ahumanfoil wrote:Welcome Foil,
For as far back as I can remember, I liked to look at women. I would secretly collect magazines of lingerie or biker models. I would stream the internet for pictures. I would observe the other beauties that pass me on the streets. The few times I have been caught in any of these activities, others thought I was merely a boy expressing my sexual desire. The truth, however, was that I often wonder wether I want to be with those women or be those women.
This conflict persists even today as I am seeing a personal trainer. I am getting in the best, manliest shape of my life. But this makes me feel melancholy as I think about how it brings me further away from being a woman. I often imagine myself working out as one.
If it were not for the best partner I could ever ask for, I likely would have made a change a while ago. Even though I know she would support me, I don't want to change because a part of me still wants to remain a man. To be the one she deserves.
It is my sincere hope that this forum helps me to manage these feelings.
There are two of me too! One whose the face I show to the world, and then the one I keep hidden away deep inside my mind. The part of me that wishes she was a girl, and fantasizes about it constantly.
I understand all too well what you mean. I also collect pictures of women who in someway catch my attention. To someone on the outside it would seem a normal interest a male has for attractive women, but what they could never understand is that I do this because I want to BE those women rather than be with them.
I think, we all have done something similar to that, and we can truly understand where you are actually coming from. I hope we can help you by being an outlet for that part of you that wants to be one of those beautiful women that we jealously admire. That we can help you channel that part of yourself so that you can be the person on the outside that you want to be:
The man with the best partner he could ever ask for!
PS: Can I ask you if calling you foil is okay? Or do you want me to call you by your full handle ahumanfoil? Or might you have another name you would like to be known as?
Especially among us mtf crossdreamers we tend to adopt a fem names we go by here. My handle here is Lost247365, but most people call me Vaydra, the name I would have been given had my 2nd X chromosome not been broken into that ugly Y form for some reason.
Might there be a name for the other you that you would like to be acknowledged as?