I identify as a femme, gay amab. At around 11 years old, I started fantasizing about a sex role reversal world. In my world, girls were astronauts, and boys were astronaut wivies. I wanted to be househusband who lived to be sexy and beautiful. I wanted to marry a women who would be the leader in our relationship. She would be the breadwinner, and I would live to keep her happy.
When I started to have this fantasy, I knew that I was not like the other boys.
I think that my parents recognized that I was not going to be like the other boys and took steps to try and stop me from being a femme, gay man. From a young age, I was instructed to "stop being so emotional." My brother was allowed to beat me up and dominate me constantly. At sleep away camp, I wanted to spend my free time with the other femme boys at the Arts and Crafts table. I was instructed that I should shoot guns!
Around 11 years old, I started to have crushes on boys and men. I somehow knew that I should not act on my attractions. In middle school and high school, I was attracted to, and friends with, other femme boys, but I did not have sex with them. In the Boy Scouts, other boys asked me to get into their sleeping bags, and I refused. I wanted to be next to the other boys so much, but I knew that I was not suppose to be with other boys. I think that I knew that once I started, I was not going to be able to stop.
I started dating girls in high school. I desperately wanted to have sex with a woman. I am sure that I thought that sex with a woman would cure my homosexuality.
I dated women and tried to act like "normal." I had trouble getting dates. And, the other boys would not buy it. I was bullied and called a fag.
While I tried to be normal, I started fantasizing daily that I would get a girlfriend, and she would know that I was a fag. She would fuck me with a strap-on dildo and eventually watch me service a real man. After being abused and sodomized, I would lose my masculinity, and I would live as a girl.
I wanted to live like a girl! I envied girls! They got to wear super tight pants that showed their off their butts. They wore tops that showed off their breasts. And, they got all of the hot guys! Girls were encouraged to be feminine. I had to hide my feminine self. I had to pretend to be aggressive and masculine.
I experimented wearing my mom's panties and trying on her lipstick. I went to school one day with no underwear as part of a fantasy about a girlfriend telling me she wanted to able grab my penis and make me cum in public. But, there was no dominant girlfriend.
There was no girlfriend at all. There wasn't even anyone to talk to about all of this.
I went to college and graduate school and got married and held jobs. I have tried my best to be a man.
All this while, I have fantasized that I would be sodomized and emasculated and end up working as a receptionist who gives blow jobs in the men's room.
Fast forward to about year old, I separate from my wife, and I went to a gay bathhouse.
Once I entered the bathhouse, I almost lost my mind. I was a kid in the candy store. I grabed for every penis that I walked past. I wanted to give a blow job to every man I saw.
I am still sluting around. I cannot give enough blow jobs for all of those years that I held back.
Eventually, I would like have boyfriend.
On the gender front, I want to be femme and fablous, but I haven't really found a way to be a feminine man. I think that a lot of the problem is that I am still that terrorized 7 year old boy repeating to himself: "Don't be emotional, don't be gay, don't be effeminate."
I am glad I have found you!!!!!!!!