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Feb 29 16 11:29 PM

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Today i want start some other probably interesting topic.
Age of your inner female. I have suspicious, that our inner male and female can be very different on age.
Already more than 2 years after Eva's arousal and i strongly feel that my man to much older than she. Eva just teenage. When inner male to much tired, sceptic, cynic, very rational and careful, Eva to much active, to much trust people, kind, careless, she want bright clothes, bright make up, jump, dance in night club and catch attention of strangers. I thinked about it. when suddenly my wife said me: "do you know, that's strange but i feel that when you make decisions like woman, it is like me 10-15 years ago, you clothes, souvenirs, and other choice it is choice of 15-16 yeas girl who only start adult life and want all in one time and in maximum" I was wander that her feelings same with my.
I Think because Eva arouse only not so far, she growth rapidly, but to much young and really now in teenage
(p.s. i don't devide my personality completely for two different person, for me it is two sides of me)

How about you? Your inner female in same or different age with your male? 
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#1 [url]

Mar 1 16 12:18 AM

That makes sense to me. I feel that my own inner woman is a grown-up, but she remains younger than my male persona.

But that should not come as a surprise. I have been forced to live as a man for all these years, and even if that life is followed by a contant dissonance, I have nevertheless trained myself to live as a man. She has not had the same chance to live her life.

There are many tales of trans women (and trans men) going through a "second puberty" when transitioning. Some blame the hormones, but I suspect it is also about catching up. Girls starts training for "womahood" (whatever that will be for them) from they are very young. Some go through a pink "princess" phase, others being the femal jungle explorer, before starting testing out make-up and clothing, exploring the role of the adult woman.

I think many crossdreamers find this so hard to grasp, because often did not enjoy their own "coming of age" experimentation. I found no affirmation in living the life of a man.

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#2 [url]

Mar 1 16 12:29 AM

I feel my 'inner woman' to be in her thirties, maybe late twenties. But then my inner man isn't much older. I have never wanted to see myself as 'middle aged but then I'm never going to have what many middle aged men have - teenaged or grown up children. I guess for someone who sees their children leave home there is that feeling of moving onto the 'next stage of lie'. I'm not going to have that; I think that means I'll stay young!!

But there is also the feeling that my female side never had that stage of self discovering in the world that comes with young adulthood, so it seems natural for her to cling on to that . I'm not sure she ever had a 'pink princess' stage. She's not that kind of girl!

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#3 [url]

Mar 1 16 10:28 AM

I am definitely often accused of being child-like, because I jump around like an idiot, and play and such. I am also told that I look younger than I am, but I really don't think so. I definitely mourn getting older.

My Daimon though, is probably a thousand. Seems to know everything, or at least it thinks it does. The my daimon/conscience/eagle/super-ego/demon/genius is rather annoying sometimes, but I'm glad it's there others.

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#4 [url]

Mar 1 16 12:04 PM

As I often seem to do, I am probably going to end up throwing cold water on this pretty interesting and potentially hot thread. I believe that internal age plays a significant role in cross dreaming. If you are going to take the trouble to fantasize about being girl, chances are you going to fantasize about being one under the age of 30. And that makes perfect sense. If crossdreaming alone works for you, then there is no reason why that can’t continue forever. But if you have a drive to transition, then the growing gap between the age you fantasize being, and the age you are, can become a huge obstacle. Yet if you can overcome that and transition, you will find that the trans world will constantly pressure you into presenting in an “age appropriate manner “, and their definition of something being age appropriate often appears ridiculously conservative. I found my own liberation from all of that in embracing my age, but not embracing conservative social constructs of what that should mean.

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#5 [url]

Mar 1 16 3:29 PM

I've always imagined myself as my current age. Whether I was 10 years old or 59 years old. At least for me it was unhealthy to imagine being younger. 

Lindsay


"The thing is you see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear, dig?" the Pointed Man

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#6 [url]

Mar 1 16 4:18 PM

JustEva,  I can relate to this.  I too experience my female side as younger.  It may be because I never got to really experience life as a girl or young woman.  So my female side yearns to experience that.  I think my female side seeks to be the opposite of my male side in some ways.  My male side is old, mature, traditional, conservative, proper, responsible.  My female side is young, exciting, playful, more open-minded and carefree.

I also relate to what April said.  When I was considering transition, it was a real conflict for me that I would be a "woman my age", rather than a younger one.  But in privacy and fantasy, I can be any age I desire, so why not be young.  Still, when going out I do try to dress more age appropriate, while in privacy I dress much younger.

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#7 [url]

Mar 1 16 11:26 PM

Hello, it's an interesting point. Neither part of me has ever felt as old as I apparently am, and I relate best to younger people.

I (Jenny) am not sure when I was born, but I feel I am in my mid 20's. Ive had to lead a quiet life most of the time, and Im loving this chance to finally begin to express my thoughts and feelings for the first time ever! I like to be fun and playful and sometimes naughty (unlike 'him', who is a bit of a boring grump at times!)

Jenny x

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#8 [url]

Mar 1 16 11:44 PM

Jack
My suspects and vision of that, very simillar with you. I think for us and for MtF woman on hormones reason is same. Because female personality a lot of years was stuck and not normaly developed. Just now it try growh up after partly liberation. And for me current condition has a two sides. For one, young age of inner woman is like fresh water and a lot of new energy, but for other side it is reason of a lot of suffering.

Pip
I think your life expirience reasonble for why you and like woman and like man feel that you still young. Probably absence of some typicle fo a lot of other life expirience. But i see a lot of positive in that.

Elsa, Cindy, Lindsay, i see how different can be our expirience. I think it depended for a lot of factors, which make our personality! Cindy expirience most related for me. But i think it can be very individual. But it easy to understand, if we people with not-stable gender identity, same with age feeling, especially for female part

April,
I can not say that it is my desirible fantasy to be teenage girl, it is current feelings according to a lot of things, also visible for my wife. And i can not say, that completly enjoy that. Some-times i think, that will be nice if my inner woman will be more mature and carefool.
But i think you completly right in term of transition. Real life of transwoman very quicly enforce you to became mature.
Live in closet terrible, but same time it is protection from outer world. But in completly protective enironment you not growh up.

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#10 [url]

Mar 3 16 1:48 PM

Eva, There is no question that I would get a lot more respect from just about everybody if I pulled in my lifestyle considerably. I occasionally attend a monthly trans support meeting that usually has about 20 trans girls in attendance. Most of that group is on the plus side of 50, and for the most part seems very very conservative. I suspect that most of them in their previous male lives were also that way. One of the subjects that I constantly like to bring up is where everybody goes for fun. I am figuring that they know some hot clubs I haven't been to yet, but they usually talk about going to Denny's as a group, and that is like a big thing to them. Then me, in my tight little skirts and goth make up, starts talking about all the places I have danced, and all the far out things that have happened to me, and they look at me like I am from a different planet. Now don't get me wrong, these people are polite enough to me (at least to my face). Some of them have even complimented me on my rather aggressive fashion choices. But it is very obvious that these people are desperately striving to be accepted as conventional, where I have counter culture dripping from my pours. That's just who I am. I don't like fitting in. I want to succeed alright, but completely on my own terms.

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#11 [url]

Mar 3 16 6:21 PM

April
Probably with your full sense of inner liberty, you more mature (not older) than ladies on that meeting:) You don't afraid to be yourself.

What i can say, case with your community meating it is some-kind of dark side of female society. I'm a lot of like that already seen in cisgirls world. They to much polite for you, to sweet, embrace you...but behind your back It begins hissing snake. It is typicle for female community in non gender-equality societies where female in great concurency for looking for of rich husband and spent time for be more and more beauty in conventional terms. And they to polite for you, but really look at you like on competitor.
In the case of transcommunity it is also situatuion of disequality, disequality with ciswoman, and they try strongly to be conventional for go up to level of ciswoman. And non stnadart behaviour can irritate them:) But your choice it is your choice, all the can go to hell:))
If i go to transition, probably i will attach very feminine style, probably conventional. But i will be happy to go to bar with you, woman with agressive honorable non-conservative style of fashion and life.

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#12 [url]

Mar 3 16 10:31 PM

jackmolay wrote:
There are many tales of trans women (and trans men) going through a "second puberty" when transitioning. Some blame the hormones, but I suspect it is also about catching up. Girls starts training for "womahood" (whatever that will be for them) from they are very young. Some go through a pink "princess" phase, others being the femal jungle explorer, before starting testing out make-up and clothing, exploring the role of the adult woman.
 

I can identify with this. Imagine all of the time cis-girls and -boys spend practicing their gender roles, figuring out how they fit into the broader picture of female and male. It's literally years. So it shouldn't be surprising when transpeople want to experiment (possibly quite a lot, and quite adventuriously) with the role they are trying to step into. All of that would make that side of you feel quite young, I think.

That said, I honestly am not sure if I have an inner male and an inner female. But I think it's useful as a metaphor, because some of the ways I want to express being female are definitely younger than my age. ;)
Pink "princess" phase

Once as a "joke", some coworkers of mine decorated a vacationing teammate's office with princess party decorations. I was actually surprised when the returning coworker immediately threw away all of the decorations upon returning - it was meant to be somewhat insulting (ah, casual misogyny) and the "cool" thing to do would have been to just roll with it.

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#13 [url]

Mar 4 16 4:10 AM

I can't tell the age of Francesca. She has the insatiable sex drive of an unsatisfied teenager (which is what dragged me into this self-discovery in the first place), but the taste in clothing of a businesswoman with a kink (elegant and sexy, but not slutty or too shiny). She is definitely younger than my male self who, rather than novelty and excitement, wants quiet and long-term plans. But it's really hard to say if this last aspect is not really just a way for me to escape from responsibilities which I accepted, by hiding behind the opportunity of throwing everything away and start from scratch.

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#14 [url]

Mar 7 16 1:38 PM

I am 33 and she is 21.  And "no" I am not calling her 21 so she will be old enough to drink (I am pretty much a tea-totaler as I have like 1 margarita every 2-3 months tops). Tongue


 I consider the year that I started fantasizing about be a girl the year of her birth.  I can't remember the exact day when I started crossdreaming, but I do know that it was May 20 of last year that I finally accepted that part of myself.  So I consider May 20, 1994 her birthday.  I feel that really fits her as I feel that my crossdreaming as grown and matured over the course of my life.

That said, my crossdreaming, probably due to ego and androgen poisoning, tends to focus on being (like April said), under 30.  Usually around 17-22, the age where I perceive girls have the most freedom to dress and express themselves in style, manner, and behavior without "as much" societal condemnation as they explore their identity.  Free from the constraints of parental control, but not constricted by the idea of "age appropriate" clothes.

I guess I would be lying if I didn't say my "inner female" resents not having had the chance to experience that period of time.  But, again, it could also be just as much about ego and wanting to always be at one's physical prime or hormones pushing my fantasies in a typical male direction.

Or maybe a combination of all three?




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#15 [url]

Mar 8 16 3:37 PM

Lost said " I guess I would be lying if I didn't say my "inner female" resents not having had the chance to experience that period of time. (age 17 - 22)"

Yes I can really relate to this.  At one point around 10 years ago, I became obsessive about this.  In hindsight I believe it was my version of the typical midlife crisis many men experience.  Many men go through this and try to feel young again by getting a sports car, changing their hair or clothing style, or even having affairs with younger women.  But I experienced it as feeling I had missed the chance to be a young girl.  So I started trying to dress and act as a young girl.  I started watching TV and movies targeted to them, listening to music by young singers, joining fan sites for young girls, etc.  I was trying to get that experience that I had missed.  All my behaviors seemed very strange to my wife, family and friends who observed them.  And my dysphoria was at its highest point because I wanted to be something I was not and could not be.  I was very unhappy and depressed during those times. 

Thankfully I have gotten over that now, but a part of me still wishes I could have experienced it all for real.

 

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#16 [url]

Mar 11 16 11:03 PM

I think of my inner self as younger, only in that, like others have said, the lack of experience or exposure to that side has prevented its development and evolution. I can feel some of what a teen girl stepping into that world might feel. But I can't do much more beyond that, outside of shared or similar experiences from my own past to ones more commonly had by some women (having been stalked, say).

Also, since early puberty, or pre-pubescence are the closest match personally to being physically female (size, weight, lack of hair, less strength, no masculine sexual dimorphism yet), going back to that time and moving forward is the easiest mental exercise to finding that common ground with what may have been.

So maybe it's less about how old that inner self is, or would want to be, but more about that's where the closest common reference between the triad of man, boy/girl, woman would be.

When I was still a kid, and then a teen, I think the internal age would be the same, but as my physical experience diverged from what 'should' have been for the internal side, the split grew.

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#18 [url]

Mar 12 16 10:38 AM

I agree completely with Cindy. Megan's observation feels right to me. I'll add that I was often the physically smallest boy in class. I got teased for it but at times I was also kind of protected by the larger boys. I liked being the smallest one!

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#19 [url]

Mar 18 16 10:58 AM

oh, crossdreaming makes me feel younger!

if you grant yourself the license (as you certainly should) to perceive yourself as the other gender, then that license surely also allows you to select your age, size, nationality, job etc. you can even grant yourself lots of money! crossdreaming is not estimating the results of an actual rl transition. xx

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