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Mar 16 17 2:58 PM

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For as far back as I can remember, I liked to look at women. I would secretly collect magazines of lingerie or biker models. I would stream the internet for pictures. I would observe the other beauties that pass me on the streets. The few times I have been caught in any of these activities, others thought I was merely a boy expressing my sexual desire. The truth, however, was that I often wonder wether I want to be with those women or be those women. 

This conflict persists even today as I am seeing a personal trainer. I am getting in the best, manliest shape of my life. But this makes me feel melancholy as I think about how it brings me further away from being a woman. I often imagine myself working out as one.

If it were not for the best partner I could ever ask for, I likely would have made a change a while ago. Even though I know she would support me, I don't want to change because a part of me still wants to remain a man. To be the one she deserves.

It is my sincere hope that this forum helps me to manage these feelings.

EDIT:

Oh! And you can call me Betty. :)

Last Edited By: Betty Mar 16 17 8:36 PM. Edited 1 time

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#1 [url]

Mar 16 17 6:35 PM

ahumanfoil wrote:
For as far back as I can remember, I liked to look at women. I would secretly collect magazines of lingerie or biker models. I would stream the internet for pictures. I would observe the other beauties that pass me on the streets. The few times I have been caught in any of these activities, others thought I was merely a boy expressing my sexual desire. The truth, however, was that I often wonder wether I want to be with those women or be those women. 

This conflict persists even today as I am seeing a personal trainer. I am getting in the best, manliest shape of my life. But this makes me feel melancholy as I think about how it brings me further away from being a woman. I often imagine myself working out as one.

If it were not for the best partner I could ever ask for, I likely would have made a change a while ago. Even though I know she would support me, I don't want to change because a part of me still wants to remain a man. To be the one she deserves.

It is my sincere hope that this forum helps me to manage these feelings.

Welcome Foil,

There are two of me too!  One whose the face I show to the world, and then the one I keep hidden away deep inside my mind.  The part of me that wishes she was a girl, and fantasizes about it constantly.

I understand all too well what you mean.  I also collect pictures of women who in someway catch my attention.  To someone on the outside it would seem a normal interest a male has for attractive women, but what they could never understand is that I do this because I want to BE those women rather than be with them.

I think, we all have done something similar to that, and we can truly understand where you are actually coming from.  I hope we can help you by being an outlet for that part of you that wants to be one of those beautiful women that we jealously admire.  That we can help you channel that part of yourself so that you can be the person on the outside that you want to be:

The man with the best partner he could ever ask for!






PS:  Can I ask you if calling you foil is okay?  Or do you want me to call you by your full handle ahumanfoil?  Or might you have another name you would like to be known as?  

Especially among us mtf crossdreamers we tend to adopt a fem names we go by here.  My handle here is Lost247365, but most people call me Vaydra, the name I would have been given had my 2nd X chromosome not been broken into that ugly Y form for some reason.  

Might there be a name for the other you that you would like to be acknowledged as?  




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#2 [url]

Mar 16 17 8:26 PM

Hi Vaydra,

It brings me a lot of joy to be in the company of so many who are of mutual mind! There are many topics on the forum I would love to participate in.

You can call me Betty. I meant to write that but forgot to as I wrote my introduction on my bus ride. 😅

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#3 [url]

Mar 17 17 9:55 AM

ahumanfoil wrote:
This conflict persists even today as I am seeing a personal trainer. I am getting in the best, manliest shape of my life. But this makes me feel melancholy as I think about how it brings me further away from being a woman. I often imagine myself working out as one.

Oh! And you can call me Betty. :)


Hi Betty, Welcome to the forum. I was a big time body builder for almost 20 years with a good deal of development. I did that, along with a lot of other things, that all had the effect of reinforcing my masculinity. Looking back on it all now, I think a lot of it was motivated by insecurity I had about myself. If I could just be good enough at being man, the man thing would stick. Well it didn't, and I felt increasingly dysphoric as I got older. This no doubt was exacerbated by the fact that I was feeling ever more embedded into a very masculine life. If the body building is making you feel that way, may I suggest that you have a talk with your trainer about your goals. Maybe you want to emphasize overall fitness and agility over muscle development.

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#4 [url]

Mar 17 17 4:33 PM

Hi April,

I have been definitely afraid of a scenario like that happening. My goal isn't to get buff but to get lean. I've made that clear to my trainer on several occasions.

Fortunately, I really like exercise and getting into overall shape is fun. In a way, I think about it as a possible Segway wat way to achieve the body that I want because I am just a few exercises away from sculpting it properly.

Last Edited By: Betty Apr 1 17 4:42 PM. Edited 2 times.

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#5 [url]

Mar 19 17 4:04 AM

Welcome to the forum, Betty!!!

This conflict persists even today as I am seeing a personal trainer. I am getting in the best, manliest shape of my life. But this makes me feel melancholy as I think about how it brings me further away from being a woman.

I have to ask: Do you train because of the health benifits or because you (on one level) want to look more masculine?

I guess that what I am aiming at is that the first answer would be a healthy one, while the second may bring you more grief. I have seen too many MTF crossdreamers try to man up, and I have so far not heard of one who has succeeded.
 

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#6 [url]

Mar 25 17 2:31 PM

Hi Jack,

Great question! I am actually training for the health benefits, fortunately. It give me comfort to know that if I want to make the plunge and start a transition, that I can just adjust my routine. All of this would be a consequence to helping me achive the body I've always wanted. :)

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#7 [url]

Mar 26 17 1:33 AM

Great question! I am actually training for the health benefits, fortunately. 


In this respect there is fortunately no difference between the genders. I wish I had the willpower to go thorugh a programme like that one. 

I have found that the one thing I can do to stay in relative shape, is to go for long walks.

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#8 [url]

Mar 26 17 7:47 AM

Not to be a grammar nazi, or any of those horrible kinds of people who just want to nit-pick etc. but sometimes you just have to dive in there. 

I think you meant to say segue, as Segway is one of those really expensive self-balancing scootery things, that were supposed to change the world a decade or so ago, but which no one sane could afford, or even if they could afford, they wouldn't want to be seen dead riding in public, or if they didn't care much about being seen as either sane or cool, well since they obviously just shouldn't be allowed to ride it on either the road or the pavement, they wouldn't be legally able to actually go anywhere on it anyway, which just about serves them right, the twats. https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/segue-segway-commonly-confused

I still want one though, but most people seem to think I'm crazy, so there you go..
image
I guess it's almost as bad as letting the ugly trannies use our public safe spaces, won't someone think of the children?

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 5 17 2:34 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#9 [url]

Mar 26 17 8:43 PM

Hi Betty,

I think (and hope) that you realize that you don't have two beings inside you. One of the mistakes people make is trying to keep two seperare personae. What ends up happening is the wrong one ends up dominating and the right one is forced back into the shadows. And that leads down a very dark path.

The best thing to do is integrate the two into a single entity. In my case the male side forced my female side back. It always felt like I was observing my life from a box with just a small window to watch as a stranger controlled my life. Once I recognized what was happening I was able to regain control.

I'm not sure from what you wrote that you're actually anything like that, but the title hints at it. Let me know if I'm way off base.

Lindsay


"The thing is you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear, dig?" the Pointed Man

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#10 [url]

Mar 29 17 7:48 AM

Betty wrote, "I don't want to change because a part of me still wants to remain a man. To be the one she deserves."

I understand that reason totally. :) When I was 37 I nearly started transition - had the drs sign offs and the prescription for HRT in hand - and then decided not to for the same reason. We had been together for 10 years at that time and we are still together.

*hugs* Bobbi

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#11 [url]

Apr 1 17 4:47 PM

Thank you all for the support everyone!

To address Xora, "Segway" was a typo. My autocorrect just sabotaged me. :D

To clear things up for Lindsay, I really haven't had any plans to do anything for myself. The most has been joining this board. Even then, I seldom find the time to jump on. Albeit, I have been tempted to see a psychologist about these feelings lately. In one way, I fear they will tell me that I am appropriate to transition. In another way, I am excited for that prospect.

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#12 [url]

Apr 2 17 12:19 AM

I thought as much, but I seemed like too good an opportunity to segue into a somewhat obscure but pseudo-related topic which in the societally imposed catch-22 sense reflects our situation. 
image

I mean it's essentially perfectly functional and effective technology in and of itself, but because the social consensus was a massive disappointment that after all the build up and hype it turned out that it wasn't an actual frikken personal teleporter device a la 'the fly',
image
well the so-called code name 'Ginger' never got the opportunity it needed to really shine. ;-)
imageimage
 

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 5 17 2:42 AM. Edited 1 time.

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