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Jan 17 17 8:45 PM

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For a long time, I've always felt different but I never had a name for what that difference was. However, after finding the Crossdreamers blog and reading through multiple posts and stories, I can confirm that that difference was and still is in fact crossdreaming. Looking back on when it all started in force, I'd say that I was maybe 12 or 13 and was just starting to experiment with masturabtion and pornography. I used to seek out male-to-female transformation videos on YouTube and sometimes even found actual porn to work through my sexual desires. However, I always viewed these habits as normal since I would for the most part alternate between "normal" heterosexual porn and that of the crossdreamer variety. 

This trend continued throughout high school for me and although I continued to have sexual feelings towards girls, it was never enough for me to work up the nerve to ask a girl out let alone show any affection. Now I'm in college and I feel like I'm in the same place or maybe even worse off than I was before. I've still never had a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone and now I'm beginning to have doubts about who I am sexually and even doubts about my gender identity. More and more I've been noticing and appreciating certain qualities of the same sex, but like with the opposite sex I've never made a move. I've never felt an emotion strong enough to make me want to throw everything aside and just go for it. 

If I had to label myself as I am right now, I'd say that I'm a bisexual male who is also a crossdreamer. But even giving myself that label doesn't feel "right". I admit that I am a crossdreamer, however, I don't feel the need to transition, cross-dress, or even take hormones. Like I said before, I always considered myself a mostly heterosexual male who used crossdreaming as a means to "spice-up" my sexual life. But I think that given the evidence, I can't live under that label anymore. And now that I've been noticing men more sexually, I'm just very confused as to what I am and where to go from here. Every post about coming out or really understanding oneself seems to rest on the idea that it simply takes time. But it seems that the more time that I take to consider my sexuality and gender identity, I get further and further from a solid conclusion. All of my life, I've known what I wanted and where I was going, but ever since I learned about crossdreaming and started to acknowledge my feelings towards the same sex, I feel like I have no drive or purpose. 

Things like college, work and the ocassional video game distract my mind enough to make me feel a little bit in control, but I feel like I'm just getting by. More importantly, I feel extremely alone. I know that there are other people out there who've gone or are going through the same thing, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm still on my own at the end of the day when I turn off my laptop. I can surround myself with people who love me, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to experience what romantic love feels like. What it feels like to connect with a person on not just on a sexual, but on an emotional level. I set up an appointment with a therapist to start working through some these feelings I've been experiencing, but I find it hard to believe that they could help me work through something as complex as this. Either way, I thank anyone that's made it this far. I'm just looking for answers, but my greatest fear is that no matter how hard I look, I won't find them...

 
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#1 [url]

Jan 18 17 1:19 AM

Welcome MJ! You have definitely come to the right place.

First: Let me be very frank about this: What you are going through right now is tough, and it may be for a while. Like many of us, you have been sent out into the "twilight zone", beyond the traditional concepts of straight sex and traditional gender identities, and given that most people has no language to handle that such of thing, it can get lonely.

Fortunately the transgender and genderqueer communities have been discussing such experiences for a long time, so there are ways of approaching this and you are not alone.

If I had to label myself as I am right now, I'd say that I'm a bisexual male who is also a crossdreamer. But even giving myself that label doesn't feel "right". I admit that I am a crossdreamer, however, I don't feel the need to transition, cross-dress, or even take hormones.

For me labels are just tools to help us understand ourselves. In the end we might feel more comfortable with some but not others, so we use them to tell others about ourlives. Which is fine, but we are all far too complex beings to be captured in full by such terms.

You do not have to feel the need to transition, crossdress or take hormones to feel at home among crossdreamers. I am not transitioning. I am not even crossdressing, and still feel like a crossdreamer.

And the fact is that the way you describe yourself, you also fit under the broad transgender umbrella, transgender in the sense of being gender variant. You do not have to transition or identify fully with your target sex to be trans.

I find your description of attraction to men very helpful. Some crossdreamers think of this as the effect of the desire to be seen as a woman, in the sense that the idea of being with a man is a confirmation of some sense of femininity. Others argue that this is the "inner woman" talking, and that the part "she" represents desires men, while your male persona don't. I have lately come to think of this as another shade of bisexuality. It is it was it is, and that's OK.
I set up an appointment with a therapist to start working through some these feelings I've been experiencing, but I find it hard to believe that they could help me work through something as complex as this. 

Actually, in my experience (and I have been in a place similar to yours) the therapist does not even need to know what is really going on with you, as long as he or she is able to help you ask the right questions and answer them for yourself. Talking about this, with a therapist or here at CDL, is often a good way of untangle the chaos you are facing right now. Finding a therapist is a good choice, if you ask me!

 

Last Edited By: jackmolay Feb 10 17 4:18 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#2 [url]

Jan 19 17 2:26 PM

Hi MJ.
You've taken an important first step in posting your story here. I can relate to your description of feeling awkward around women; I had a very hard time relating to women in a social setting. Not because I was too shy to talk to them - it was the impression I left that was frustrating for me. Many times my attempts to get to know someone romantically were interpreted (this is my opinion really) as friendly, harmless, sweet. There was just something about me that always screamed 'friend' and not 'boy-friend.' I did eventually meet someone in my mid 20's and I have been with her ever since.
Try to remain positive, believe that there is someone out there who will love you for who you are. When I was young I know I missed out on many opportunities to connect with people due to my own feelings of negativity. Also, go to places where you have a higher chance to meet other people who are questioning their gender identity. Gay bars are a good place to start. Just make sure you don't have anything hanging out of your pockets when you go - this is very often a sign that you are cruising. :) Talk to people! I'll tell you that if there is one group of people who are open about sex and relationships it is the Gay community. I have had some really wild conversations on this topic with drag queens!
A therapist might help you somewhat but don't expect too much. Most of the work has to be done by you.

*hugs* Bobbi

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#3 [url]

Jan 21 17 5:26 PM

Thanks for the kind words eveyone. I recently started keeping a journal to help me work through what I've been feeling. While it helped me a little bit, I'm still very confused and scared about the possibility of me being trans or my innability to accept it. Scared that even now I might be lying to myself. In my first post, I talked about how I was content with who I am physically. However, the more that I'm left to my thoughts, the more I seem to be considering what things would be like and if they'd be any better if I was a girl. Ever since I was a little kid I wondered, but I always just accepted who I was physically and moved on. A part of me feels compelled to transition, but another part is telling me to stay put.

When I look in the mirror, I don't necessarily hate what I see. But I don't necessarily love it either. In that moment, I can't imagine myself being anybody else or looking any other way. And when I imagine myself as female, I have an extremely hard time picturing what I'd look like. When I'm depressed and imagine myself that way, I feel happier, but only for a moment. After that initial glow fades and I'm left with my thoughts, I become grounded in the reality that if I were to transition, I would be leaving a part of me behind that I could never recover. And I fear the idea that If I did go through with it, that I would regret the decision because it was only the result of some sexual desire and not the way that I truly feel. 

I don't want to be anyone other than myself, and I think that by transitioning I would be betraying a part of what makes me who I am. But at the same time, I don't want to sit here and lie to myself and be content with mediocrity. I want to love and improve myself. I want to be a better person. I just have a very hard imagining who that person is. Whether they're male or female. The future is wide open, and that is what scares me more than anything!

Last Edited By: mjperry96 Feb 27 17 2:51 PM. Edited 1 time.

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#4 [url]

Jan 23 17 7:47 PM

Welcome to the forum. I hope we help you find some of the answers you're looking for. I can be a scary place to be in when you're not exactly sure who and what you are.

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#5 [url]

Mar 15 17 1:52 AM

mjperry96 wrote:
For a long time, I've always felt different but I never had a name for what that difference was. However, after finding the Crossdreamers blog and reading through multiple posts and stories, I can confirm that that difference was and still is in fact crossdreaming. Looking back on when it all started in force, I'd say that I was maybe 12 or 13 and was just starting to experiment with masturabtion and pornography. I used to seek out male-to-female transformation videos on YouTube and sometimes even found actual porn to work through my sexual desires. However, I always viewed these habits as normal since I would for the most part alternate between "normal" heterosexual porn and that of the crossdreamer variety. 

This trend continued throughout high school for me and although I continued to have sexual feelings towards girls, it was never enough for me to work up the nerve to ask a girl out let alone show any affection. Now I'm in college and I feel like I'm in the same place or maybe even worse off than I was before. I've still never had a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone and now I'm beginning to have doubts about who I am sexually and even doubts about my gender identity. More and more I've been noticing and appreciating certain qualities of the same sex, but like with the opposite sex I've never made a move. I've never felt an emotion strong enough to make me want to throw everything aside and just go for it. 

If I had to label myself as I am right now, I'd say that I'm a bisexual male who is also a crossdreamer. But even giving myself that label doesn't feel "right". I admit that I am a crossdreamer, however, I don't feel the need to transition, cross-dress, or even take hormones. Like I said before, I always considered myself a mostly heterosexual male who used crossdreaming as a means to "spice-up" my sexual life. But I think that given the evidence, I can't live under that label anymore. And now that I've been noticing men more sexually, I'm just very confused as to what I am and where to go from here. Every post about coming out or really understanding oneself seems to rest on the idea that it simply takes time. But it seems that the more time that I take to consider my sexuality and gender identity, I get further and further from a solid conclusion. All of my life, I've known what I wanted and where I was going, but ever since I learned about crossdreaming and started to acknowledge my feelings towards the same sex, I feel like I have no drive or purpose. 

Things like college, work and the ocassional video game distract my mind enough to make me feel a little bit in control, but I feel like I'm just getting by. More importantly, I feel extremely alone. I know that there are other people out there who've gone or are going through the same thing, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I'm still on my own at the end of the day when I turn off my laptop. I can surround myself with people who love me, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to experience what romantic love feels like. What it feels like to connect with a person on not just on a sexual, but on an emotional level. I set up an appointment with a therapist to start working through some these feelings I've been experiencing, but I find it hard to believe that they could help me work through something as complex as this. Either way, I thank anyone that's made it this far. I'm just looking for answers, but my greatest fear is that no matter how hard I look, I won't find them...

 
Hi mjperry96!

Sorry for the very late reply, but I have been pretty busy.

Can I ask if it is okay to call you MJ, or maybe just Perry?  Or do you want us to refer to you by your full ID mjperry06?  Or do you have another pseudonym you would like to go by?  Alot of us here on CDL feel that we have such a strong opposite gender sides to ourselves, that we sometimes even give that side a name; and many of us go by those names here.  I, for example, go by "Vaydra" which is the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl.

I have to admit, your introduction speaks to me quite strongly.  I never had these type of feelings until about the summer between 6 and 7th grade.  Until then I didn't have those type of feelings either, but when it started it came as you so perfectly put it "In force."  And also like you I have never had anytime of romantic relationship of any kind, and feel that I might not ever be able to connect to another person on that kind of level.

I agree with jack that labels are tools, something we use to tell the world about us.  Almost no label ever fits perfectly, but that is the great thing about labels, you can change them whenever you wish.  If you feel a certain label isn't right for you, then you can drop it at anytime and take up a new one.  Never feel like you have to pick a label and stick with it for life.  Originally I used to think I was a straight guy with a fetish.  But the more I tried to cram myself into that box the more it became clear that it didn't fit.  In time, as I learned more about the world and myself I threw those labels away and found new ones (asexual crossdreamer) that actually feel comfortable to me.  

I know that you aren't a fan of saying it takes time, but when it comes to issues like gender and sexuality, issues filled with ambiguity and uncertainty, issues where in truth everyone is different in different ways, time is the only way we can ever sort things out.

Loneliness?  Another place I can relate.  As I child almost never had any friends.  Where the teachers during recess would punish other kids by forcing them to sit against the wall, I did so willingly just waiting for recess to end.  Even now, I can count the number of people I know in real life who I consider friends on one hand and have a fingers left over.  The only people I really have around me are my immediate family, and I know one day they too will be gone.

But, that is the way of life.  Almost everyone is in someway alone.  We are born alone and we die alone.  However, that is only in the strictest sense of what "alone" means.  In another sense, we do create bonds along our lives that connect us to others.  And though, we might not be able to see these bonds, they do not disappear when we close our laptops.  The people at the other ends of the screen are real people too, who might not have met you in person, but know about you and care about you; something that doesn't stop just because the computer turns off.

I believe we are all looking for answers; but sometimes there are none and then it is up to ourselves to create our own answers.




Last Edited By: Lost247365 Mar 15 17 2:10 AM. Edited 1 time.

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