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Mar 13 17 2:45 AM

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Hi, I'm Eva a 30 yr old MTF crossdreamer (or a trans woman?) from India. I'm here for support and guidance in regards to my dysphoria. I'm always a woman, feel and felt like a woman almost all the time, no matter what I do/did or how I present/presented myself. I tried acting like a man for few months but it didn't work. I had been cross dressing in private sometime back but it doesn't help much. I don't like doing drag. Sometimes, I'm funny, playful and sarcastic with people around me, but it's mostly something I do to cope and escape my dysphoria. Even that helps only temporarily.
I'm single. Not out to my family yet, except to my younger sister. She's a bit concerned whether my parents or society will accept me and also about my safety as a trans person.
I feel sad when i look at other women and their bodies. It feels suffocating to live like this. I wish I could transition but many things hold me back... family, health, the unpredictable effects hormones and blockers can have on my body and physiology and their long term sideeffects if any, social and legal hassles during the start and after many years into the transitioning process, thoughts about old age....
I just want to be, live and express my inner woman physically in any way possible even if it takes a long period of time. Please help.
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#1 [url]

Mar 13 17 4:30 AM

Welcome, Eva!  I am glad to see you here.

Sometimes, I'm funny, playful and sarcastic with people around me, but it's mostly something I do to cope and escape my dysphoria.


We get pretty good at pretending, don't we? I have seen all kinds of "crossdreamer games". Some join the military to toughen up. Laura Grace Jane became the angry punk rocker. Many of us -- me included -- become people pleasers. And some become the classroom clown. I guess we are all attempting to fit in while playing a role we believe is expected of us. We are constantly helping others to like us, but none of it helps us to  like ourselves.

For those of us who suffer from gender dysphoria this can get extremely hard. I know from first hand experience.

Anyway, this is the right place to talk about it.

I cannot give you the solution. I have not transitioned, but I suspect that if I had know what I know now at your age, I might have. I have learned that the problem does not go away, and the chances are that you will feel like you do now at the age of 40, 50 or 60. For some it may even get worse. They talk about lost years.

Some find other ways of expressing this side of themselves, through crossdressing and in subcultures, but if that avenue is closed as well, you have a problem.

I know this for sure: Talking about it will help you arrive at the right conclusion. Many have gotten help from therapists. Finding somone who knows transgender condition is best, but any therapist with an open heart and a lot of empathy might be of help.

One trans woman told me she had done a SWOT analysis of her life, writing down her Strenghts, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats in a four field table. This helped her identify opportunities and challenges in a way that made her see more clearly what she had to do.

Do you know any transgender or "genderqueer" people in your community? There may be someone there with whom you might dicuss this, face to face and in private.

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#3 [url]

Mar 16 17 6:00 AM

jackmolay wrote:
Do you know any transgender or "genderqueer" people in your community? There may be someone there with whom you might dicuss this, face to face and in private.



No I don't know any transgender or genderqueer people out here where I live. I had been to a local LGBT ngo for counselling and workshops but it's mostly visited by trans people belonging to the Hijra community. Also, unlike other transgender people I'm mostly attracted towards women and rarely feel any attraction towards men so there is no one here who i could relate to. I know there are MTF crossdressers and MTF transwomen attracted towards men but their experience with dysphoria is different than mine.
As for the therapists there's not much awareness about transgender or genderqueer people amongst mental health professionals in India. Puberty and adolescence itself was hell for me. Got labelled with all sorts of mental health diagnoses. But I never disclosed to any professionals about my gender dysphoria 'cause as far as I knew it is not considered 'normal' in society(at least not here). The doctors could've even got me locked up to fix me or coerced my parents to(I don't know what might have happened if I had told them back then).
Medical transition at any point in life is unpredictable coupled with all the other stress factors... unacceptance and/or opposition by family, nosy relatives, well-meaning friends and the transphobia amongst public here which perceives any trans or genderqueer person as a Hijra. But even living like this in the closet with no one around who can understand or feels the same is depressing.

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#4 [url]

Mar 16 17 9:36 AM

I am so sorry you don't have anyone that you can safely share this aspect of yourself with.  


Sadly, many of us are in similar situations and we can relate.  But, in my opinion, that is what makes this community so great.  You can be your true self here.  No need for hiding, no shame, no guilt.  Just acceptance from people who are coming from the same place you are.

We know what these feelings are like, as we all experience them in one way or another ourselves.  To look at a woman and just feel overcome with the desire to be female ourselves.  We experience that every day ourselves.  And, here on CDL, we accept you for that and will give you all the support that we can!

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#5 [url]

Mar 19 17 4:28 AM

No I don't know any transgender or genderqueer people out here where I live. I had been to a local LGBT ngo for counselling and workshops but it's mostly visited by trans people belonging to the Hijra community.


I have heard other Indian MTF crossdreamers say the same to me. The hijra visibiity is of more help to androphilic transgender women than to those who predominantly love women. On top of that there is the social stigma attached to the hijra community. 

But I have also met a few who say there are LGBT specialists that not all trans women fit the role taken by the hijra. Unfortunately I know to litte about that to be able to help you directly.

Do you want me to see if I can put up a meet between you and one or two of my Indian contacts?

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#6 [url]

Mar 21 17 7:58 AM

[quote="jackmolay"]


I have heard other Indian MTF crossdreamers say the same to me. The hijra visibiity is of more help to androphilic transgender women than to those who predominantly love women. On top of that there is the social stigma attached to the hijra community. 

But I have also met a few who say there are LGBT specialists that not all trans women fit the role taken by the hijra. Unfortunately I know to litte about that to be able to help you directly.

Do you want me to see if I can put up a meet between you and one or two of my Indian contacts?



Yes, there is social stigma attached to the hijra community. The hijra visibility acts more as a disadvantage than help to most transgender women or trans anyone in India not just androphilic trans women. There's lots of unethical and illegal stuff that goes on in some parts of Hijra community. Moreover, many people from the Hijra community are hostile towards trans people who are open and not part of their community. Many of them don't get access to skills that would help them grow in life and be accepted in the mainstream society.
Just the word 'Hijra' is enough to curtail a person's freedom or the life opportunities he/she can have in the mainstream Indian society. And to be a Hijra the person has to follow all their rigorous customs and traditions for life after He/she becomes part of their community. There is community but for that the trans person has to abandon most things he/she loves, likes or believes in or in some cases everything.
And yes, not all trans women fit the role taken by the hijra.

Yes, it'd nice if you can connect me with other trans women or people from India. (I don't know how helpful it'd be 'cause i presume they might be in a similar situation as me) Social networking and LGBT groups hadn't been of much help to me for locating others like me out here. I only know one(who I haven't talked to since some time) but she's based in chennai, too far from my place, and sometimes struggles with her own dysphoria.

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