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Mar 22 17 8:15 PM

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Hey guys,

So my feminine name is Leah Grace (first and middle name) but in real life I'm a guy. There is nothing about me that screams 'crossdresser' on the surface: I speak and act in a general masculine tone, beer is my favorite kind of alcohol, I love watching and debating sports, and I headbang to AC/DC and Guns N'Roses all day long.

That being said, I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a serious feminine side to me. There is. From a young age, I've always admired girls and their clothing. At age 11, I stole a pair of tights and put them on and the rest as they say is history. I crossdress every now and then and I enjoy it. But thinking of myself as a girl, whether turning into one, or being forcibly crossdressed is a huge turn on for me.

Now there are many with these kinks right? No big deal right? The problem is, I can only sexually function when these scenarios are involved. And for the record they almost always feature a dominant woman. But regular sex, dating, etc. with women don't do much for me. I can't get hard thinking of having sex with a woman like I can thinking of myself as a woman or becoming woman. This bothers me because outside of this fantasy realm, I'm basically asexual.

All of this has lead me to some serious questioning and even obsession. I have OCD so I would constantly think about whether or not I was transgender, or even gay due to my lack of desire to have regular sex with girls. It got to the point where I was so scared and upset, I could barely get up and eat. I had testing rituals and every waking moment was spent thinking about my gender and sexuality, whereas I hardly gave it much thought between the ages of 12-19.

I'm doing a lot better now. But I don't have much clarity still. Why can't I have a regular, functioning relationship with girls? What does it mean if fantasize about being a woman but I'm perfectly content in my male body? It feels like I got two different forces at work in my mind. How can I be this masculine figure, yet get rock hard at the mere mention of doing anything girly?

Anyway, sorry for the long introduction. I hope to get to know many of you and help with any experiences or problems you have. I don't have it all figured out, but maybe this site can help. Thank you!

Leah
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#1 [url]

Mar 23 17 1:40 AM

Welcome Leah Grace!

You have read Laura Jane Grace's book, haven't you?  Your name indicates as much. And that famous punk rocker, crossdreamer and transgender woman tells us that loving hard rock is not necessarily a sign of masculinity or a male identity. And what about all the female metal fans?

There are in fact many metal fans among the members of this site (although in my family it is my wife who listens to Metallica, and I am the one who follows her to their concerts ;)

I guess what I am saying is that gender identity (as in "my sense of self is female") and gender expression (like in "I like to act like a "typical" man) are two different things.

Why can't I have a regular, functioning relationship with girls?


You will find that a lot of crossdreamers DO manage to establish long term love and sexual relationships. The happy ones are the one where the two manage to give room for the fantasies and desires of both. It would help if you found someone who could give room to your "inner girl", to put it that way. 

I realize that that is not necessarily easy, as you would have to be open about your feelings. Some women find such dreams completely natural, others do not. You'd have to take your chances. The cliche makes sense here: "Better to have lost in love than never to have loved at all."
What does it mean if fantasize about being a woman but I'm perfectly content in my male body?

The more I learn about this, the clearer the answer seems to me: You are most likely a bit of both: Both male and female.

This is not necessarily the case for all crossdreamers. I feel much more female than male. But for many the feelings you report make perfect sense. There is a "woman in there" who dreams about having sex as a woman (and most likely more!) and there is a man in there who in other areas of life feels fine presenting as a man.

And that should be OK!





 

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#2 [url]

Mar 23 17 2:11 PM

jackmolay wrote:
Welcome Leah Grace!

You have read Laura Jane Grace's book, haven't you?  Your name indicates as much. And that famous punk rocker, crossdreamer and transgender woman tells us that loving hard rock is not necessarily a sign of masculinity or a male identity. And what about all the female metal fans?

There are in fact many metal fans among the members of this site (although in my family it is my wife who listens to Metallica, and I am the one who follows her to their concerts ;)

I guess what I am saying is that gender identity (as in "my sense of self is female") and gender expression (like in "I like to act like a "typical" man) are two different things.
Why can't I have a regular, functioning relationship with girls?


You will find that a lot of crossdreamers DO manage to establish long term love and sexual relationships. The happy ones are the one where the two manage to give room for the fantasies and desires of both. It would help if you found someone who could give room to your "inner girl", to put it that way. 

I realize that that is not necessarily easy, as you would have to be open about your feelings. Some women find such dreams completely natural, others do not. You'd have to take your chances. The cliche makes sense here: "Better to have lost in love than never to have loved at all."
What does it mean if fantasize about being a woman but I'm perfectly content in my male body?

The more I learn about this, the clearer the answer seems to me: You are most likely a bit of both: Both male and female.

This is not necessarily the case for all crossdreamers. I feel much more female than male. But for many the feelings you report make perfect sense. There is a "woman in there" who dreams about having sex as a woman (and most likely more!) and there is a man in there who in other areas of life feels fine presenting as a man.

And that should be OK!






 

Thanks for the kind words, Jack.

For the record, I've heard of you before. I've seen you debate on reddit numerous times on transgender related topics, specifically ones dealing with the validity of crossdreaming and autogynephilia and what not. Most on there believe it's a farce from what I can tell. 

As for my relations with women, I wish I had more of a desire to get into bed with one just as my male self but it feels extremely difficult. At times I boil this down to fetishism but it does feel a bit more than that at certain times. I wonder where this sexualization of myself as a girl comes from anyway. Because I'd like a beautiful wife and kids someday and my biggest fear is ending up alone.

As for Laura Jane Grace, I have heard of her and have a few of her band's songs on my itunes, unfortunately I have not read her book. My name was actually chosen because of my great-grandmother, but make no mistake Laura Jane is pretty damn cool. She's a much better role model for transgender people than Caitlyn Jenner is in my opinion.

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#3 [url]

Mar 23 17 2:15 PM

Hi Leah

welcome to the site; Your story is typical in the way that we are all different ! That said there are a few people here who feel asexual outside of these 'fantasies'..... to my mind it doesn't matter what or who we are (so long as we don't hurt anyone) --- and so long as we are happy... or at least content and settled... or least enjoying our journey

see I add to keep adding stuff there because there area lot of ways of getting something from life

anyway I'm Pip and I hang out in the chat room more than post on the boards

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#4 [url]

Mar 23 17 11:47 PM

As for my relations with women, I wish I had more of a desire to get into bed with one just as my male self but it feels extremely difficult. 

I understand. For some playing both "roles" causes no difficulty. For others (people like you and me, I guess) it becomes increasingly difficult. If "regular sex as a man" becomes a chore or even unpleasant, it makes little sense to make such a compromise. In that case the only option is to go to bed taking on the role of your female self (whatever that entails). Given the sexual and gender fluidity of many women, that is not impossible, either, but it is obviously harder to find such a woman. I mean, what do you say at your first date?

This is actually one of the facets of transgender and queer liberation that makes life -- in one way -- more difficult for MTF crossdreamers who do not transition. These days they are more likely to know who they are and what they are facing, and less likely to succeed in making themselves believe that they are just a regular Joe who will be cured for his "kink" as soon as he gets into bed with a woman. Many of us have lived of years as a male partner, not understanding or communicating that in one way we are a female partner. That has caused a lot of suffering (but obviusly also a lot of love and joy!!!).

Have you ever fallen in love with a woman (or a man?). I mean: Would an asexual, but romantic, relationship appeal to you?



 

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#5 [url]

Mar 24 17 12:59 AM

Leah Grace wrote:
Hey guys,

So my feminine name is Leah Grace (first and middle name) but in real life I'm a guy. There is nothing about me that screams 'crossdresser' on the surface: I speak and act in a general masculine tone, beer is my favorite kind of alcohol, I love watching and debating sports, and I headbang to AC/DC and Guns N'Roses all day long.

That being said, I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a serious feminine side to me. There is. From a young age, I've always admired girls and their clothing. At age 11, I stole a pair of tights and put them on and the rest as they say is history. I crossdress every now and then and I enjoy it. But thinking of myself as a girl, whether turning into one, or being forcibly crossdressed is a huge turn on for me.

Now there are many with these kinks right? No big deal right? The problem is, I can only sexually function when these scenarios are involved. And for the record they almost always feature a dominant woman. But regular sex, dating, etc. with women don't do much for me. I can't get hard thinking of having sex with a woman like I can thinking of myself as a woman or becoming woman. This bothers me because outside of this fantasy realm, I'm basically asexual.

All of this has lead me to some serious questioning and even obsession. I have OCD so I would constantly think about whether or not I was transgender, or even gay due to my lack of desire to have regular sex with girls. It got to the point where I was so scared and upset, I could barely get up and eat. I had testing rituals and every waking moment was spent thinking about my gender and sexuality, whereas I hardly gave it much thought between the ages of 12-19.

I'm doing a lot better now. But I don't have much clarity still. Why can't I have a regular, functioning relationship with girls? What does it mean if fantasize about being a woman but I'm perfectly content in my male body? It feels like I got two different forces at work in my mind. How can I be this masculine figure, yet get rock hard at the mere mention of doing anything girly?

Anyway, sorry for the long introduction. I hope to get to know many of you and help with any experiences or problems you have. I don't have it all figured out, but maybe this site can help. Thank you!

Leah

Hiya Leah,

I am Lost but my femme name here is Vaydra.  

Honestly, I am trying to refrain from posting here on CDL until May when the college semester ends (I am a bit of a forum addict) but when I saw your thread (in addition to another thread I responded to earlier) I had to respond.

You see, just like you, I am a guy who fantasize about being or being turned into a girl; yet, I don't feel like a girl stuck in a guys body or anything like that.  However, when I start to get caught up in my fantasies, I just have this intense desire to be a girl that forms in my mind.  It is almost like I have two different people in my head, one that is a gender-less voice that tells me that my tastes are mainly masculine and that I would be absolutely miserable as a girl; and a girl in my head who is constantly screaming "I want to be a girl" over and over and over again.

And similar to how you describe yourself in your introduction, I also find that my crossdreaming constitutes the full extent of my own sexual feelings; and I have spent countless hours obsessing about my own gender and orientation.  

But, over the last couple of years, I have come to the point where I feel comfortable with these parts of myself and being able to discuss these issues with similar people on this site (and at AVEN who directed me here) were a large part of that.





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#6 [url]

Mar 28 17 2:11 PM

Hi Leah, I'm a genetic girl who has just left a relationship with someone who seems exactly like you. However since he never discussed his feelings with me and the first I knew was finding subscriptions to "tranny training" (that's what it's called)and lingerie website, alongside copious transsexual porn then I have no confidence or trust in him. There were many lies and excuses around why we couldn't get it together in bed and now I feel betrayed and confused. Forced feminisation? That is a phrase I'd never heard! I also found him advertising on LGBT sites for transsexuals, transvestites and 'twinks' so my advice is if you really are an honest guy who wants a future with a girl, be honest, talk, it may not work but it will avoid a lot of heartbreak and bad feelings, he seems utterly heartbroken, I don't know if it's reactive or genuine and we are both pretty much on our knees. I wish you luck and peace in your journey but please don't lie to anyone else or yourself. These things are hard to come back from.

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#7 [url]

Mar 28 17 11:53 PM

There were many lies and excuses around why we couldn't get it together in bed and now I feel betrayed and confused. Forced feminisation? That is a phrase I'd never heard! I


Many MTF crossdreamers are caught in a Catch 22. Your inner drive and desires cannot be denied, but they have to be suppressed, as you risk ridicule and harassment as well as losing those you love if you come out. If you suppress these dreams, however, they find other outlets, and since sexuality is a natural part of any personality, many (but not all) MTF crossdreamers gravitate towards the dark side of the web: Forced feminization, sissy porn.

Many of these fantasies are just regular BDSM in a crossgender setting, but they may also reflect internalized homophobia, misogyny and transphobia. 

These are places where sexual desires of submission and feminity are decoupled from real life and reduced to sex alone. Why? Simply because there is no room for the female side of their psyche to explore the complete and complex life of a woman.

At this point coming out becomes even harder, because now there is "proof" of the MTF crossdreamer being a "pervert". Never mind that most men (and many women) use porn or have strange sexual fantasies. As a transgender person you are judged much more harshly, so now there is another force that stops you from coming out. This leads to more secrecy and when the crossdreamer finally does come out to his partner, the relationship may collapse, not because of the crossdreaming, but because of the secrecy.
be honest, talk, it may not work but it will avoid a lot of heartbreak and bad feelings, he seems utterly heartbroken, I don't know if it's reactive or genuine and we are both pretty much on our knees.


That is good advice to anyone. I kept my crossdreaming for too long and both me and my wife suffered from it. She has embraced the transgender side of me, though, so we came out stronger. I don't know you and your partner, Sally, but keep in mind that the porn is just a product of being gender variant. It is not who you friend really is. If he seems utterly heartbroken, he most likely is. I understand that this may seem extremely hard to cope with, but I am glad you take the time to learn more about this.

You may want to read what my wife wrote about this: http://www.crossdreamers.com/2014/05/how-i-found-out-my-husband-is-woman.html
 

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#8 [url]

Mar 29 17 7:34 AM

Thanks Jack, I don't want to hijack this introductory thread as it's Leah's and should address the concerns expressed. 

However, in this instance I would have preferred not to have loved than to have loved and lost, not everyone wants the scars. Not everyone is embroiled in BDSM or strange fantasies, some of us want honest, committed sexual fun with a bit of spice here and there. I persistently invited my partner to explain to me what the problem was and how we could work on it. His solution was to tell me to put up or leave and to seek sexual satisfaction alone, at least I've been told it didn't go further than that but who knows. Now as repressed or difficult his life may be he sought his satisfaction elsewhere despite the choice to talk to me. I, also unsatisfied, didn't seek satisfaction elsewhere.

I don't agree that many women think a man wanting to take a female role in bed is perfectly natural, I don't think many women at all look for this, most women want to be desired and provoke a response in their partner, and this is a vital element that seems to be missing. 

There are so many ways I could have answered this thread but I've had more answers from Leah's post than my own ex-partner despite his 'heartbreak', sorrys, and pledges to be honest. So whilst I understand struggles such as Leah's, as far as I can understand as a GG, I would have liked some honesty and respect for my right to choose who i am dealing woth sexually; maintaining a relationship based on lies is unfair, the 'heartbreak' he displays now didn't surface until he was suffering, not when I told him how unhappy I was, does that sound genuine?

I was honest about my issues at the start and asked him to leave or talk if he had anything to hide. He hid. My needs for honesty and integrity to feel secure in my life are no less important or vital for my mental health as his need to express himself. He doesn't get preference. 

I do hope Leah that you find someone to love, but please don't take anyone for a ride. 

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#9 [url]

Mar 29 17 7:39 AM

Hi Leah, Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate about having two minds, and I was stuck at one point in my life as well - denying the feminine part. From the age of 9 I dreamed about being a girl and I would sometimes have sexual fantasies with a faceless man. What I wanted was to feel dominated and that presence in my dream did it for me. Then I would quickly try to push it all out of my mind after I was done. It was only when I was in my 30s that I came to realize that I had denied the experience of my other half due to shame, fear, loathing... etc. Once I had accepted my fem side I became comfortable with saying out loud that I am Bi-sexual.

What I found about myself since then is that I can achieve a state of ecstasy now without ever having an erection. I stimulate myself (along with mental or real images) and imagine myself as female. What I experience gives me several "orgasms" that send this electricity around my body and leaves me shaking uncontrollably for a while. I don't know if this is exactly what women experience but it is satisfying. Have you ever thought about stimulating yourself in other parts of your body? Use a vibrator? A dildo?

You may find that special someone who likes you for who you are - I did not meet the love of my life until I was about 25 and yes it did seem like forever. One thing I did find, after I was married of course, was that there are women who like fem guys and cross dressers. They would hang out in drag clubs and such and they gravitated to me when they found out I liked girls. One tried to teach me to dance as the female role... which I sucked at.

Maybe we will chat on line here - I am sometimes on line at about 9PM (Eastern time). Barb and I usually end up chatting about that time.

*hugs* Bobbi

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#10 [url]

Mar 30 17 11:06 PM

I don't agree that many women think a man wanting to take a female role in bed is perfectly natural, I don't think many women at all look for this, most women want to be desired and provoke a response in their partner, and this is a vital element that seems to be missing. 


I think we all want to be desired and get a response from our partner. It seems to me that seeing someone else want you might be one of the biggest turn ons for all, cis and trans, straight and hetero, men and women. 

In other words, I think the dream of "taking the female role" (being the catcher instead of the pitcher) is a separate issue from the one of being desired. Lesbian women and gay men may lust for each other, even if they are both "bottoms" instead of "tops" or both "femme" instead of "butch".

That is why a partner who signals no sexual attraction to you, must be a big turn-off. I understand why that may feel like an invalidation and something that makes it hard to continue a relationship. 

That being said, I have gotten quite a few report from couples where one come out as a crossdreamer and where they find different "games" that help both get what they need. The "lack of desire" is most likely caused by the kind of frustration trans people get from being forced to play a role that is not theirs. If they are able to live out their true sexuality and identity (wherever that one is one the sex and gender spectrums) they may be able to express desire again.

You are not the enemy here. This kind of retreat into ones own mind is most likely caused by the feeling of shame and helplessness.

But this is not for all, and even if I am a great supporter of pragmatic compromises, I do not think that anyone should be asked to give up a healthy sex life in order to save a relationship.

 

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#11 [url]

Mar 31 17 10:20 AM

Sally wrote, "I was honest about my issues at the start and asked him to leave or talk if he had anything to hide. He hid. My needs for honesty and integrity to feel secure in my life are no less important or vital for my mental health as his need to express himself."

Over and over I have seen this behaviour when the girls come out of the closet - they begin to act like teenagers and all of a sudden it's all about them. I will admit that I am guilty of this myself. In a relationship needs and desires are a two way street and it's not all about you - and if you feel that way then the relationship is not going to last long.

Leah - you are still young and there is still lots to explore in terms of your preferences so do some exploring. Unfortunately for you, the very specific nature of the fantasies that you expressed in your intro are not very common among women and you may end up being single for a while. However as I mentioned, you may find that special someone by going to gay bars or drag bars. Talk to people, find out what they are into, many gays are very open about their sexuality - if you approach them in a friendly manner. Someone may introduce you to someone into your thing.

Most importantly you should not beat yourself up over how you feel and despite what you said I think you will find (eventually) that your preferences are far more nuanced than you described.

*hugs* Bobbi

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#12 [url]

Mar 31 17 9:31 PM

Bobbi Dare wrote:
Sally wrote, "I was honest about my issues at the start and asked him to leave or talk if he had anything to hide. He hid. My needs for honesty and integrity to feel secure in my life are no less important or vital for my mental health as his need to express himself."

Over and over I have seen this behaviour when the girls come out of the closet - they begin to act like teenagers and all of a sudden it's all about them. I will admit that I am guilty of this myself. In a relationship needs and desires are a two way street and it's not all about you - and if you feel that way then the relationship is not going to last long.

Leah - you are still young and there is still lots to explore in terms of your preferences so do some exploring. Unfortunately for you, the very specific nature of the fantasies that you expressed in your intro are not very common among women and you may end up being single for a while. However as I mentioned, you may find that special someone by going to gay bars or drag bars. Talk to people, find out what they are into, many gays are very open about their sexuality - if you approach them in a friendly manner. Someone may introduce you to someone into your thing.

Most importantly you should not beat yourself up over how you feel and despite what you said I think you will find (eventually) that your preferences are far more nuanced than you described.

*hugs* Bobbi

Thank you for your advice, but why would I find what I'm looking for in gay or drag bars? I'm not into men nor am I into drag queens.

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#13 [url]

Mar 31 17 9:35 PM

Sally wrote:
Thanks Jack, I don't want to hijack this introductory thread as it's Leah's and should address the concerns expressed. 

However, in this instance I would have preferred not to have loved than to have loved and lost, not everyone wants the scars. Not everyone is embroiled in BDSM or strange fantasies, some of us want honest, committed sexual fun with a bit of spice here and there. I persistently invited my partner to explain to me what the problem was and how we could work on it. His solution was to tell me to put up or leave and to seek sexual satisfaction alone, at least I've been told it didn't go further than that but who knows. Now as repressed or difficult his life may be he sought his satisfaction elsewhere despite the choice to talk to me. I, also unsatisfied, didn't seek satisfaction elsewhere.

I don't agree that many women think a man wanting to take a female role in bed is perfectly natural, I don't think many women at all look for this, most women want to be desired and provoke a response in their partner, and this is a vital element that seems to be missing. 

There are so many ways I could have answered this thread but I've had more answers from Leah's post than my own ex-partner despite his 'heartbreak', sorrys, and pledges to be honest. So whilst I understand struggles such as Leah's, as far as I can understand as a GG, I would have liked some honesty and respect for my right to choose who i am dealing woth sexually; maintaining a relationship based on lies is unfair, the 'heartbreak' he displays now didn't surface until he was suffering, not when I told him how unhappy I was, does that sound genuine?

I was honest about my issues at the start and asked him to leave or talk if he had anything to hide. He hid. My needs for honesty and integrity to feel secure in my life are no less important or vital for my mental health as his need to express himself. He doesn't get preference. 

I do hope Leah that you find someone to love, but please don't take anyone for a ride. 


I can't speak for your ex, but I have no intention of leading anyone on. I understand it may be difficult for me sometimes, but I want the real experience with a girl I love, not the transformation art and forced fem stories. 

The problem is, I feel somewhat asexual outside of the fantasies I have in my head. I want a healthy sexual relationship, but can it really happen with a guy like me? 

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#14 [url]

Apr 1 17 11:02 AM

Sally, I just got around to reading this thread. I totally get your feelings here. I can't speak for your ex, because all of our stories are a little bit different. In my case, my gender issues were very intermittent for decades. I could sexually function very well as a heterosexual male, and I appeared rather masculine in many situations. I buried my gender insecurities and any feminine traits deep within me. I always felt that if I could get the pieces of my life in perfect order, my gender issues would go away. But they never did.

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