Tags : :
This trend continued throughout high school for me and although I continued to have sexual feelings towards girls, it was never enough for me to work up the nerve to ask a girl out let alone show any affection. Now I'm in college and I feel like I'm in the same place or maybe even worse off than I was before. I've still never had a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone and now I'm beginning to have doubts about who I am sexually and even doubts about my gender identity. More and more I've been noticing and appreciating certain qualities of the same sex, but like with the opposite sex I've never made a move. I've never felt an emotion strong enough to make me want to throw everything aside and just go for it.
If I had to label myself as I am right now, I'd say that I'm a bisexual male who is also a crossdreamer. But even giving myself that label doesn't feel "right". I admit that I am a crossdreamer, however, I don't feel the need to transition, cross-dress, or even take hormones. Like I said before, I always considered myself a mostly heterosexual male who used crossdreaming as a means to "spice-up" my sexual life. But I think that given the evidence, I can't live under that label anymore. And now that I've been noticing men more sexually, I'm just very confused as to what I am and where to go from here. Every post about coming out or really understanding oneself seems to rest on the idea that it simply takes time. But it seems that the more time that I take to consider my sexuality and gender identity, I get further and further from a solid conclusion. All of my life, I've known what I wanted and where I was going, but ever since I learned about crossdreaming and started to acknowledge my feelings towards the same sex, I feel like I have no drive or purpose.
Things like college, work and the ocassional video game distract my mind enough to make me feel a little bit in control, but I feel like I'm just getting by. More importantly, I feel extremely alone. I know that there are other people out there who've gone or are going through the same thing, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm still on my own at the end of the day when I turn off my laptop. I can surround myself with people who love me, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to experience what romantic love feels like. What it feels like to connect with a person on not just on a sexual, but on an emotional level. I set up an appointment with a therapist to start working through some these feelings I've been experiencing, but I find it hard to believe that they could help me work through something as complex as this. Either way, I thank anyone that's made it this far. I'm just looking for answers, but my greatest fear is that no matter how hard I look, I won't find them...