#21 [url]

Mar 19 16 4:53 PM

My Dear, 

First off. You are very pretty and you have a lovely smile. You rocked the hair too. I brought up the COGAITI for one reason. Usually, when one is asked questions, they begin asking questions. Then your off to the races. "Lost" pulled on her skeptical skirt (Something I imagined as a pencil skirt, mid thigh slit, right side. Creme brocade detail around the hem. I'm feminine like that, but it's always spelled FEMININE because it dominates my personality and my spirituality). Miss Skeptical Skirt is RIGHT to do so. My name's not "Bubba" Clinton, I cannot feel your pain. I know mine. I wouldn't wish that on ANYONE. You asked questions. You going to keep asking them. My sexuality? Well if you insist, I mean we're all girls here right? If say, I wanted a meatball sub? I always go to the same sandwich shop, just to flirt with the cute blond college guy behind the counter. I became sexually active at 15. By the end of that year I was Bisexual. Now I suppose the term in vogue is "pansexual". That floats my wife's boat. Nuff said. I am also an adult. I get privileges. Adult, Consent, Respect, Boundaries, SAFETY, GAME ON. That's sex for me. Never been confused about my sexuality. Your story is going to be unique. As unique as your lovely smile. I am not trying to tell you what is right. YOU get to DECIDE that. I just want you to know I am paying attention. Your question about a recent uptick in desiring realtions with men? OK. I get that. Right there with you. Sometimes I have the same thing, but it's not about sex, nor is it about infatuation. It requires a very particular kind of gentleman. Notice I did not say "guy" or "stud" or "daddy". I have a rockin' internet connection. I could have a "guy" here in an hour if I wanted too. Would my wife mind? Nope. But that is not what I am after. I need to have a specific experience. I need to know what it is like to have a boyfriend. Just like your feeling you need to get frisky with a man or men. It's OK. That's how you learn right? You ahve a realtionship with another person. She is OK with your desire to manifest yourself as a woman. That's what women do. Even the REAL ones! I can tell you truthfully, I will NEVER be one. I am sure science and some dedicated professionals could MAKE that happen for me. There is talk that they can even allow me to bear children if my physiology will accomodate that. Solid. I am good. Boobs? I HAVE to have them. I will. In my psychology, that's all I'm really gonna need and a hell of a lot of electrolysis and some hormones. The voice, the walk, the gestures, the clothes the makeup, the shoes. I'm there. I am an excellent mimic. Have to be. Girls set the bar pretty high. I do not wish to dissapoint them. I am playing in their backyard now. It's about respect. Your probably saying WTF am I talking about? I can't feel your pain. It's your experience. Again, if anything I said helps you slightly, YAY me! If not? Then at a minimum, I hope you weren't bored. 

You learn something. I think you'll lear this about yourself. That's why you asked. That's why your comrades here answer. They have varied opinions. They have an overaching point they agree on. There's nothing really wrong with you. It's a perfect example of being able to say it's everybody else. So you asked. That's what Humans do. We ask questions. We wear fabulous pencil skirts with brocade trim. We build Star Ships, and we wrap it all up in a gorgeous cape called happiness. For me, there is NO sexual component involved. I'm in category 4 on the COGAITI scale. Probable Transgender Human. This was not the "Hey Presto I'm a Girl" moment for me. It just confirmed my research. The charming Miss EmmaSweet can confirm if you wish, what kind of research I do. My problem is going to be finding a therapist that can earn my respect. I will not suffer a health care professional that just mails it in. I think I have found one. We shall see. My PCP recommended her. My PCP is awesome. He was born and raised in the Far East. He is a devout Christian. WHen I told him of my gender issue (hard to miss with the outfit and perfume I think! ;) ) he said nothing. I apologized for keeping it from him for 4 of the 5 years I have been seeing him. This is what makes him awesome in my book. He smiled and said. "It's WHO you ARE". Tell your therapist I want to see the notes. How's your arthritis doing?" Awesome. I have been a WARRIOR all my life. A Jaguar cannot change her spots. I am free now to contemplate a future were I can do what I want. My third age. In my second age I was exceptional at warfare with my fellow man. What do I do now? Apply those skills to killing hate. I feel sorry for hate (NOT!) :)

I'm RTB Peeps! May the Solstice bring you Good Fortune, Good Health, and the fortitude to fight a good fight! If you should falter and fall, there will be a hand to help you up. If you should fall giving your final measure, there will be a hand to see you safely into the arms of your ancestors. I have know this hand and have seen it's passing. It is the Mysterious Hand of the Divine Goddess. It is mighty and just and swift. It is my shield. I know My Lady loves me. When the sky grows dark and clear, all I need to do is look up. Her smile is magnificent.

My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose. J.B.S. Haldane

Last Edited By: VeronicaBeta Mar 19 16 8:04 PM. Edited 3 times.

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#22 [url]

Mar 21 16 3:22 PM

Ah Veronica, that was fantastic, thank you! I completely understand the "gentleman" thing. I have had my share of "guys", and although back then I didn't understand who I was, now, outside of the crazy sex scenes my mind throws at me, I know that if I brought any of it to reality I'd much rather be intrigued, or courted, than simply assaulted. It doesn't all make sense yet, but it makes more sense now than it ever did. I flirt with a guy at the grocery shop as well, although, like little kids do, he probably doesn't know it. I probably need a therapist. But as you say there is my deciding in there. I am who I am... not my fault, and it took me this long to begin figuring it out, also probably not my fault. Hell, not entirely. But what I do with it is still entirely up to me, and no amount of self-knowledge, or questions, or silly tests, or therapists will answer that for me. I know the Mysterious Hand very well. I went through things in life that almost tore me apart at the time... almost. But those are the things that brought me here. They grew a meaning with time and, whatever happens tomorrow, I can be but grateful for how far I have got, and for the friends I have made on the way. Thank you for listening.

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#23 [url]

Mar 21 16 10:14 PM

Francesca :) (Truth? - "Francesca" is one of my ALL TIME favorite girls names!, I thought about it. Veronica just worked better for me. :) )

Sometimes I think we spend so much time trying to make every one else happy we forget about ourselves. Or even worse those out there that only wan't to see us happy and they can't figure out where all the rage and crazy is coming from with us. We never know unless we try. And we always skin our knees and break a nail doing that trying thing. But I'm glad your with us and I am glad to be here. Broken nails and skinned knees mean, SHOPPING! :) Just another thing I never "allowed" myself to enjoy. I so ENJOY it now! :)

My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose. J.B.S. Haldane

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#24 [url]

Mar 22 16 1:42 PM

Francesca said "But what I do with it is still entirely up to me, and no amount of self-knowledge, or questions, or silly tests, or therapists will answer that for me. I know the Mysterious Hand very well. I went through things in life that almost tore me apart at the time... almost. But those are the things that brought me here. They grew a meaning with time and, whatever happens tomorrow, I can be but grateful for how far I have got, and for the friends I have made on the way."

I really enjoyed reading that and find it quite inspiring. Thanks! With an attitude like this, I think we can have a happy and peaceful life, and accomplish so much we may never have even dreamed of.

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#25 [url]

Mar 31 16 6:47 AM

I want to return for initial point of this topic,
Last two nights, i probably felt same, what about Francesca say here with very strong intensity. It was insane mix of painful pleasure, desire and mental pain. Very strong, bizzar and complicated mix of sexual desire to be woman for man, feel of loneliness, desire to be huged and protected by man, kiss him. Yesterday, when i visited shop, it was other trigger. I saw very beauty man-cassier. It was big temptation to start flirt with him. Japanese cassier usually when give you odd money and receipt, put it in your hands and for shot time keep your hands, When he touched, it was to pleasant, I go out, but then return and just bought coffee for repeat that again...
Now i think about this feelins. It is just desires of lonely woman, or feelings of person who attractive to man and feel lack of that expirience or it is more complicted and part of gender disphoria. I don;t know....
And sexual component of that... impossible to decrease by masturbation...it give only emptiness and not release desire.

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#26 [url]

Mar 31 16 10:56 AM

Hello Eva ! :)
Well, you saw a person that is cute. You are cute. You did something cute. Then you did it again! :) Flirting? You don't have to stop there. Be something even better. Be yourself and talk to them and be charming. When you write to me Dear, and you do, and thanks for that, you are charming. That's not flirting. That's you. Talk to them like you write to me. We grew up in different times, in REALLY different places, and writing to you is like talking to my lovely Ladies that live across the way. I know all about loneliness and longing. There is a lot of discussion about "cross dreaming" on this site, yes? You went out and had a happy experience? That's how happiness shows you where YOU can find yours. The sexual component? You said it yourself Dear. The thing with Gender Dysphoria. It doesn't have to be about sex right? We learn in little steps. You shared some of the little ones you took. So I will share a step I'm taking with you. I am going out this Saturday, ALL DAY. 100% Feminine. Gonna grab some coffee and WiFi and people watch. Taking my camera and tripod and maybe take some pics. I am going to have lunch with a gentleman. I am going shopping. I am bringing a change of clothes as a party or clubbing might be involved. Going to ride the light rail trains. I am going to be confident and poised and relax and enjoy. I am going to go and do happy things because who I am is already a great place to start. Me being happy just makes the World around me a better place for everyone. And if the World doesn't like my happy ass? They can kiss it! For the enlightened Souls I do meet? Pleasure to make your acquaintance! :) Be happy Eva, we'll make the planet better one fabulous person at a time! :)

My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose. J.B.S. Haldane

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#27 [url]

Mar 31 16 1:29 PM

VeronicaBeta wrote:
Hello Eva ! :)
Well, you saw a person that is cute. You are cute. You did something cute. Then you did it again! :) Flirting? You don't have to stop there. Be something even better. Be yourself and talk to them and be charming. When you write to me Dear, and you do, and thanks for that, you are charming. That's not flirting. That's you. Talk to them like you write to me. We grew up in different times, in REALLY different places, and writing to you is like talking to my lovely Ladies that live across the way. I know all about loneliness and longing. There is a lot of discussion about "cross dreaming" on this site, yes? You went out and had a happy experience? That's how happiness shows you where YOU can find yours. The sexual component? You said it yourself Dear. The thing with Gender Dysphoria. It doesn't have to be about sex right? We learn in little steps. You shared some of the little ones you took. So I will share a step I'm taking with you. I am going out this Saturday, ALL DAY. 100% Feminine. Gonna grab some coffee and WiFi and people watch. Taking my camera and tripod and maybe take some pics. I am going to have lunch with a gentleman. I am going shopping. I am bringing a change of clothes as a party or clubbing might be involved. Going to ride the light rail trains. I am going to be confident and poised and relax and enjoy. I am going to go and do happy things because who I am is already a great place to start. Me being happy just makes the World around me a better place for everyone. And if the World doesn't like my happy ass? They can kiss it! For the enlightened Souls I do meet? Pleasure to make your acquaintance! :) Be happy Eva, we'll make the planet better one fabulous person at a time! :)

You rock, you know that, VeroniRocka!  

I will be thinking of you this weekend, fond thoughts, sending you all the best vibes and wishes I can.

Emma

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#29 [url]

Apr 2 16 6:58 AM

Ohh, Veronica, i just repeat for Emma, you really rock!
I image in detail your day. It is awesome!:) And have a lot of sence for me. Because i have plan, make 100% in Eva mode and look in Tokyo. I really want that expirience.
Veronica, thanks for your post. When i'm in a lot of mentaliing and difficult thoughts, you just go and brake all difficult construcions, and just say "don;t mind, be happy, be ypursels, you can" Veronica i'm adore you:)))

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#30 [url]

May 2 16 10:40 AM

VeronicaBeta wrote:
Sometimes I think we spend so much time trying to make every one else happy we forget about ourselves. [...]

Actually, it's interesting, but this can be one of the symptoms of clinical gender dysphoria. It is related to another mental issue which is known as (interpersonal) rejection sensitivity syndrome — one of the many possible symptoms of atypical depression, which has high comorbidity with gender dysphoria.

Now in plain English :-)

Gender dysphoria is almost always diagnosed with (at least) depression and anxiety — where the anxiety is often being expressed as 'irritation' (i.e. being easily angered by circumstances, by what others tell us, and so forth). 'Depression' is actually a family of mental disturbances — at least five major types, but I believe they have recently added a few more — of which the most well-known is the so-called melancholic depression. Laypersons will often equate 'feeling sad' with a melancholic state, and it's true that individuals suffering from melancholic depression will often feel sad (or, rather, they will lack the ability to feel pleasure and interest in anything), and, exactly because they cannot derive any pleasure from anything, they will often become apathetic, unwilling to leave their homes (or even beds!), refusing to do even the simplest things (like taking a bath every day), and so forth — everything is for them incredibly painful and difficult to do, requiring an overwhelming effort.

However, although melancholic depression is the most common case, and the one that is more easily diagnosed both by doctors and even laypersons, it's by no means the only alternative. Unfortunately (for gender dysphoric persons, that is), there is a different type that is also very common among us, known as atypical depression. As its name implies, the atypical depression has atypical symptoms — and that means it's usually very hard to diagnose, both by the person itself, but also by friends and family dealing with them on a daily basis, and often eluding the perception of many doctors as well.

In melancholic depression, the brain lacks enough serotonin to feel pleasure in any activity, or, even if the levels of serotonin are high enough, it gets flushed too quickly out of the brain for it to have any effect. Early 'happy drugs' to treat depression would increase the level of serotonin, in the hope that it would also affect the brain positively that way. Today, if doctors suspect that the serotonin cycle is working well, just being flushed out of the brain too soon, it's better to tweak the 'flushing' mechanism so that the brain still has time to react to the serotonin. This works rather well, and there are a lot of complex chemicals that can be synthesized to command the 'gates' inside the nervous system that regulate the 'flushing' mechanism. Those medicines will allow serotonin to pass into the brain, but make it very hard to escape the brain again. That's why most depression treatments will work reasonably well.

In atypical depression, things are a bit weirder. The serotonin cycle works well for just one single activity, but is not functional for any other. What this means is that the individual will constantly seek the only activity that provides them some pleasure, while avoiding all other activities (just like melancholic depression). The activity can be 'anything' really — from loving to eat food, to doing sports (or watching them), to reading books/watching TV/playing computer games, to having sex... which will make the diagnosis harder, since it will make the depressed person seemingly avoid all activities (including work, or taking care of their families) just to engage in the single activity that gives them pleasure. So they will be seen as lazy and superficial, since all they do is having fun with that particular activity, and refusing to do anything else. While doing that activity they are of course very happy, energetic, even euphoric — so they are not seen as being 'depressed' at all. Not surprisingly, the diagnosis might really take a long time to be observed (it might happen when someone is kicked out of their job because they're always absent or becoming incompetent), and, once it is diagnosed, most people will not really believe in the diagnosis (often not even the one suffering from it!), because it's a 'mental disease' so different from what people have experienced or read about. Atypical depression, even though reacting well to similar medication than other kinds of medication, as well as being treatable with similar therapies, tend to be way harder to 'cure' than the more common melancholic depression.

For a crossdreamer with gender dysphoria and atypical depression, this means obsessively focusing on the crossdreaming activity (whatever it might be) and pretty much forget the rest. If they crossdress, this means crossdressing as much as possible (because not being crossdressed will not trigger the serotonin mechanisms) in order to feel a bit of 'happiness' again — because everything else is just incredibly boring and uninteresting and even worthless. For my wife, this was quite strange, since I truly focus all my time and energy in crossdressing, and, when doing so, I'm quite willing to spend endless hours in 'dressing up', be with friends, go out to all kinds of places, and so forth — and in the occasions when I'm not crossdressed, at least I keep in touch with the community, write articles on my blog, and so forth. It's not unusual, therefore, for such people to be truly convinced that if they had been born in the gender they identify with, they would always be happy, because when they crossdress, they are always happy — the solution to their problem, therefore, seems to be transition (and, indeed, it works well in many cases).

One of the most uncommon and unusual symptoms of atypical depression is (interpersonal) rejection sensitivity syndrome (RSS). This is a condition where people are afraid of saying something wrong, in order to avoid being scalded/laughed at/pointed at/ostracized, whatever. Such persons tend to try to make others happy, or at least avoid to make them angry at them; they try to give their best (even when often it's physically impossible to do so!) because they are truly afraid that being 'slightly below the best' might elicit complaints — which they will try to avoid like the plague. This naturally complicates things, as it's impossible to please everybody at all times; sooner or later, there will be someone unhappy or angry at us, and this will completely render us with a feeling of being useless and hopeless — or sometimes will make us unreasonably angry in return — therefore feeding both the depression and the anxiety.

Most people don't even recognize the 'rejection sensitity syndrome' as being an abnormal mental condition — they just believe it to be a trait of their personalities, the desire to make others happy (so that they don't get angry at them, therefore making them happy too). It's not a totally altruistic feeling (since ultimately someone with RSS will just want to be left in peace, without anybody being angry at them) but because our societies actually encourage altruistic behaviour, people with RSS will (incorrectly) believe that they have the 'right' attitude by trying to please others all the time, while, at the same time, neglecting their own well-being, which is seen as 'secondary' compared to everybody else's well-being.

Lastly, gender dysphoria also may have some symptoms of body dysmorphia, even though there is a strong purpose in that specific kind of body dysmorphia: they believe they look terrible as the gender that they were assigned at birth, and which to look like the 'ideal' person of the gender they identify with, even though this is hard to do without major surgery and hormone treatments.

So... to conclude... all these things play together and feed each other. Someone with gender dysphoria might look themselves in the mirror and see how 'ugly' they are in the gender assigned at birth, with which they don't identify at all. So they want to 'become' the person of the gender they identify with. They might just start crossdreaming about it, but this, in turn, might not be enough. Crossdressing might become the next step, but it will never be 'right'. In the desire to please everybody, it will also mean becoming obsessive in 'passing', in looking great like 'the other girls' (in the case of MtF crossdreamers with gender dysphoria). This will be very hard to accomplish in most cases (unless you have the luck of having been born in the perfect androgynous body!), so there will be a sense of frustration which will slowly and over time develop as anxiety (the urge to 'look your best', becoming nervous or very irritated when you do not 'look your best' even after hours of applying make-up) and depression (because somehow there is never enough time to do a 'good job', or one lacks the required skills for doing 'a good job', or any of a million possible — but not really plausible — excuses). This continues to feed upon itself, and driving crossdressing to an obsession: the obsession to pass, the obsession to spend as much time as possible as the person of the gender one identifies with. The serotonin system in the brain starts to fail, and only crossdreaming/crossdressing activities will make the person happy … nothing else will matter. This, in turn, will increase the obsession — and, as the result is never perfect, it will only make the cycle loop back and back on itself, becoming much more aggravated with each turn. At some point, that person will genuinely think that they will only be able to overcome all those mental disturbances with transition, and living full time as the gender they identify with — anything else short of that will not provide any happiness. Also note that all of the above feels as 'absolutely normal' to the person suffering from all that, because those mental conditions will strongly affect one's perceptions.

Now of course I'm talking about the extreme cases, but this is a bit what 'gender dysphoria' feels like to me — someone not only with gender dysphoria, but with severe atypical depression, anxiety (fortunately cured by now, thanks to awesome new-generation medication), and rejection sensitivity syndrome and (slight) body dysmorphia, present at least since my pre-teens. I don't know exactly when the atypical depression started, although I recognise the triggers that turned it from 'mild' into 'severe' ('mild', in this scenario, just means that the symptoms were there, but I could deal with them and lead a 'normal' life; 'severe' means that only medication and a lot of therapy will have any chance of allowing me to deal with 'reality'). It's obvious for me now that what I have been feeling for a long, long, LONG time has been nothing more and nothing less than decades-long gender dysphoria, which has never been diagnosed, but rather strongly repressed for decades upon decades. And at some point this simply 'blew a fuse' :) My brain stopped its 'rational' bit, engaged in atypical depression as an 'escape' mechanism (i.e. by forcing me to focus on my crossdreaming/crossdressing/identity discovery experiences), and, to make sure that I didn't deviate from the Path to Enlightenment, it provided me a nice host of complementary issues (anxiety, obsession, slight body dysmorphia, rejection sensitivity...), so that I can only focus on the gender I identify with (or think that I identify with) and completely forget about everything else — because, as soon as I start dealing with the Everything Else, I actually get psychosomatic symptoms (dizziness, ear ringing noises, nausea, strong headaches, and so forth), the product of a deluded brain, distorting my experience of reality, which is fighting hard against my strong and stubborn will to resist — and using truly unfair 'weapons' in this fight!

Ironically enough, the 'cure' to deal with so many issues at the same time is to crossdress more (while doing other tasks that my brain refuses to do, like working on my job — from home, of course, since there is no way I could return to my job as a woman :) ). It's interesting how some simple tricks (psychologists, of course, call it 'therapy'...) are able to completely 'fool' the brain and forcing it to 'behave', i.e. to do what we expect it to do. Such moments make me always pause in wonder, as I notice that I can detach my mental processes (those that I attribute my identity to) to the activities of the brain, some of which make no sense to me — but I nevertheless do them.

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#31 [url]

May 2 16 11:28 AM

What a nice and informative post, Sandra. I'll bet it took quite some time to write.

I never knew they had a name for it but I definitely have Rejection Sensitivity Syndrome. I've wondered what came first, RSS which led me to crossdream or equally possible, that I expressed my crossdreaming to my mother (who had lots of psychological problems) who did then reject me, leading to RSS. She committed suicide about 35 years ago, my father died before I had sense to ask, and I am an only child. So I'm stuck wondering. These days I think (hope?) that my transgender feelings were a natural part of me, which freaked my mother out, leading to RSS.

For me when j cross dress I do it in the privacy of home so I don't care what my face or hair look like. I just feel a level of comfort when I am dressed, as if I'm just okay in my skin. And a sadness or regret when I have to take it off and put it all away.

Thanks again for your post. I'm going to print it out later and read it more carefully. I hope you'll continue to add your voice to CDL.

Hugs,

Emma

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#33 [url]

May 2 16 4:07 PM

SandraLopes wrote:
One of the most uncommon and unusual symptoms of atypical depression is (interpersonal) rejection sensitivity syndrome (RSS). This is a condition where people are afraid of saying something wrong, in order to avoid being scalded/laughed at/pointed at/ostracized, whatever. Such persons tend to try to make others happy, or at least avoid to make them angry at them; they try to give their best (even when often it's physically impossible to do so!) because they are truly afraid that being 'slightly below the best' might elicit complaints — which they will try to avoid like the plague. This naturally complicates things, as it's impossible to please everybody at all times; sooner or later, there will be someone unhappy or angry at us, and this will completely render us with a feeling of being useless and hopeless — or sometimes will make us unreasonably angry in return — therefore feeding both the depression and the anxiety.

Most people don't even recognize the 'rejection sensitity syndrome' as being an abnormal mental condition — they just believe it to be a trait of their personalities, the desire to make others happy (so that they don't get angry at them, therefore making them happy too). It's not a totally altruistic feeling (since ultimately someone with RSS will just want to be left in peace, without anybody being angry at them) but because our societies actually encourage altruistic behaviour, people with RSS will (incorrectly) believe that they have the 'right' attitude by trying to please others all the time, while, at the same time, neglecting their own well-being, which is seen as 'secondary' compared to everybody else's well-being.
Do you know if this rejection sensitivity can develop into or cause or can be caused by or mistaken for Social Anxiety Disorder/Social Phobia or Avoidant Personality Disorder?  Cause I strongly believe I have a severe case of (self diagnosed) Social Anxiety disorder.

Nothing bothers me more than being put into situations where I might embarrass myself in someway. I will put the details in a spoiler below, but for as long as I can remember, rejection has always terrified me. 

Last Edited By: Lost247365 May 2 16 5:59 PM. Edited 4 times.

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#34 [url]

May 2 16 5:34 PM

Lost, I was thinking the same thing. I'm not sure what the difference between RSS and social anxiety is. I've had similar experiences. When I was very young, I couldn't ask for simple things like for someone to pass the salt.

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#35 [url]

May 14 16 9:59 PM

Great post from Sandra!
I'm find a lot of sence in that. And whant tell about my expirience in terms of what Sandra said.

About RSS..probably i very good know this feelings. In very different ways. First: in relations with my wife. I often feel guilty, because make her unhappy with my transness. She married on heterosexual-man, not bisexual transwoman. And i try make her life more easy, more happy, to avoid press her with acception of who i'm (more than 2 years she know who i'm but never seen me like woman in reality or on photos) avoid talk often about it because feel her inner pain. But like result i just collect irritation, agression and offence inside. And became more alinated, isolated from her. She fill that and attack me. i explode and then again feel my guilty deeper. Circle repeat. Another reason of guilty is that my female personality strong and every day step by step i'm gradually increase my female space in our life. And guilty for that again push me in that circle.
Guilty and desire avoid it same way work in job space, collegues said that i work hard, but i feel that i lezzy and think more about crossdremming than work and must work better.
It just also happend here, when i wrote post about my personal expirience i same time think "why you so selfish? why you just want to speak about you and don't try help other people with their problems here?"
And finally, like Sandra wrote about sence guilty because you not pass, desire have a perfect pass like cisgirl. That enforce me spend a lot of time for crossdressing and for make it better. And some-times it makes me happy, but some-times it is way full of sadness and pain.
Crossdressing have a very ambiguous sence. It is like the ship sail. If you know how to use it, it can help you. if not, it can be reason of big pain...Also gender identitym i guess in case of crossdreamers identity very fluid (in my case, yes) and fluid identity it is like strong wind with not-stable direction for crossdressing-ship sail. If wind and sail in one direction, you rapidly goes forward, in opposite case wind can broke your ship.
And acoording to my personal expirience, i can say when i'm in 9 point in scale where 0 - man and 10 - woman, pass paradoxically became not so important point. When i'm in 5,6,7 point i can spend a lot of time for making perfect pass, i can make it very good (subjectively of course) and be in euphoria but i guess i never go outside in that state of mind, because i need "perfect" pass for go to the street. But "perfect" impossible purpose. But when it is "9" it is other case.
3 weeks ago in the deep night i was in this condition of identity, i was in woman nightwear and try to sleep, but completely can not. And finally decide "common let's do it". I'm not switch nightwear, just wear jeans and jacket to hide it, make simple make up, with eye-liner, lipstick, eyebrowes-liner and mascara. I was not sure about my pass (more of that, my shaving of face was not accurate in that moment) but i just went outside, and about 2 hours riding on the bycicle, walk in the park e.t.c And finally i was happy, i felt that got a lot of ne power. Like breakthrow another barrier in my life. But when i'm in 6-7 point i can not go outside with more high pass that i had in that night.
I'm a lot of thinked about my identity states. One of the main is like "point 5" i'm call it "queer" condition. When i'm intermediate between genders or don't feel any gender. Probably for some genduerqueer people, agender and other it is stable comfortable point, but i feel that it is not my true gender point. In that point i feel some-thing related with depersonalization syndrome. Like disinterest, emotional coldness to friends, wife, parents, Life in this condition became empty, with out inner drive, like all what i'm do just from external mechaincal reasons. And some-times derealization and feel of some personality split exist. Usually negative events push me in that. (once after serious conflit with life this condition was to much strong, that i feel jamais vu, when had walking). And crossdressing in that case like cure through torture. Process of prepare unpleasant and i start feel comfort only if my look good and after 2-3 hours after crossdressing started. But positive things and good emotions in my life push me in more female state of mind. And most comfortable conditiion when i feel me woman (not when i feel, that i just want to be woman) And now i more often and often suspect that my true purpose-point, not make perfect pass, but finally shift my identity feelings to point 9. (of course it has other problem, a lot of problems solved in this condition but desire to have a female anatomy became more visible) It is also very strange and amazing fact. Like your current identity can shift, and not all your identites comfortable for you.
Some-times, about crossdreamers talk like about people who want to be woman in terms "look like" woman, but i also can say about other moment "feel like woman" Strange, probably i'm not transexual but my mind push me to became transexual like more comfortable state of mind.

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#36 [url]

May 16 16 7:07 AM

JustEva wrote:
Great post from Sandra!
I'm find a lot of sence in that. And whant tell about my expirience in terms of what Sandra said.

I completely agree.  It was an amazing post!
It just also happend here, when i wrote post about my personal expirience i same time think "why you so selfish? why you just want to speak about you and don't try help other people with their problems here?"

I have the same experience.  For instance, I really like welcoming new members, and I always try to post something to show how I can relate to them.  But, afterwards, I feel like my post is completely self absorbed.  The thread is supposed to be about them and I am making it about me.  Then I feel bad about posting.  I just wanted to be welcoming, but feel like a horrible narcissist afterwards.
Crossdressing have a very ambiguous sence. It is like the ship sail. If you know how to use it, it can help you. if not, it can be reason of big pain...Also gender identitym i guess in case of crossdreamers identity very fluid (in my case, yes) and fluid identity it is like strong wind with not-stable direction for crossdressing-ship sail. If wind and sail in one direction, you rapidly goes forward, in opposite case wind can broke your ship.

Exactly!  This fluidity scares me the most.  Like today, one moment, I feel like I am fighting off tears and the next I feel hollow and inhuman. 

I'm a lot of thinked about my identity states. One of the main is like "point 5" i'm call it "queer" condition. When i'm intermediate between genders or don't feel any gender. Probably for some genduerqueer people, agender and other it is stable comfortable point, but i feel that it is not my true gender point. In that point i feel some-thing related with depersonalization syndrome. Like disinterest, emotional coldness to friends, wife, parents, Life in this condition became empty, with out inner drive, like all what i'm do just from external mechaincal reasons. And some-times derealization and feel of some personality split exist. Usually negative events push me in that. (once after serious conflit with life this condition was to much strong, that i feel jamais vu, when had walking). 

Again, it is like you are reading my mind in so many ways.   Similarly, for me, it is like a scale from 0-10 with 0 being a "genderless" state and at the other end is this horrible yearning to be a girl that makes me feel like I am going crazy.    

At the "genderless" I don't feel distressed, but I feel hollow and inhuman.  Like a robot going through motion. I really don't like it, but I don't feel distressed either.  I eventually start trying to push myself to the other end of the specrum just so I can have that sense of connectedness I have at the other end. 

As I get further and further along I start feeling better and better (but my ability to concentrate goes down).  At around 5, I am probably at my most normal.  Still no sense of internal gender but I definitely have my crossdreaming side going at full power.  

At around a 7-8 If I allow my mind to deviate for even a second it will lock itself into a crossdreaming fantasy.  This is probably my favorite place to be because thinking of myself as a girl creates this sense of euphoria that overwhelms me.  It is almost like being on a drug.  I will even imagine myself as a girl as I go around doing mundane chores.  The only drawback is that I can't focus on anything else.

Then I hit a 9-10.  This is where the erotic component vanishes and I start to get (what I think is) dysphoric.  I just want to be a girl so badly, I have to hold back tears.  I find it hard to even look at a girl at this point because I want to be her so badly.  And I utterly hate my body and will think about how I just wished my male genitals would go away.  Sometimes, it will even feel like I have breasts and will have to pat my chest to be sure.
Some-times, about crossdreamers talk like about people who want to be woman in terms "look like" woman, but i also can say about other moment "feel like woman" Strange, probably i'm not transexual but my mind push me to became transexual like more comfortable state of mind.

No matter where I am, I don't have this sense of internal gender.  Even at 9-10 I don't feel like a girl trapped in a mans body.  I just want to be a girl so very badly it hurts.  Conversely, and I know this makes no sense, but thinking of my mental state in that point as anything other than a "she" or "her" just doesn't make any sense to me either.  

Overall, I feel like these cycles are slowly but surely pushing toward that same end.  As a young child, before the crossdreaming started, I was cis-male by default.  I didn't feel male or female but I would look at my body and say I have male anatomy, therefore my gender must be male, and I was happy with that and had NO desire (that I can remember) to be female.  But then the crossdreaming started.

At first, my crossdreams were about defiance.  Being a boy stuck in a girls body but not "giving in" and retaining my male identity until I could find a cure (strangely enough I never did).  Then at some point my fantasies changed slightly, and after a while of being "stuck" I would give in and accept being female, and sometimes come to like it.  Then, usually at night while I was asleep, I started dreaming of voluntarily becoming a girl.  

I was in complete denial at that point.  I would being wishing on stars, praying to god, that I would wake up the next day female, and yet if you would have asked me if I wanted to actually be a girl...I would have told you "no" and every lie detector ever made would have told you I was telling the truth.  Finally, about a year ago, during a dysphoric episode I reached the point where I had to admit to myself, yeah I do want to be a girl.  BADLY.

Looking back on the whole thing, I feel like I am being pushed more and more in that direction and can't stop it.  Like my mind is slowly conditioning me to want to be a girl more and more while removing any resistance to that desire.  I fear that one day, a dysphoria episode will hit me that just won't end.  

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#37 [url]

May 16 16 6:22 PM

Vaydra, thanks for your reply!

"I have the same experience. For instance, I really like welcoming new members, and I always try to post something to show how I can relate to them. But, afterwards, I feel like my post is completely self absorbed. The thread is supposed to be about them and I am making it about me. Then I feel bad about posting. I just wanted to be welcoming, but feel like a horrible narcissist afterwards."

You just reading my mind. Because it is absolutely same with my kind of logic, when i post some-thing here and try make communication. Really want to be friendly and useful->write self-concentrated posts->feel guilty. In my case it is also specific shape of guilty for not perfect english

I think that "guilty" component probably part of our disphoria or some-thing related to that. OR probably it works in terms of RSS.

"At the "genderless" I don't feel distressed, but I feel hollow and inhuman. Like a robot going through motion. I really don't like it, but I don't feel distressed either."
A lot of similliar, except disstresful component. But it is also look like depersonalisation state of mind. Loss of personality sence, and losss of gender self-identity like part of that. Absence of gender feelings, emotional coldness, feel yourself like mechanical, robot. Difficult to say it same for you pr not, but i think for my case it is kind of pathologic mechanism of defence. And in my case crossdressing can help to broke that defence.

"No matter where I am, I don't have this sense of internal gender. Even at 9-10 I don't feel like a girl trapped in a mans body. I just want to be a girl so very badly it hurts. Conversely, and I know this makes no sense, but thinking of my mental state in that point as anything other than a "she" or "her" just doesn't make any sense to me either. "

Probably our core-gender, truegender or i don't know what in ittle bit different positions. Probably 6-7 it is your true point, 9-10 (or i can mistakes of course) because only our fellings in 9-10 score is different point, when any other to much similliar, Probably we have same defence mechanisms also.
For me 9-10 really comfortable, and it is feeling of be a woman. But i can say, that first time when i experienced feeling "became crazy"
About sexual meaning of this. In 5 point my sexual desire to much low, but persist some elements of fetishization of women clothes. In 6-8 my sexual desire highest in bisexual manner. And in 9-10 it is most unusal, it becames mostly androphilic, not related with my current wear and appear abilty to get orgasm without penis and erection...

"Overall, I feel like these cycles are slowly but surely pushing toward that same end. As a young child, before the crossdreaming started, I was cis-male by default. I didn't feel male or female but I would look at my body and say I have male anatomy, therefore my gender must be male, and I was happy with that and had NO desire (that I can remember) to be female. But then the crossdreaming started.

At first, my crossdreams were about defiance. Being a boy stuck in a girls body but not "giving in" and retaining my male identity until I could find a cure (strangely enough I never did). Then at some point my fantasies changed slightly, and after a while of being "stuck" I would give in and accept being female, and sometimes come to like it. Then, usually at night while I was asleep, I started dreaming of voluntarily becoming a girl.

I was in complete denial at that point. I would being wishing on stars, praying to god, that I would wake up the next day female, and yet if you would have asked me if I wanted to actually be a girl...I would have told you "no" and every lie detector ever made would have told you I was telling the truth. Finally, about a year ago, during a dysphoric episode I reached the point where I had to admit to myself, yeah I do want to be a girl. BADLY.

Looking back on the whole thing, I feel like I am being pushed more and more in that direction and can't stop it. Like my mind is slowly conditioning me to want to be a girl more and more while removing any resistance to that desire. I fear that one day, a dysphoria episode will hit me that just won't end."

yes, it is also has a lot of sence for me. It is gradual process, you, me we not felt in childhood that we "girls trapped in man's bodies" And with every nre cicle of this shifts we gradually moving some-where, breaking resistence of brain

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#38 [url]

May 16 16 7:45 PM

In my case it is also specific shape of guilty for not perfect english

Your English is great and if anyone gives you a hard time because of it I will kick their butt just for you!  

エヴァちゃんは私の美しい友達.
大好きなエヴァちゃん。
<3

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#40 [url]

May 17 17 10:05 AM

This is really good stuff about 'RSS', I'm sure I've a lot of that. In a lot of ways it's self-inflicted.

Something is just really wrong here -> Why do they keep making fun of me -> There must be something different about me -> I think I want to be a girl -> Wouldn't it be cool if I was just a girl -> Yes I think I'd really like that -> I think will just be a girl in my head, coz no one can tell or get at me about it there -> Oh, I hope the fact that I'm a girl in my head isn't showing too much around other people, I shall have to be so much more careful now -> I don't think I really ought to think I want to be a girl when I'm around other people -> I don't want other people to think I think I want to be a girl or am a girl when I'm with them -> I think I want to forget about the fact that I once thought I wanted to be a girl -> Now why can't I seem to work out how not to be such a girl any more? -> How come this stuff seems to just come so easily to other people? -> There must be something terribly wrong with me, if only I could work out what it was -> It can't be the fact that I'm a girl can it, because obviously I'm not, and I really don't want to be one of 'those' kinds of people who for some strange reason think they are the opposite sex -> Now why does thinking I am somehow the opposite sex still always feel so awesome though..

and so forth..

Which gives us so-called 'Exposure Anxiety', or 'Pathological Demand Avoidance', depending on whether we are looking from the inside out or from the outside in.
http://som.flinders.edu.au/FUSA/disabstud/darpa/archival/d_williams/dw-anxiety.pdf

Exposure Anxiety
Exposure Anxiety is an involuntary self protection mechanism underlying compulsive avoidance, diversion, retaliation responses. It makes it difficult to dare ’expressive volume’in a directly confrontational (self in relation to other) world whose culture is geared toward making you notice you have noticed: something they call communicating, sharing, interacting.
Exposure Anxiety can heighten the suffocating sense of your own existence so that it feels TOO CLOSE UP, too in your own face., so it causes you to have an instinctual involuntary aversion to conscious awareness/responsibility for your own expression. Like conditions like agoraphobia, Exposure Anxiety can escalate to make increasingly hard to stay motivated to initiate speaking, looking, to express a need or want, to share an interest or even dare to stay aware you have one.
It can create such an emotional obstacle to connection to mind and/or body that the person develops islands of expression in which they can’t do for themselves, can’t do as themselves, or can’t do by themselves. Pushing beyond the limits of will’s tolerance, Exposure Anxiety heightens and can result in island’s of involuntary aversion, diversion and retaliation responses.

So you cycle round that loop for a few years, getting more and more locked in and anxious, till finally some decades later you realise 'Holy shit, I am just a girl', and then you see just how stupid you are being, and how much time you have wasted, and how you have ruined your own life over something that really wasn't that big a deal to begin with, and now you want to cut through all the garbage and just finally tell the truth for once in your sorry little life, only by that stage you can't even do that, because then it looks like you've been knowingly lying to other people for decades, and after the way you've been behaving recently and all the worries you have put other people through in the past, why the hell would you want to add even more difficulties on top?
image

And anyway, that so-called Gender Identity Disorder is just a surprisingly common 'co-morbid' delusion that people with a mild case of Autism Spectrum Disorder somehow all-to-often seem to develop a little later on in life....
image
Oh shit, I'm already over 30, fat and balding, so it's a bit late to fix this thing now..
Here's a prayer for you. ... "Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen"
There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important. .. "Lord, lord, lord.." it's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. 'Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.' Amen"

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Last Edited By: Xora May 18 17 3:34 AM. Edited 1 time.

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