell anyone about my fantasies.  I with withdrew into myself.  Initially, I thought that I was a Transsexual, but I learned that a Transsexual know that she is a girl. I know that I am a boy -- who want to able to live like a girl.

I tried to a normal boy.  I tried to play sports.  Mostly, I did my school work and boy scout projects.  I started writing long and detailed fantasy stories.  I started looking for people like me.  I read every book I could find about gender.

Last Edited By: harry2793 Apr 24 17 6:47 PM. Edited 6 times.

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#12 [url]

Apr 25 17 4:57 AM

harry2793 wrote:
I started to have terrible anxiety about being a boy at age 11. I started to fantasize about living in a society where I could live a "girl's life."
I could be a a stay at home housewife. I could be an exotic dancer.  I could be the object of desire. i could be a sex object.

As I got older, I hated the effects of puberty.  I did not want body and facial hair.  I wanted smooth flawless skin.  I wanted to wear girls jeans and tops, but they did not fit my boy's body.  I wanted to wear panties and bras.  I wanted to grow breasts!
I wanted to wear a super tiny girl's bikini to the beach.  I hated the baggy boy's swimsuits.  

I did not tell anyone about my fantasies.  I with withdrew into myself.  Initially, I thought that I was a Transsexual, but I learned that a Transsexual know that she is a girl. I know that I am a boy -- who want to able to live like a girl.

 

Basically that means you are actually a Transsexual, the 'knowing you are a girl' thing, against the evidence of your body, is not that much of a literal distinction, so as to disqualify you from treatment. If you see other girls and women and are strongly emotionally driven to copy their behaviour, then your subconcious-brain is telling your concious-brain that you are a girl, which is pretty much the textbook definition of a Transsexual.
I 'know' I have a penis, obviously, but I also 'know' I think like a girl, right down to the bottom of my psyche, so I have decided that the evidence of my psyche outways the evidence of my body, so now I 'know' I am essentially a girl, if you see what I mean. While I wouldn't care a jot if other people thought of me as a girl, in fact I really want that, and I've been going online as a girl since I was 14, I would mind quite a lot being seen as a 'tranny', which is what makes it more difficult IRL, but if you are still young enough that isn't an insurmountable difficulty, wheras you may find that waiting another 20-30 years makes it so.

Maybe read some of this; http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Introduction.aspx
Just weigh up all the factors, see if they tip the balance, and then tell someone else 'I always knew that I was a girl' if that's what it takes, where you live, for you to get what you want. Cos if everything you've said is true, it seems pretty clear cut.

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 25 17 4:59 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#13 [url]

Apr 25 17 6:34 AM

The first crossdreaming experience I had was my imagination suddenly shifting my self-image to that of a girl, and there were thoughts in my mind that living like a girl would be better. There are certain additional factors that supported this notion which I won't disclose here, though I'm planning to write about them in the private forum someday. I've always admired female characteristics, specifically the curves of the hips, bottom, waist and breasts, and long beautiful hair that cascades stylishly onto shoulders. I wanted these characteristics myself, even though I wanted them also in my future partner (yep, I must be lesbian). Then when I was 10 (1995) my parents had to go somewhere with my sister and I was left alone for an evening, so to while away the time I watched some TV and stumbled across a talkshow in which various MTF crossdressers and one MTF transsexual were being interviewed. It started with the crossdressers in male form talking and then after the break they presented themselves in their female forms, and the girl on hormones joined the show then too. I was riveted to the TV as I had never seen or heard of something like that before. The interview was well done without dramatics or being judgemental of it being a sexual perversion or something. Then again, it was Dutch TV and the presenter was known for being really liberal. Then it clicked why I had done "silly" things, like make myself a wig out of paper, which I wore during games of pretence, or even if I didn't necessarily incorporate that into my playing. Or why I pretended a blanket wrapped around my waist was a skirt. Those things just made me feel more in sync with my girl self-image.

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#14 [url]

May 1 17 11:43 AM

harry2793 wrote:
The first time I remember my desiring to be a girl was in preschool. I was playing with a group of boys, and I just had this feeling. "I want to be with the girls. I do not want to play with the boys."

...........

I started to have terrible anxiety about being a boy at age 11. I started to fantasize about living in a society where I could live a "girl's life."

I could be a a stay at home housewife. I could be an exotic dancer.  I could be the object of desire. i could be a sex object.

As I got older, I hated the effects of puberty.  I did not want body and facial hair.  I wanted smooth flawless skin.  I wanted to wear girls jeans and tops, but they did not fit my boy's body.  I wanted to wear panties and bras.  I wanted to grow breasts!

I wanted to wear a super tiny girl's bikini to the beach.  I hated thd baggy boy's swimsuits.  

I did not tell anyone about my fantasies.  I with withdrew into myself.  Initially, I thought that I was a Transsexual, but I learned that a Transsexual know that she is a girl. I know that I am a boy -- who want to able to live like a girl.

...............

I'm a bit confused. Everything you say points to you most likely being transsexual. You seem to show a real desire to be female and it sounds like you're probably dysphoric. I think a lot of transsexuals  go through a phase like yours where they say the same thing as what I highlighted in bold.

Maybe the male part of your psych is keeping the female part in check? It took me a long time to realize that my male facade had imprisoned my female self.

Lindsay


"The thing is you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear, dig?" the Pointed Man

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#15 [url]

May 1 17 11:54 AM

First time? I'm surprised I've not made a contribution to this convo..

I can't really say when the first time was but I know by the age of 4 or 5 I was sitting on the toilet tucking my little boy thing between my legs to see what it would look like to be a girl...

I've always had a lively imagination but the first external event that happened to me was meeting my dad in the Kitchen one Sunday morning (he would always be first up to make my Mum a cup of tea.. he told me the lady talking on the phone had been a man - I learnt or deduced later it was Jan Morris... I remember being fascinated by that fact.. No exactly self identifying but def fascinated

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#16 [url]

May 3 17 12:48 AM

In the 6th grade I was so pleased just signing autograph books with other girls in the candy store I thought for a moment that maybe since I fit in better with girls, it maybe a good idea to start acting like one. Slowly I looked at women as the superior sex, and weather it is my role to please them or not, a lot of my sexual behavior comes from my submission to them.

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#17 [url]

May 4 17 4:52 AM

Hi harry2793 you are most definitely one of us *hugs*
I think transsexuals starting using the description of themselves as definitely being a woman as a way to explain the incredible agony of dealing with gender dysphoria. You know you'll be happier if only we could flip these bits and everyone could please treat me like a girl.. ok!  Being definite, born in the wrong body, feminine essence.... if you are facing the whithering cross examination of doctor trying to determine if you should or should not be allowed your HRT prescription then trying to explain the nauance of how you feel from one moment to the next becomes meaningless. Just say you're a woman, you've always known, stop questioning me and give me the pills!
I am fascinated by the young trans I talk to because more and more they tell me they are gender fluid... even though many still seek HRT.  So what does that say? They want the characteristics of the other gender but realize they will still sometimes act and think in their old gender.
Its not wrong... it's honest. 
 

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#18 [url]

May 4 17 5:56 AM

Yes Harry, you are definitely one of us! (((More Hugs)))

I don't remember my first crossdream, but as I posted in my introduction, my oldest memory of crossdreaming was inspired by a movie called "The Two Little Bears."  (Thanks, Vaydra, for helping me identify that title!)  It was about two children who magically transformed into bear cubs.  I remember curling up in my bed that night and wishing I could use the same magic to turn myself into a girl.  I really expected to wake up the next morning and find the change had happened.  Sigh.  I thought I'd been 6 or 7 at the time, but I see the movie was released in 1961, which would've made me 9 or 10.  I'm sure I'd been crossdreaming before then, so it probably wasn't the first time.

And Jack, I also had a secret desire to be Supergirl.  She looked so cute in that little skirt and I desperately wanted to be like that too.

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#19 [url]

May 8 17 3:09 AM

My first crossdream was when I was in grade 2 and some boys were playing with two coconut halves pretending they were boobs, and I couldn't stop thinking and imagining the idea that they would really turn into boobs. I sometimes wonder if I ever did before then because my mum told me my sisters would dress me as a girl before I was school aged

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#20 [url]

May 10 17 10:39 AM

A night to remember

My first experience was when I was 5, I was in the school play and for my part they dressed me in tights Wow I knew then I could dress as a girl, I have a great photo of me that night, in my mid teens I fantistised about being made love to as a girl I would always wear something when I did this, all I know these feelings are part of my core, I'm incredibly happy when I dress, and boy does it relieve stress, 

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