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So my feminine name is Leah Grace (first and middle name) but in real life I'm a guy. There is nothing about me that screams 'crossdresser' on the surface: I speak and act in a general masculine tone, beer is my favorite kind of alcohol, I love watching and debating sports, and I headbang to AC/DC and Guns N'Roses all day long.
That being said, I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a serious feminine side to me. There is. From a young age, I've always admired girls and their clothing. At age 11, I stole a pair of tights and put them on and the rest as they say is history. I crossdress every now and then and I enjoy it. But thinking of myself as a girl, whether turning into one, or being forcibly crossdressed is a huge turn on for me.
Now there are many with these kinks right? No big deal right? The problem is, I can only sexually function when these scenarios are involved. And for the record they almost always feature a dominant woman. But regular sex, dating, etc. with women don't do much for me. I can't get hard thinking of having sex with a woman like I can thinking of myself as a woman or becoming woman. This bothers me because outside of this fantasy realm, I'm basically asexual.
All of this has lead me to some serious questioning and even obsession. I have OCD so I would constantly think about whether or not I was transgender, or even gay due to my lack of desire to have regular sex with girls. It got to the point where I was so scared and upset, I could barely get up and eat. I had testing rituals and every waking moment was spent thinking about my gender and sexuality, whereas I hardly gave it much thought between the ages of 12-19.
I'm doing a lot better now. But I don't have much clarity still. Why can't I have a regular, functioning relationship with girls? What does it mean if fantasize about being a woman but I'm perfectly content in my male body? It feels like I got two different forces at work in my mind. How can I be this masculine figure, yet get rock hard at the mere mention of doing anything girly?
Anyway, sorry for the long introduction. I hope to get to know many of you and help with any experiences or problems you have. I don't have it all figured out, but maybe this site can help. Thank you!