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Nov 6 16 12:30 AM

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This is my first post in here.  My number one reason to be here is to get to know other women who fantasize about having sex with women "as men."  Yeah, like imagining you have a penis. :)

I've kept this secret my entire life and I'm middle aged now, and it just hasn't been good for me to do that.  I need to talk.

When I was young, I just assumed that everyone had dreams that they were the opposite sex.  I mean, we read books and watch movies where the main character is the opposite sex, and you see things through their eyes, so doesn't it just make sense to dream this way?

When I finally talked to some folks about it, I was really surprised to find that no, most people don't.  Then I considered my fantasies, my deliberate daydreams, and realized I "needed" to keep them secret.  The more I have kept them secret, the more perverted I have felt.

Indigo Myst

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep. (Shakespeare, The Tempest)

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#1 [url]

Nov 6 16 7:22 AM

Welcome Indigo! I am glad to see you here.

I think you will find that MTF and FTM crossdreamers have more in common than many think.

I can most certainly relate to this paragraph:

The more I have kept them secret, the more perverted I have felt.


The silence and the shame turns the fantasies into a wound, festering.  By talking about this we clean that wound, which helps us heal and accept ourselves for who we truly are.

When I started blogging about crossdreaming I found nothing about female assigned crossdreamers anywhere. Now I have had the pleasure of learning to know many, and they have taught me much.

I am looking forward to hearing more of your story!

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#3 [url]

Nov 6 16 10:13 AM

Josie wrote:
I know that I, and probably most others here, understand the emotional toll it takes keeping something like this a secret.

I could not agree more, Josie. I don't mean to compare wounds but I'd say that the shame of gender dysphoria is a larger load than most anything else... those feelings won't be denied unless and until that shame is defused. Everyone's journey is different but I feel that is a common denominator. 

The flip side is that once that shame is dealt with and self-acceptance is nurtured I have a pride and joy that I never thought possible. I don't know where my journey will lead me but I'm now looking forward to more adventures.

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#4 [url]

Nov 6 16 5:58 PM

Thank you all for your replies!

Yes, the secrecy has made me emotionally sick. I don't need to wear a sign that says to the whole world that I cross dream, but at the same time, I need to stop keeping it a secret. I'm committed to this now.

I opened up to my son today. I asked him if ever ever dreamed he were different, like a horse or Chinese or a girl. LOL Anyhow, I just figured that would be an easy way for me to discuss that I sometime dream that I'm a guy (without getting into sex fantasies--he is after all my son you know!) Well, come to find out that he also cross dreams, and that in fact he feels he is "a lesbian in a man's body." See now his wearing his sister's pocahontas dress when he was a boy has a whole new meaning! By being less secretive, not only did I do something good for myself, but for my son as well.

One of the things that I find curious about cross dreaming is that it is done by both cis and transgenders. I'm not transgender at all. I am sooooo into being all curvy and feminine and sexy. To be really honest, it's starting to bug me that what little informative sites I can find seem to make the "default" position of cross dreaming a form of transgenderism.

I am very curious about the cause of it, although really we don't seem to know, do we? I think in my case it may have to do with my levels of testosterone, or the fact that I have been a voracious reader from the age of 9. You're probably saying, What do books have to do with it? When you read, you put yourselves into the shoes of the characters of the books. You see life through their eyes. And especially when I was a kid, the main protagonists were much more often male. Sorry but Nancy Drew wasn't my thing. Look at the Lord of the Rings (my favorite book!): the movie had to do rewrites because it is now simply unacceptable to have a story without major women characters.

Indigo Myst

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep. (Shakespeare, The Tempest)

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#5 [url]

Nov 6 16 7:28 PM

We Have Much In Common

 Hello, I am a middle aged male. Sorry, the pic isn't of me, wish it was sometimes. :)
I've had the same types of fantasies while growing up except the oppoite way. I would
think about swapping bodies with a girl and having sex with a man. It's nice to meet you
Indigo Myst. :)

Last Edited By: amandapa86 Nov 6 16 7:31 PM. Edited 2 times.

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#6 [url]

Nov 7 16 12:18 AM

 //Well, come to find out that he also cross dreams, and that in fact he feels he is "a lesbian in a man's body." //

I have no proof of any of this, but sometimes I wonder if there is a hereditary part of crossdreaming, in the sense that crossdreamers are more likely to have crossdreaming offspring. I am reminded of Ernest Hemingway (who definitely was a crossdreamer) and his transgender child, Gloria (oritinal name Gregory) Hemingway.

// To be really honest, it's starting to bug me that what little informative sites I can find seem to make the "default" position of cross dreaming a form of transgenderism.//

You are absolutely right that a lot of crossdreamers do not identify with their target fantasy gender. In our online study of crossdreamers we found that 1/3 were severely gender dysphoric, meaning that the majority were not.

Please note, though, that the most common definition of transgender is not "someone who wants to transition or have transitioned" but rather "someone who are gender variant". Having fantasies about being ones fantasy target sex or crossdressing is a kind of gender variance. That is why I think of all crossdreamers as transgender, but not transsexual.

@amandapa86

Welcome, Amanda. I would love to hear your story, as well.

 

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#7 [url]

Nov 7 16 7:31 AM

amandapa86 wrote:
  It takes a toll big time on you as far as keeping these feelings a secret. Before the
internet, I thought I was the only one like this. It's so good to know Josie that there
​are nice people that think the say way that you can talk to.

Hello,

If you feel comfortable doing so, we would like to see you make a post and share some of your experiences. If you need to get some things out amoung people who understand, that's what we're here for.

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#8 [url]

Nov 7 16 9:36 AM

Hi Indigo and welcome :)

I know that I too have had a rough time dealing with the secrecy of my crossdreaming. It's something that I discuss with my wife and I admire your courage to just open up to your son! It's inspiring to those of us who haven't told anyone yet, that the outcome may not be as bad of one as I have often imagined.

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#9 [url]

Nov 7 16 3:52 PM

Thank you all for your continuing support. This means the world to me.

Indigo Myst

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep. (Shakespeare, The Tempest)

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#10 [url]

Nov 8 16 9:05 AM

jackmolay wrote:

So I'm transgender but not transexual?  Fascinating!!!!  I have to try on this new label.

Indigo Myst

We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep. (Shakespeare, The Tempest)

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#14 [url]

Nov 11 16 9:58 PM

Indigo Myst wrote:
I opened up to my son today. I asked him if ever ever dreamed he were different, like a horse or Chinese or a girl. LOL Anyhow, I just figured that would be an easy way for me to discuss that I sometime dream that I'm a guy (without getting into sex fantasies--he is after all my son you know!) Well, come to find out that he also cross dreams, and that in fact he feels he is "a lesbian in a man's body." See now his wearing his sister's pocahontas dress when he was a boy has a whole new meaning! By being less secretive, not only did I do something good for myself, but for my son as well.
 

That is so wonderful, Indigo. You are a great mother for doing this, and I think both of you will be better off for it I believe it can really deepen relationships. I really wish someone had told me that my crossdreaming was perfectly healthy when I was younger, instead of living most of my life in shame and denial.

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#16 [url]

Nov 23 16 8:51 PM

Difficult

 I realize that maybe it's difficult to talk about this especially because I'm
​new here and male. Please be assured that I understand what you're
experiencing because I have similar thoughts.

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