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Oct 11 16 2:57 AM

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some say that if you think you might be transgender then you are. being transgender - trans for short - is just feeling that you don't fit in with the established gender binary. i would add that it is a personal, instinctive feeling, not an intellectual or political position.  

trans is about subjective feelings. it is objectively true that you are trans if you have the subjective feelings. this is odd, as it can feel like a choice, like you can be not trans by not accepting the feelings. but you are trans - like it or not, however you respond to or interpret the feelings.

this says nothing about what causes the feelings. saying that you have trans feelings definitely does not mean that there must be objective female essence within you. this can be - and is - debated and debated and debated, but you've got the feelings regardless. it is not a kind of madness, it is not like believing you are Elvis Presley - it is far too common, and common amongst generally sane people. we have the feelings - feelings cannot be false. 

so, i am transgender - 'trans'. it's something very private, lonesome, yet there are so many of us out there. in particular this is the case with crossdreaming, which by definition goes on inside a crossdreamer - it is not a social act, not a social presentation. the feelings - how i regard them and how i regard myself in the light of them - seem so important, so important to me, such a deep and crucial part of who i am. so i really feel a bond with others who feel the feelings. it's not what you do, it's what you feel.   

i sense from introductions here that people join CDL wanting to feel this bond, a sense of community. just feeling the bond is a big start. you are not alone. xx
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#1 [url]

Oct 11 16 10:28 PM

Feelings just are. We can control how to act upon our feelings, but we can't control what we feel in the first place.

This is something I am still struggling to come to terms with. I'm just barely accepting that I have trans feelings, and no amount of therapy or willpower is going to "cure" them and make them go away. It's just intrinsically who I am. They make me who I am, as much as I wish this weren't the case.

For a long time I pretended these feelings didn't exist, or were maybe something else. Now I'm starting to accept that I have them, even though at times I hate it.

I'm still not sure what I will choose to do. Maybe something. Today was National Coming Out Day. And I thought pretty hard about trying to come out. But in the end, I didn't.

So maybe I'll choose to do nothing public and just work on self-acceptance for a while.

Thanks for your post. It does help to see how other people are working through these feelings. And even though everyone's experience is unique, we still share a common humanity.

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#2 [url]

Oct 11 16 11:10 PM

Well, I know I joined this forum with the hope that I would connect people that could relate to what I was feeling. It's such a strange thing though, this condition can leave me feeling confused, euphoric, terrified, depressed, and at times exasperated. I know they are not false, but somehow close to the core of my being, even if they may wax and wane in their intensity.

Morphodite - it's funny you mentioned National Coming Out day was today. My wife told me about it this morning - she's very pro LGBT rights - and I mulled over bringing up my recent struggles with crossdreaming. Then I thought about it more and I really didn't now what that conversation would look like  - would I be "coming out" as trans? I don't know. I realize I need to have a probably need to have a better idea about  what I want to say when I do have the conversation. It did remind me of a part in Jack's interview with Felix Conrad that had me cracking up as to how accurate it was from my perspective:

You know something Jack... for all my words, and blog posts, and books... I can honestly say that I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I would probably like to come out to my friends... but I don't know exactly what I'd be coming out as.

ME: "Hi... everyone... I've called you all here so I can finally come out."
FRIENDS: "Come out as what?"
ME: "I'm still working on that one."

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#3 [url]

Mar 13 17 1:39 AM

It seems to me too many people are engaged in policing other people's feelings. If they do not fit their preconceptions of what is right and true, the feelings must be false -- sick, even. And the more strongly those feelings collide with old held beliefs about what society should look like, the more violent the reactions get. 

So yes, I agree with Debbie, we need to take one step back, look at what we feel, just the way if appear to us, before we start moralizing and intellectualizing. Because regardless what causes these feelings, they are real and they reflect something real and important in us. And if we do not listen to these feelings, and feel these feelings, we shrink as human beings. We become smaller and weaker.

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#4 [url]

Mar 29 17 1:11 PM

Hello I have very strong trans feminine feelings. In my case I have had to separate this from the sexual experience, to hopefully reunite myself with an appropriate male who is trans affirming. Somehow by acting out I have identified my trans feelings as being perverted, but I know that is a mistake, being trans is actually quite natural if we allow ourselves to feel our feelings. For me it is not exactly a choice as I am not strictly an XY prototype. In my case I have had to disengage from so many who I have related with to re encounter my identity as trans affirming female. This is what makes for a great epiphany not believing in what is right or wrong, or what is and what is not, but being your self almost in the face of others, which means taking a stance on who you are and who I am in the midst of gender immersion.

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#5 [url]

Mar 30 17 5:01 AM

Welcome Robben Wendy, I am glad to see you here.  From what I read in your other comment, you have already taken some really important steps towards expressing your gender variance both emotionally and physically.

I read your message as a gospel of self-acceptance. I like that.

Could you say some more about what you mean when you say that this is also about acting out feelings?

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#6 [url]

Mar 30 17 6:13 AM

Hello,

In my view transitioning as an interpersonal form of self expression, that is based on something that society transcends but may not accept. There are many feminine males, and masculine females. I feel that my being a female has a great deal to do with who I see is in power, for that matter my wife has been dominant in my progress and my transitioning and has been there for me, when my behavior was unacceptable. What I mean by acting out is that since I have recently identified a grave obsession to porn, I finally decide to download a porn blocker into my computer, while I have only been viewing for about five years, I am pleased that the blocker is working and I have gone this week without viewing any pornography. It was costing me money, and getting me into inappropriate communications. My hope is to self identify as a female with out feeling that being transgender is somehow corrupt.

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#7 [url]

Apr 3 17 1:01 AM

I belong to those who think that porn or erotica in yourself does not make you corrupt, but I do understand that if your porn consumption becomes obsessive and stands in the way of your relationship to others, you have a problem. I am glad you have found a way to handle that problem.

If I understand you correctly your point is not that sexual desire makes you less of a woman, but that porn has made you neglect other aspects of your female self and stopped you from expressing those sides. Now you allow yourself to express those sides of you, with pride. I like that.

I am not quite sure if I understand your comment about "being a female has a great deal to do with who I see is in power". I have seen so many different relationships, and it seems to me that who is "in power" (dominant?) will vary a lot. But maybe your idea of women being in power is based on your personal experience. 

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#8 [url]

May 7 17 3:10 AM

I do agree that sometimes feelings just ‘are’ and trying to explain them isn’t very productive. I guess that’s why I sometimes steer clear of the threads here full of ‘theory’.. It doesn’t help me that Dr X and Dr Y say what I feel is a good thing normal thing and Dr Z thinks I’m a pervert… Thanks Dr X and Dr Y but I think I’ve worked that out for myself

Because I don’t feel any shame at being a crossdreamer. When I found this site on the old platform I thought for a while I was in the wrong place, because most of the posts seem to people who were having some emotional difficulty with crossdreaming and to various extents wanting to give it up.
It probably helps that I’m pretty sure I’m not going to transisition. I seem to be at some point on the sprectrum well enough long to be sure its defintely something, but not as far along for ‘should I transition’ to be a question that keeps me awake at night

Part of it is that I’m not particularly unhappy as I am.. I don’t feel able to ‘celebrate’ my maleness but I can be content just beig as I am……. On the other hand the idea of being female seems quite exquistate. I’ve been meaning to post something recently – and will – on the different aspects of this from the phhysical to the social.. but I think that is a separate post.
I don’t feel under any pressure to ‘come out’… My crossdreaming is kinda internalised and on this site (and a couple of others thigh more in the past)… But I’m not sure how to come out as a ‘crossdreamer’ because its still not a widely understood term. I can see even trans-sympathetic people asking ‘well, are you trans or not?”. In fact on previous sites trans people have more or less told m e I’m a fraud because I don’t seem so committed to transitioning. I didn’t take offence at this. I think it was their issue really. We are all trying to find in others explanations for ourselves. I think this underlies what Jack says above, with regards to policing other people’s feelinnngs. Like Jack, I think this is the wrong thing to do…… but sometimes I can imagine other peoples thought processes “This person says they are transgender in a way but isn’t transitioning.. they are telling me I shoulldn’t be transitioning….” But No, I’d never think anything of the sort.
Because I get a certain pleasure - not quite the right word – from seeing others (FtM as well as MtF) make successful transitions…. And I get annoyed as anyone when people post that because they regret their own transition (or know someone who does) that means nobody should

On points other people have made here, I don’t get too involved in porn… Sometimes I enjoy looking at female nudity, or a female, nude, getting the ‘attentions’ of a male… but in a vanilla kind of way… and then its just a matter of ‘identification with the star..

While I don’t feel need to make everyone out to be like me… or a freak… its always good to meet people who feel about themselves as I do about myself.. still its good to meet people who are!

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#9 [url]

May 7 17 3:55 AM

I like the way you write about this, and I am sure your approach is a sound and sensible one: Approach your own identity as it is and do not feel pressured to adapt to the definitions of others of what trans is.

The fact is that the great majority of trans people (transgender in the sense of gender variant) do not transition, for good reasons, for bad reasons, but it is their reasons, and we should respect that, in the same way we must respect and help those that do transition.

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#10 [url]

May 7 17 12:56 PM

I agree Jack.. well I would do since you are agreeing with me....

I see too many people - including on this forum unfortunately - who seem to take the line..


"You'll be pleased to know I have it all worked out, what this transgender thing is.. listen up and I'll tell you"

What I will call the moderates then say "And once you accept you are like me you'll be much happier. And as your friend, I'll help you get there)

And then the others say variants of ... "If you don't accept MY truth then you are in the way, an enemy of true transgender people, a freak, a pervert"

I'll NEVER say any of these things... I'll accept people as they say they are, share my experiences and maybe that will help the people who do not yet know where they are, even if just a little.

I also promise not to label anyone, whether they agree with me or not...

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#11 [url]

May 13 17 11:24 PM

Deborah Kate wrote:
some say that if you think you might be transgender then you are. being transgender - trans for short - is just feeling that you don't fit in with the established gender binary. i would add that it is a personal, instinctive feeling, not an intellectual or political position.  

trans is about subjective feelings. it is objectively true that you are trans if you have the subjective feelings. this is odd, as it can feel like a choice, like you can be not trans by not accepting the feelings. but you are trans - like it or not, however you respond to or interpret the feelings.

this says nothing about what causes the feelings. saying that you have trans feelings definitely does not mean that there must be objective female essence within you. this can be - and is - debated and debated and debated, but you've got the feelings regardless. it is not a kind of madness, it is not like believing you are Elvis Presley - it is far too common, and common amongst generally sane people. we have the feelings - feelings cannot be false. 

so, i am transgender - 'trans'. it's something very private, lonesome, yet there are so many of us out there. in particular this is the case with crossdreaming, which by definition goes on inside a crossdreamer - it is not a social act, not a social presentation. the feelings - how i regard them and how i regard myself in the light of them - seem so important, so important to me, such a deep and crucial part of who i am. so i really feel a bond with others who feel the feelings. it's not what you do, it's what you feel.   

i sense from introductions here that people join CDL wanting to feel this bond, a sense of community. just feeling the bond is a big start. you are not alone. xx

A beautiful message that deserves a bump.  No matter how others try and tear us apart, so long as we are there for each other we can overcome it all.

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