Feb 20 17 2:27 AM

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Last year I was contacted by a young male to female crossdreamer from Britian, who wanted to ask me some questions about how to cope with being gender variant. The conversation ended with me asking her a few questions. 

You can read the whole interview here:



I am taking the liberty of taking out "Jennifer's"  answers here (she perfers female pronouns):

1. I live at home with my parents and I work, I really want to cross dress and find someone who truly gets me but I'm worried about being mocked etc. 

2. Cross dressing helps me be the real me or Jennifer as I've come to know myself. It's like I hear her calling me to express who I really am and I love it, I need it. 

3. I've never had luck with women, I'm in my early twentis now and still single but my dream would be to find a girl who will accept me and Jennifer too. 

4. I think I struggle to relate to guys and I don't know exactly know enough about girls to become fully one of them. I try to talk to girls about things that I want to learn like clothes etc but I feel awkward.

6. I'm not really any good at small talk. I doubt it's to do with who I really am but I think it's just a lack of confidence perhaps. 

7. I have never told anybody, too scared of the consequences. One of my parents almost caught me Cross dressing in a one piece swimsuit and called me weird and a freak. I want to be who I am but a combination of fear, no privacy and lack of free time prevents me from being the true meaning, Jennifer. 

8. I have never tried anything like [using online forums] that partly down to make lack of privacy/free time. I have no idea where to look for any of that sort of thing and I doubt that only talking online will help me. I want to be able to meet people like me and get any kind of help they can. I've been a cross dresser since I was around about 11 and I'm now [in my early twenties] but I haven't been able to be that side of me in any way for about 5-6 years.

Jennifer would very much like som advice on how to cope with ther crossdreaming and social isolation.

Read the whole story here.
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#1 [url]

Feb 20 17 11:40 PM

This is not easy, I know, but doing nothing will only make things worse. It would mean wasting year after year not being yourself.

If you do not dare to do anything about this right now, do at least change your life in other ways. Get a new job, move to a bigger city where there are more people like you. Go to college and find new friends that are open to people who are different. Open doors, instead of closing them. I have often found the friends I know and love by accident, because I was at the right place at the right time. 

Join a club. Any club or organization, as long as you can meet people at your own age there. 

If going out is too hard, do at least get friends online. This forum is a great one, but there are also many others. I believe some of them are listed over at Jack's site (crossdreamers.com). Find time!

Shyness is not the same as introversion. Shyness is something we learn because of shame or fear. You can get help to get rid of your shyness. Find a good therapist. He or she does not even have to be an expert in trans matters. You can focus on the shyness first and do something with your gender variance next.

Above all, remember that being different doesn't mean being bad. You have abilities regular people do not. Embrace them! You are OK!

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#3 [url]

May 12 17 3:14 AM

I am not gender variant or a crossdresser, but I have some experiences that might help:

When I was in my early twenties I was lonely. I had been bullied and had become an outsider, full of elf doubt and insecurities. The first step I made was what Terrie suggests above -- moving to a big city where there were all kinds of people and I didn't feel so strange. I lived in a university dormitory, yet I was lonely. I was scared of being rejected, so I didn't initiate contact. After some months like this, I decided I had to make some changes. I made a mental list of all my aquaintancs and found out that a couple of them were really decent people who were not likely to reject me. I started hanging out with them, making it a priority, building a friendshop. That's how I met Jack and he is my husband and best friend still after more than 20 years. The lesson here is that even though there are lots mean people out there, there are some decent people with beautiful souls too, and you will know them when you see them.

Being different is not easy. But it can be a super power. I learned a lot from Brenee Brown's book Daring Greatly, which is about vulnerability as a super power. I know it sounds strange, but it is very liberating! You can read some of the insights from the book here:
Or you can get the book here:

LGBT or Transgender organizations often have youth organizations, mixers for new people, support meetings for transgender people etc. That would be a good place to find supporting and accepting people. Here are a few:

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#4 [url]

May 12 17 9:53 AM

A great deal of what I read really resonates with me. So much in fact that were literally lines I felt I had written myself. I've left my suggestions relating to the questions as if I were actually replying to Jennifer. Please keep in mind it is only an opinion that can be disregarded because they are only my thoughts and Jennifer has to find her own way and do what works for her.

1. I know that feeling well since my parents would never understand me either. The thing is you need to understand that you are a unique and wonderful person, we all are and we all have different ways of expressing that.  Once you accept that the cross dressing is major part of how you identify with yourself you can start to slowly see past what anyone else thinks. It isn’t easy but you do have to do that for your own peace of mind and it can sometimes take a very long time. I wasted decades trying to deny who I am, so much wasted time and I wouldn’t want anyone else to themselves though all that torment.

2. This is normal because you’re expressing how you feel inside but one thing you need to consider is that even when you can’t dress you are always Jennifer in your mind. What you’re experiencing is your inner feelings, wants and needs. If possible you need to embrace that.  

3. Neither have I, only short term relationships and I think I’ve always denied myself any joy because I always felt I would have to lie or be secretive and it’s not fair on a potential partner.  Ideally I would like to find someone too who actually gets and accepts me that I can be totally honest with from the beginning. 

4. I’ve always found that girls love talking about clothes and makeup if you get them started so don’t feel so awkward about asking. Do it on a forum in anonymity if you are self-conscious. As for guys I’m not interested in a lot of guy related stuff anyway. Fortunately my best friend who is a guy is accepting of me and we can pretty much talk about anything. I am very lucky in that respect. 

5. Yes confidence has a lot to do with it especially if you are still questioning who you are. You will find once you accept the situation and understand your own behaviour and find strength in it you will gradually become more confident and assertive. 

6. Fear, paranoia, guilt, shame are all old friends to me and sadly they are friends you can do without. If possible I would see if you can find a way to take time out, go off for a weekend and do what you really want to do in a place where no one knows you. It might help. 

7.Any form of local support group or a good forum would do you a lot of good because not having anyone means you end up doing a lot of self-judging and questioning and it can get unhealthy. Everyone needs some form of social life however limited. 

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#7 [url]

May 25 17 8:42 AM

It seems Jennifer is stuck in the same Catch 22 as many others of the more "love shy" crossdreamers: You are damned to loneliness if you don't do anything, you risk having to play the role of a regular male if you hide the truth, and you risk ridicule and rejection if you do come out to the girl you like.

Yes, this is how it always felt to me. I have social anxiety disorder, so I can relate to this. Trying to do relationship things is bad enough, but then there's the constant fear of being "found out" and trying to fit into masculine gender roles.

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