Hmm, some news I guess.
After 7 sessions at the GIC, spaced out over several months, well from March to December, I've finally got a letter telling me that I will be accepted onto the 'care pathway' next year. (Well just so long as it's not like the infamous 'Liverpool Care Pathway', I guess I'm OK with it, we all know how well that often turned out for people...)
Again, a lot of seems like an exercise in futility talking to these people, they really don't seem to get where I'm coming from at all.
I say, 'I'd really like to start on HRT', they say 'Well we'd want you to socially transition first', I say 'well how do I know whether it's worth transitioning until I get on HRT', they say 'Well we don't give people HRT until we know they are serious', I say 'Well I'm obviously serious or I wouldn't have waited so long to talk to anyone, no one just jumps into this kind of thing lightly'. You obviously don't just spend 20+ years swinging back and forth in your head unless there is something going on.
But I guess I don't really have much physically to show for those 20 years of pondering, I didn't want to say anything until I was sure, and I didn't want to shock and/or disappoint my family, but I'm not sure how else to 'prove my case' one way or another.
I want to 'feel it' first, before I decide what I want to do about what I look like, but they seem to be of the opinion that they only reason someone would opt for HRT is to change what they look like, and any psychological effect is just a side effect.
To me the internal psychological/neurological side IS the reason for doing it at all, and the physical side is the side effect, something you have to deal with, but only over a much longer period of time, whereas the psychological/emotional bit seems more or less instantaneous, so you'd know exactly where you stand before you 'start showing' or whatever, and long before you would have to change your name and so forth.
I try to get them to read some of the papers and references I dug up, but I'm not sure I got anywhere that way, and I just got accused of talking very abstractly and not answering the questions directly.
I don't know, I was always taught that it was 'rude' to be that crude and sexually explicit, and when I did take that approach it didn't seem to go down very well either, because it makes you look crazy. I'm really not sure what they were expecting to see and judging by the letter I don't seem to have come across very well.
I sort of go into these situations with the approach that they should be lucky to meet me, because I'm actually the only one with all the answers to their problems, but it really seems to rub people up the wrong way.
Why is it always so impossibly hard to get what you want out of people? I know it looks bad if I drag my mum along, perhaps because I'm still a bit less than honest when she is around, but it's really difficult when you've spent so long hiding huge chunks of your internal life from other people to suddenly dump it on anyone.
To me it seems like they are making the process unnecessarily long and complicated, to them I guess I seem to be being unnecessarily hard to deal with, but their frame of reference and my frame of reference just seem impossible to bridge, and I can't seem to dive right into any detail without coming across 'autistic'.
I really just wanted to be honest and not 'play the game with the gatekeepers', for their sake as much as mine, but it seems like they really expect to be played in order to tick all the boxes and fill out the precious forms.
To me it seems that if they just took the time to understand the science like I have, they wouldn't need to have such a long assessment process and so many forms to fill in. Which would surely make it faster and cheaper for everyone concerned, and then they could just move to a more 'informed consent' kind of paradigm and they wouldn't have such excessive waiting lists, and such a process that seems to be costing them a fortune.
It's it all just settled science now? All that remains is the social stigma side, which isn't something that the medical profession really needs to overly concern itself with.
Anyway, I guess with any luck I finally get a prescription sometime in the first half of next year, provided that they don't somehow think I'm too heavy/unhealthy/unstable to go ahead, after more or less putting my whole life on hold for the first half of my thirties while I waited. It hardly seems worth it right now, but hopefully it will be in the end.
I do feel like I've not done anything but tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, my a lot of my 'whole truth' seemed to go way over their heads or something.
It's all such a mess.