Welcome, Eva! I am glad to see you here.
Sometimes, I'm funny, playful and sarcastic with people around me, but it's mostly something I do to cope and escape my dysphoria.
We get pretty good at pretending, don't we? I have seen all kinds of "crossdreamer games". Some join the military to toughen up. Laura Grace Jane became the angry punk rocker. Many of us -- me included -- become people pleasers. And some become the classroom clown. I guess we are all attempting to fit in while playing a role we believe is expected of us. We are constantly helping others to like us, but none of it helps us to like ourselves.
For those of us who suffer from gender dysphoria this can get extremely hard. I know from first hand experience.
Anyway, this is the right place to talk about it.
I cannot give you the solution. I have not transitioned, but I suspect that if I had know what I know now at your age, I might have. I have learned that the problem does not go away, and the chances are that you will feel like you do now at the age of 40, 50 or 60. For some it may even get worse. They talk about lost years.
Some find other ways of expressing this side of themselves, through crossdressing and in subcultures, but if that avenue is closed as well, you have a problem.
I know this for sure: Talking about it will help you arrive at the right conclusion. Many have gotten help from therapists. Finding somone who knows transgender condition is best, but any therapist with an open heart and a lot of empathy might be of help.
One trans woman told me she had done a SWOT analysis of her life, writing down her Strenghts, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats in a four field table. This helped her identify opportunities and challenges in a way that made her see more clearly what she had to do.
Do you know any transgender or "genderqueer" people in your community? There may be someone there with whom you might dicuss this, face to face and in private.