#22 [url]

Mar 14 17 10:57 AM

Well, we went to the pharmacy today and I now have in front of me my first box of patches, a months supply. So I think I'm gonna put one on tonight and see how I feel in the morning.

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My prescription is just for 3 months, but as they are presently hard to come by the pharmacy can only get one box at a time, and then I have a followup appointment with the endocrinologist after that to see how I'm doing. I guess he'll want to do more tests to check how my blood levels have changed by then or something, coz I don't suppose it will make that much difference physically.

Like I'm going to Canada just before then and will be seeing my sister who lives and works in the USA while we're over there, and she seemed to think I'd have sprouted like Marilyn Monroe by then, but I guess that probably takes more like 2-3 years and a good deal higher dosage to achieve, good thing too or I'd need to get a new passport photo taken. ;-)
I guess she's just somehow forgotten how long it actually took her to go through puberty or something.

(Actually back in 2008 after I'd lost a ton of weight I did even managed to fit into some of her old stuff she'd left behind, (with a mixture of pride that I'd actually managed to get there, and shame that even after resisting the temptation for a decade or more I somehow still really really wanted to try it on), so maybe I will again someday.. though not for a while as I'm not putting myself through a diet regime like that again in a hurry, unless I really feel a lot better first)

My mums been like 'This is gonna be the first day of the rest of your life', and 'You do realise you're now gonna have to be paying for this stuff for decades to come', and so forth, but let's just see how it goes for the first 3 months and then decide. I'm like, 'It can't really be much more expensive than just paying for Nicorette patches or something, but since I managed never to take up smoking I haven't ever needed them.'
I'm not making myself physiologically dependant on heroine or anything, so if it costs even £30 a month to do it privately it's not exactly going to empty my bank account overnight.

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#23 [url]

Mar 14 17 12:49 PM

You know what? I think your mother is on to something. This is an important day both practically and symbolically! It is a big deal. 

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S !



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#24 [url]

Mar 14 17 2:08 PM

Honestly, seems very weird to have to wait like 3 1/4 years for someone to give you the official permission to stick a 2.5cm bit of plastic to your body twice a week, containing an active ingredient measured in micro grams. Like that's it?

I guess it's supposed to be rather stronger/purer than whatever I was getting out of oral PM, but we'll see. 
I may be just imagining it but so far all I seem to be getting is warmth spreading out from that area. (I actually bothered to shave a patch of body hair off specially..)

So I suppose I can now forgive myself a bit for being quite so 'weird' as a teenager, and 'messing up' my A levels and so forth. Could I just please now tell my 14-16 year old self 'It gets better?' or just maybe tell her not to be stupid enough to waste the next 15+ years pretending to be something she wasn't?

I must say it's been very strange having to actually tell other people all the things that I'd kind of sworn to myself for years that I'd never say to anyone.
I'm pretty boring though, I don't have a massive road to redemption story, I never took drugs or even seriously tried to drown all my sorrows in alcohol, just maybe in work stress and overeating and stuff. 

Oh well, and I still remember watching this sort of thing and just wishing it could be me.. " target="_blank" rel="nofollow">

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#25 [url]

Mar 15 17 2:40 AM

Well so far so good. If anything at all has happened it's just been a spreading warmth all over my body, and waking up in the morning actually being fairly cheerful instead of miserable.
I'm not sure if I'm that much more energetic just yet but it doesn't seem to be quite so hard to concentrate first thing. (Hmm, maybe 10am isn't usually 'first thing' to most people, some say there are even some weird people that get up at 6am every morning and go off to the gym and stuff, but I reckon they are just making that stuff up. The day doesn't really start till about 11ish does it?)
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Why Procrastinators Procrastinate..

Oh, so maybe that's why I've been stalling on life for the last 20 odd years..
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#26 [url]

Mar 31 17 8:44 AM

I really like this one, from one of the girls featured in that famous recent issue of National Geographic.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/12/gender-confirmation-surgery-transition/
http://tumblr.refinery29.com/post/155443529817

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I don't think my family are quite that supportive, to just be able to turn around and say for sure 'I'm a girl' when I was still 17, well before I'd really started having to shave and so forth..
Well obviously, or I'd have had the courage to do something well before I was 25 I guess, even if my dad was still going on about gays being 'shirtlifters'...
I knew I really just had to do something when all the people doing all the kinds of things that at one stage I'd always wanted to do when I was a bit older, were now already almost a decade younger than me.
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So thanks for that Samantha Barks etc.. ;-)
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My older brother is still sort of 'You've just read too much online, and now you're making all stuff up, and it's all psychosomatic, and you are just confusing yourself' type thing. Maybe up until about 5 years ago I would even have believed him, but since then I've done my 'research' and figured it all out, and no, being transgender is not psychosomatic..
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He doesn't seem to get that it's been 20+ years in the making.. I didn't even get online at home till I was about 16 and there's a massive bunch of stuff that was going through my head long before that.
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Hmm, maybe that's just me being slightly bitchy ?!?
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Anyway, due another patch tonight, it feels really good sometimes, but I'm not out of the woods yet. AFAICT it kind of only lasts 2 days but I only get to change it every 3/4 days, so it's a bit up and down.
I do think it's helping me not crave eating so much, I'm kind of cutting down, but it's kind of early days for that too, and there is a long way to go, but I should have something to show for it when I see the endocrinologist again in June.

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 2 17 7:21 AM. Edited 3 times.

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#27 [url]

May 8 17 5:13 AM

So I was going to post this a few days ago, but I keep clicking on the wrong thing and losing everything I've typed into the edit box, stupid forum software..

Nope, the YouTube embed thing isn't working right either.. so " target="_blank" rel="nofollow"> here's a working link, I hope..



Anyway I recently found out that one of the records I used to listen to as a kid has resurfaced

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I got it first as an ex public library LP, back in about 1990 I think.

Back then I was probably too young to be allowed to use the 'proper' HiFi with a turntable,

in case I broke the needle or something, and by the time I was old enough to have one of my

own, well we'd already moved on to CDs and things, and Vinyl wasn't going to become really

cool again for another decade or so, unless you were one of those really snooty 'audiophile'

types who claimed to be able to tell the difference, and went on and on about wow and flutter.



There's even a track specifically about Testosterone, among many other hormones

It's the reason men fight giants

Though experience would say we'd quit

You'd have thought that modern science

Would have found an antidote for it

But if they do, ooh ohh, then me and you, ooh, ooh

Would soon be the only two..




So listening to that was probably how I learned most of what I knew about the human body,

at least before I started secondary school and took GCSE Biology..

I got an A for it anyway, though admittedly I've not had much practical experience..



Well apart from also reading this one over and over

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I guess I took it a bit too literally as it didn't inspire me to become a doctor or anything sensible like that,

No, I just wanted to know how to make the robots..



Hmm, so apparently it goes down something like this..

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Not that I would know anything about that kind of thing..

http://doctoralicebell.blogspot.co.uk/2010/08/mechicanical-metaphors-in-kids-body.html



Anyway so, now there are three tracks in a playlist over on YouTube,



and [link]https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/bodywork-national-youth-music-theatre-cast-recording/id539474818" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">

and [link]https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/bodywork-national-youth-music-theatre-cast-recording/id539474818
the rest available on iTunes, but not for free..



So now I can listen to it over and over again, again, even via Bluetooth from my iPhone in my car,

all without dragging out the old ion audio usb turntable and breaking in a needle..

The brain thinks on, Keeping things efficient

Tough and energetic, Adventurous and keen

Only the brain, Can never be supplented

All the other jobs, Can be done by machine


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He's also written this..



"THE VERY FIRST MUSIC, THE VERY LAST MUSIC"



Man got clever - his hand

Tired of working the land -

He learned how to make steam

And he started to dream

Of beam engines and schemes

Where he dammed all the streams,

Bent the world to his will.

And he built the first mill -

It belched smoke and power -

(Black dirt and white flour)

And his ambition grew every hour.



He picked up the world and he ground it to powder

And so the next music was grander and louder,

More capable, complex - less folksy and pretty

With less of the countryside, more of the city.

With more of the metal and less of the wood

Man thought the next music was pretty damn' good.



He dug the world's coal, and he set it on fire.

He drilled the world's oil and the fire burned higher.

He muddied the clouds and he crudded the ground

And he studded the sea with the blackened and drowned.



He fashioned the train, and created the car,

The tractor, the toaster, the home whirlpool spa,

And this genius, at last, in a final crescendo

Gave civilisation the Super Nintendo.



Now Mario's were super, and hedgehogs were sonic

And bleepers and bloopers sang songs electronic

Their drumkits went pish and their pixels went pip

For the very next music was sung by a chip.



Outside the sea blackened, and all nature died

But man didn't care - he was safely inside.

Day in and day out ev'ry day he would bend o

Ver Gameboy, Sega and the faithful Nintendo.

He spun, flew and kicked each street fighter to death.

(In the real street outside no-one dared take a breath)



But he never went out - it was not bright and clean

Like the primary colours he saw on his screen.

The black sky outside let in no glimpse of heaven -

So what? He was hot - he had got level seven!

Who cared that the air was all laden with grot?

The screen said "Mankind - you're a genius - not!"



And the birds tried to sing through the oil on their beaks

But oil, as is well known, is there to stop squeaks

And the very last music, Which nobody heard

Was the song of the very last bird.



© RICHARD STILGOE 1993




Hmm, and that was nearly 20 years before [link] we arrived at this point..

But who even remembers Sega and Nintendo nowadays, not when XBox Project Scopio is just over the horizon..



Argh, why does it have to keep screwing up everything I post, even when I've gone to the trouble of hand editing the source code and everything?

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