Mar 28 16 10:54 AM

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OK, been away for a while, but it's time for another post maybe..

After a long 2 1/4 year wait I had a first pre-assessment appointment at the GIC last Tuesday. 
Which was interesting,.. I mean, I'm not sure what kind of impression I made but I was completely honest about where I stood, and probably a bit overly revealing for a first encounter. I don't know, I'm just kind of stressed out all the time now, so any opportunity to vent is a chance I won't pass up.

She did actually ask me if I'd ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder, I'm not quite sure what she was implying.. image

Here are a few videos that capture the mood. I kind of feel like the world is collapsing around me and all I can do is just try to keep my head together and not let it bother me as there is really nothing I can do about it.

It all started so well, but then it got a little bit out of hand

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that..

So maybe it's just time to pack up and leave..





Cos if I really just let it all go I'm a bit afraid of what I might unleash on the world..

The show must go on..

After all, who cares about the price tag?


Last Edited By: Xora Mar 28 16 11:41 AM. Edited 4 times

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#2 [url]

Mar 28 16 7:54 PM

Xora. The post rocked. You threw in "Pricetag" so, that's PROPER! :) The way I think about my "relationship" with professional Medicine? I told my Doc, Yo Shemale, Trans here. He said tell your Therapist I want notes. Tell the the folks at the GIC, you've BEEN diagnosed. Let's get that one straight first shall we! :)

Off to some Xbox !


My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose. J.B.S. Haldane

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#3 [url]

Mar 30 16 4:35 AM

Well it was quite fun, she was filling out a form and one of the questions was about religion. 

I said something like, "Well that's a bit chicken and egg, because it was people like me who created all the religions, but I'm working on it..".  I'm not sure how that went down. ;-)

I dunno, I might not be a follower of Jesus exactly, but if they must follow someone then I'd sooner people all agreed to follow a single abstract entity, than worship at the altar of Microsoft etc. 

Bill Gates, probably being one of us, could have had just as much impact on the world without creating an organisation that just continually expands till it sucks all the life and energy out of everyone else.

I dunno, this stuff must be subconscious programming, coz all the same ideas keep repeating and repeating in different forms. 

Jesus, Chi Rho
Xerox Parc
Microsoft, Codename Cairo, Windows XP etc. 

Then Apple goes even further and takes us back to the Pagan symbolism. 

Infinite Loop, and their enormous new HQ is just a very scaled up version of Stonehenge. 
Don't even get me started on GCHQ and the Pentagon. 
At least Jesus/XP represents a middle way, a balance between the two opposing forces, a continuity of the human lifecycle, not an outright elimination of one side or the other. 

I'd much rather live in a world rules by the LOGOS, the word, not the corporate logos and brands. 

Call it GOD, call it a complete understanding of basic human mental processes, whatever, just stop polluting the physical and mental environment with so much extraneous noise that life becomes almost intolerable.


Last Edited By: Xora Mar 30 16 10:19 AM. Edited 2 times.

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#5 [url]

Apr 1 16 1:50 PM

Love this link, seems to be about what happened

We reached the point where people become so much more obsessed with getting the best education, having the best careers, making the most money, having the biggest houses etc. that they completely forget that the whole point of the exercise was to have children and look after them properly.
So we leave it too long, and use so many chemicals etc. that the children all start coming out deformed / disabled or queer, and then we look around for someone else to blame.

Look, I'm not anti-USA, bits of it are great, full of amazing people doing amazing things, but you know, your wealth disparity situation is pretty shocking, billionaire CEOs next to human billboards etc. So it would be a shame if you just let it all fall to bits after such a relatively short period of time.


I doubt that these guys had any idea of what it might turn into.

imageFounding Fathers
See Biography.com's collection of America's Founding Fathers, including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and George Washington.

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 1 16 2:23 PM. Edited 2 times.

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#6 [url]

Apr 8 16 2:25 AM

See, I can never work out whether I am the good guy or the bad girl in all this, there's the difference between what acting with my instincts feels like to me, and what it looks like to other people. 

Take The Lion King, one of the first CDs I ever got was the soundtrack, and I went to see the West End version for my 18th birthday.

You start out in life relatively at peace in the world, but somehow growing up, things just don't seem to work out the way you feel they should.

So you think you can make it better, you think you have all the answers

But when you do get yourself a bit of power, well it does rather go to your head

Till something happens and you begin to realise that you have monumentally screwed up, and not followed your true purpose

When all you ever really wanted was to be seen as you felt you were

So erm, which way is up, which way is down? I still can't seem to figure it out..

I'm just going through the usual female developmental stages, just a bit slower than most cis-girls, but other people seem to see me either as a psychopath, or a 'tranny', and I'm not sure why, or why I can't explain myself correctly..

Oh, life just really sucks..
Why did 'god' have to create this 'good' and 'evil' dichotomy? Why can't we just all do good?
I think I'm doing good? Aren't I?

Well, whatever, you can't take the sky from me..

Oh, and my sister sent me this, which is kind of like my addressing Google as a substitute God figure

I can just about imagine someone sashaying through the cube farms at some big software house singing this. ;-)

Just a spoon full of sugar..

Show me NOW

(Hmm, I think I like that this forum software lets you embed these youtube vids directly. )

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 8 16 8:53 AM. Edited 5 times.

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#8 [url]

Apr 8 16 3:37 PM

Elton John, being gay and something of a drag queen is like us, or at least close to being like us, so he probably has this sort of subconscious imprint of the circle of life going on inside him as well, which is how he is able to reinterpret it into musical form in a way that resonates with everyone else. 
Kinda makes me wish I'd got more into music instead of technology, seems like if you are a real singer/songwriter/composer like that you can make a lot more money a lot more easily. Apparently he composed a lot of the Lion King tunes virtually off the cuff, in a few sessions with the producers, he wasn't slaving over manuscript paper for months or anything like that. He then was able to release a few charting singles from the soundtrack album and will be getting 'residuals' from the DVD sales etc practically in perpetuity. Once you get onto 'the other side' of the equation like that, seems like the world is your oyster, as you get to help write the 'programming' of all the people coming up behind you, which is big business for the likes of Disney. 

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#9 [url]

Apr 8 16 11:03 PM

Gosh, Elton John... When I was younger and still trying to be a genuine man, that is, more than just as a useless mask to hide behind, I was sort of troubled by the realization that I was a bit similar to Elton John, both in looks and personality. This was compounded by the fact that I've never been a fan of his music (or his fashion sense, for that matter). Nowadays, I just accept I'm a witless faggot with no sense of humour and love myself.

Like the other day, I had this idea I needed new plants in my window, got out and returned with a pair of orchids. Now, only a faggot or a woman would put orchids in the kitchen window. I realized this and smiled at myself.

Last Edited By: Monique Apr 8 16 11:18 PM. Edited 5 times.

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#11 [url]

Apr 18 16 6:19 AM

Is it better to give the kids exactly what they think they want?

Or what you think is good for them?

Or some kind of compromise in between?

What kind of world do you want to live in anyway?

I mean I know Jesus is supposed to have said "The poor will always be with us", but I'm not sure I agree with it. 
Seems like lots of people have a hand in making other people poor, and keeping other people poor so they can exploit them. 
Is that strictly necessary, or is it just nice to keep a bunch of desperate people around for cheap labour?
I'm not saying we should all live in 5 star hotels, but I don't see why some people have to make other people suffer just to survive and just so they can lord it over them. I seem to be in rather a minority on that though, most men that I talk to seem to think that if you can find a way to squeeze more money out of other people, and it isn't outright illegal already, then you shouldn't be ethically concerned about doing it, as they are just poor suckers if they fall for it. Nevermind that other people don't necessarily think the same way, nor have the same amount of intelligence, life experience or perspective, and so have innate biological disadvantages which it seems really unfair to exploit.

Well I mean, duh, in a lot of ways I'm still at a biological disadvantage compared to most older men, and they probably find it easy to manipulate me. But no, I don't think I'll be voting either liberal or conservative for the forseable future, becasue as far as I can tell they are pretty much all a bunch of crooks. But maybe by the time I am 50+ I'll see it a different way, as I'll be the one on top of the 'stack' as it were, and all the people younger than me will then think that I'm a crook who won't let them have what they really want, right now.

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 18 16 11:53 AM. Edited 3 times.

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#12 [url]

Apr 20 16 2:16 AM

I saw this stuff yesterday and it ticked me off a bit.

Hmm, those entitled over-educated millennials sure can be a problem, can't they?

You know, if you're gonna treat people like that, and they already know it, don't you think that might just be why they develop sour attitudes towards you? Maybe they are just biding their time until the tables are turned and they get to play the boss man!

Well hopefully I'm of a slightly older generation, so I've got just a bit of sense left in my head, though sometimes I wonder.

The Asperger's engineer, no social skills because we spent all our school years trying to escape being beaten up.
Marry the first girl we date because well, we don't exactly find it easy to get laid at all.
Can't make eye contact, well you know, maybe we are actually hiding something, what with that secret identity business going on.
Educational background is a mess, yeah, cos although the universities were originally built by INTPs,
now it's just all about getting those overinflated titles, which we can see through and aren't really bothered
with, see previous slide.
Work like machines, don't engage in politics, don't develop attitudes and never change jobs.
Well sort of, I mean to begin with we feel lucky to have got jobs at all, what with being perverts and all,
then we invest so much in our 'products' that we don't want to let them out of our sight, and don't feel like
other people will be able to take care of them nearly as well as we can. 
Don't engage in politics, at least not externally, but maybe we have some slight alterior motives that we don't let on about.

He didn't mention the part where we go a bit crazy when we hit 30, and either try to take over the business/world and rewrite
everything, or turn into a paranoid/schizophrenic conspiracy theorist, or just go into a bit of a sulk for some unknown reason
and stop producing the goods. Mid-life autistic burnout and all that. Or maybe we just say, sod it, I'd rather just be a housewife anyway..

Oh, and the trouble with being a literal embodiment of the holy grail, well we might be geniuses, but we're supposed to be creating new civilisations or religions, or a least new businesses, and not just whizzy technological artifacts for someone else, which may just have a tendancy of getting totally out of hand.

Oh and alterior motives? Did you know that stuff like this actually exists? Hmm, now where do you suppose those people came from?

Do you think those native americans may have picked up some of the genes from those 10foot+ mound building giants,
and passed them on to their children? 
What happens when those genes occur in an individual in slightly more concentrated form?



Still, if he actually is a God in human form then maybe..

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 20 16 3:24 AM. Edited 2 times.

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#13 [url]

Apr 20 16 7:20 AM

I mean I know Jesus is supposed to have said "The poor will always be with us", but I'm not sure I agree with it. 
Seems like lots of people have a hand in making other people poor, and keeping other people poor so they can exploit them. 
Is that strictly necessary, or is it just nice to keep a bunch of desperate people around for cheap labour?

We have all the technology and the competences needed to make a fair and prosperous society where no one are left behind. Really! But the system that created these riches is a capitalist one, based on the idea that we all compete to suceed and that only the worthy ones deserve to be rich. Or so they say. Being Norwegian and all, I have seen that it is actually possible to use the engine of capitalist competition to drive a welfare society. These needn't be opposite positions, but it seems to me that the American discourse has been so polarized that it is hard to get that message across.

As for what Jesus meant: I guess his point was that there will always be suffering and that there will always be some kinds of inequality, and that you cannot engineer your way out of spiritual poverty. But he was also the one who asked the rich man to give everything he had to the poor. 

As for your comment on the pessimistic view of the millenials. 

Here's Plato's take on this issue:
"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for
authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place
of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their
households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They
contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties
at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

My meeting with the millenials and generation z is that they are extremely well mannered, hard working and kind. If I am worried about anything, it is that they could be a little bit more rebellious. Heck, they even like the music of their parents!!! What is that about?

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#15 [url]

Apr 23 16 3:08 AM

Well I guess I can't escape being morally compromised whatever I do. I personally don't want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want to live in a place where everyone else is so obsessed with not hurting anyone and constantly virtue signallying to the extent that they can't get anything done and will deny physical reality to score political points off each other. So in that sense I might be considered right wing I suppose. 

Except the transsexualism business, which means that to other right wing people I am the one who wants to deny physical reality in terms of chromosomes and genitals and I wish to belong to a socially marginalised group that is legally protected from abuse. which to them is being left wing and playing the victim card.
But I don't want to belong to a socially marginalised group that I want to have to advocate for, I just want a chance to grow up and have a normal life, taking into account the biology and personality and desires that I was born with, which are not in accordance with my chromosomes and genitals, but which are in accordance with the physical structure of my brain, which is the physical souce of that personality and those desires, and yes even 'needs', such that I cannot live a fully functional life if I am expected to perform a male role, I can't change how my brain processes information, and I can't learn body language, and I can't adopt a more dominant emotional stance because I just don't experience those emotions. I believe in science, and I believe that in this case the science of personality/psychology trumps the science of chromosomes, but I don't expect to convince other more right wing people of that, despite my agreeing with them on a lot of other issues.

This was my schools hymn, which we had to sing on 'Founder's Day' every year. (Well we sang it to a different tune, but the lyrics were the same.)

Most of that I agree with, except it seems to have broken down rather in the baby boomer generation.
"They reap not where they laboured, we reap what they have sown.." Well yes, except they didn't labour what their parents reaped so much that they have left us with trillions in national debts, which we have to labour on in order not to pass on an even worse situation to our children, should we choose to have them at all.

Look, grace and mercy is all fine as it is, but it doesn't really pay the bills or put food on the table..
So erm, I just want a strong boyfriend who will look after me, and go beat up the other guys so I can have nice things,
and if he want's to 'bang' me whenever he wants as a reward, well I'm all too willing to let that happen, coz trust me,
I think I'll be getting the better half of the deal.

Last Edited By: Xora Apr 23 16 3:55 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#16 [url]

Dec 24 16 4:35 PM

Hmm, some news I guess. 
After 7 sessions at the GIC, spaced out over several months, well from March to December, I've finally got a letter telling me that I will be accepted onto the 'care pathway' next year. (Well just so long as it's not like the infamous 'Liverpool Care Pathway', I guess I'm OK with it, we all know how well that often turned out for people...)

Again, a lot of seems like an exercise in futility talking to these people, they really don't seem to get where I'm coming from at all. 

I say, 'I'd really like to start on HRT', they say 'Well we'd want you to socially transition first', I say 'well how do I know whether it's worth transitioning until I get on HRT', they say 'Well we don't give people HRT until we know they are serious', I say 'Well I'm obviously serious or I wouldn't have waited so long to talk to anyone, no one just jumps into this kind of thing lightly'. You obviously don't just spend 20+ years swinging back and forth in your head unless there is something going on. 
But I guess I don't really have much physically to show for those 20 years of pondering, I didn't want to say anything until I was sure, and I didn't want to shock and/or disappoint my family, but I'm not sure how else to 'prove my case' one way or another. 

I want to 'feel it' first, before I decide what I want to do about what I look like, but they seem to be of the opinion that they only reason someone would opt for HRT is to change what they look like, and any psychological effect is just a side effect. 
To me the internal psychological/neurological side IS the reason for doing it at all, and the physical side is the side effect, something you have to deal with, but only over a much longer period of time, whereas the psychological/emotional bit seems more or less instantaneous, so you'd know exactly where you stand before you 'start showing' or whatever, and long before you would have to change your name and so forth. 

I try to get them to read some of the papers and references I dug up, but I'm not sure I got anywhere that way, and I just got accused of talking very abstractly and not answering the questions directly. 

I don't know, I was always taught that it was 'rude' to be that crude and sexually explicit, and when I did take that approach it didn't seem to go down very well either, because it makes you look crazy. I'm really not sure what they were expecting to see and judging by the letter I don't seem to have come across very well. 

I sort of go into these situations with the approach that they should be lucky to meet me, because I'm actually the only one with all the answers to their problems, but it really seems to rub people up the wrong way. 

Why is it always so impossibly hard to get what you want out of people? I know it looks bad if I drag my mum along, perhaps because I'm still a bit less than honest when she is around, but it's really difficult when you've spent so long hiding huge chunks of your internal life from other people to suddenly dump it on anyone.

To me it seems like they are making the process unnecessarily long and complicated, to them I guess I seem to be being unnecessarily hard to deal with, but their frame of reference and my frame of reference just seem impossible to bridge, and I can't seem to dive right into any detail without coming across 'autistic'. 
I really just wanted to be honest and not 'play the game with the gatekeepers', for their sake as much as mine, but it seems like they really expect to be played in order to tick all the boxes and fill out the precious forms. 

To me it seems that if they just took the time to understand the science like I have, they wouldn't need to have such a long assessment process and so many forms to fill in. Which would surely make it faster and cheaper for everyone concerned, and then they could just move to a more 'informed consent' kind of paradigm and they wouldn't have such excessive waiting lists, and such a process that seems to be costing them a fortune. 

It's it all just settled science now? All that remains is the social stigma side, which isn't something that the medical profession really needs to overly concern itself with. 

Anyway, I guess with any luck I finally get a prescription sometime in the first half of next year, provided that they don't somehow think I'm too heavy/unhealthy/unstable to go ahead, after more or less putting my whole life on hold for the first half of my thirties while I waited. It hardly seems worth it right now, but hopefully it will be in the end. 

I do feel like I've not done anything but tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, my a lot of my 'whole truth' seemed to go way over their heads or something.

It's all such a mess. 

Last Edited By: Xora Jan 2 17 9:36 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#17 [url]

Dec 25 16 9:53 AM

This is an issue where I believe the American mixed system of both public and private care is vastly superior. If you don't like the philosophy of your therapist (and there are many who seem to be stuck in a time warp), you just find one that will work with you. Of course, you will probably have to pay for that out of pocket, but at least you don't have to fit perfectly into a box.

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#18 [url]

Mar 2 17 8:58 AM

So it's now just slightly less than a week till my first HRT appointment, so I guess that's progress. I don't know if anything will happen straight away, they kind of want to check if you are healthy enough and so forth before they let you do anything. (The fact that I might well be much healthier if I did something, or if I had been able to do something half a lifetime ago when I first wanted to, doesn't seem to have much influencing power of their decision making process). 
So in the run-up to that I've had further blood tests, like the ones I had in 2009, and early 2014, and mid 2016 I guess, only now they think I'm vitamin D deficient for some reason, so they gave me a prescription for that. The also want to test me for celiac, which is odd. 

Anyhow I just spotted this:  http://alectraplaygrounds.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/growing-up-its-my-birthday.html?zx=40b9bcf189254fd6

So 28 years, already, whoa, what it feels to be growing older by the day, changing a little by the minute, dying a bit by the second. Feeling none the wiser but reckless even, growing bolder, becoming more cunning and just learning to survive in the big ol' city. A pessimistic introduction, but Paul hadn't it all handed to him. He had to work for it. He couldn't stop one hour to think about, and weeks started to get pass behind him.

Faster than ever time was growing faster, months catching up. Death could be around the corner, but nonetheless life has to be lived, otherwise you'll become a husk. A memory of your own sorrow. 28 years of hiding things to his family, to his friends, and to himself. It was time to come out and show the world who he was. There would be no more excuses, no more hiding in a closet what he wanted to express. No more excuses, no more buts, no more emtpy thoughts. Just become what he wanted to be. What she wanted him to be. Such an important part of himself hiding, but in the open. Tearing up his mind, controlling him. 

Telling him what to do, what to say, how to say it. She appeared one day, out of the blue, as a figment of his imagination. It was dangerous to let her take control, but it was fun, it was nice, it was right. He felt himself doing the right thing. Not a care in the world, nothing to worry about. It was intoxicating, he was losing himself. And then from that other figment of thought came the other.

A carefree girl, not very bright, but mannipulative on her own. Always getting what she wanted. Making ditzy comments, pouring frisky thoughts and riding on the back, sometimes on the front. She didn't care, she just did it for the fun of getting the other half pissed. It was her little game, but she enjoyed it. She fought for control one day and then they couldn't stop.

And there I was in the backseat, watching the battle of wills, an unending battle of corrupted thoughts and nice intentions but with evil sugarcoated thoughts. It felt strange and then it felt right

Sometimes the domme, sometimes the sub, sometimes me, and then not me but her. Crossing our paths, and she was getting more and more control. She was expressing herself through my actions. We were synched, we were one and the same. She complained, she moaned, ouh did she moaned but the other bitched about it.

Soon enough the closet was getting bigger and bigger full pretty dresses, coated with corruption, with evil wicked thoughts, pushing him to be more adventurous. She didn't want to be sometimes her, sometimes me, sometimes the other. She wanted to be her, to be me, and be herself.

And then one day, he looked at the mirror and he didn't find one place of him on the surface. There she was, with her racy eyes, her glossy lips and slutty mascara. A violet pink hair to complete her face. A mix of the two and none of him.

Following to the bathroom, full disrobed none of him but plenty of her. Long svelte legs, feminine curves and hourglass figure. Manicured hands and dainty fingers. A pretty fragile figure of a really powerful woman. A corny smile on her lips and a seductive tone on her voice. Enthralling eyes and glamorous tone. A giggle there and a giggle here and all would fall for her.

A full armchair dresser to be what she wanted to be. Striking a pose, rocking her outfit. And there she was and I was none. Soon enough a figment of her imagination. In bondage. Tormented, but allowed to feel, allowed to see, and allowed to be. But not to speak or think. Her thoughts were mine, and none of me was her, but I was all her. And I felt happy.

She was born into the world.


OK, I'm not gonna be fitting into anything like that anything soon, but it kind of does encapsulate the various mental processes I've had quite well, if not quite what I've physically done with it, at least not yet, at least outside of virtual worlds and so forth.

Which is the me? Is it the boring geek, is it slutty evil bitch, or is there a nice girl-next-door type with a slightly frisky inner core to balance it out?

And maybe I first roughly hit that point at 28, but now I'm 34 and I'm still stuck in limbo..

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#19 [url]

Mar 2 17 9:18 AM

Xora wrote:

Which is the me? Is it the boring geek, is it slutty evil bitch, or is there a nice girl-next-door type with a slightly frisky inner core to balance it out?

And maybe I first roughly hit that point at 28, but now I'm 34 and I'm still stuck in limbo..

Maybe it's all of these characters, but sometimes one seems to show up in different situations.  (One of my late transitioning MTF "true trans," as she calls herself, has been on hormones for about 2 years.  The "old" self seems to come back to the driver's seat A LOT. )

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#20 [url]

Mar 9 17 9:03 AM

Well I finally got a prescription on Wednesday, starting off slowly on Novartis Estrodot 25mg patches or something.

The Dr who wrote it out said, 'Now you might have some trouble getting hold of these, but just tell the pharmacist that they can contact Novartis directly and tell them I sent you', or words to that effect.

Only when I got to the pharmacist it's more like, 'No, we just can't get you those, They're not even being made any more, and they're blocked from ordering through all our suppliers, Why don't you get the prescription amended to use a different brand and come back again another day'.,

Scream... Do you know how many years it took me to get as far as getting that prescription ?!?


I hate you people, why are you all so damn stupid!

So I dunno, did I just get allocated a duff endocrinologist, or did I go to the wrong pharmacy, or what?

What the fuck do I look like anyway, carrying around a prescription for a product that's really designed for post-menopausal women??

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