Ariadne wrote:Well, in my opinion:
p.s. English is not my native language, so please don't hesitate to ask for any clarifications that may be needed.
01. Introduce yourself to us.
02. When did you first hear about autogynaephilia?
03. Do you recall what were your initial feelings and thoughts on the theory?
04. What is your current opinion on autogynaephilia?
05. (For trans individuals) Has autogynaephilia ever been used to invalidate your transgenderism?
06. Have you ever discussed autogynaephilia with others? If so, what were their reactions?
07. What do you define as crossdreaming?
08. Do you consider yourself a crossdreamer? If so, what is it that you believe makes the label appropriate to describe yourself?
09. What were the earliest memories of crossdreaming you have had?
10. Did you ever experience any guilt for having crossdreaming fantasies?
11. Are there any concepts about crossdreaming that you consider false?
12. Are there any other thoughts you'd like to add?
Μέχρι στιγμής, τα αγγλικά σας είναι τέλεια.
So far, your english is perfect. Okay so lets get this started.
Hi, I am lost247365 but I also go by the femme name Vaydra on this forum. I am a 34 year old asexual MTF crossdreamer from the United States. More specifically I live in west Texas. I really don't want to give out my given name if possible.
I think it was in my mid-20's that I first came across the term. If I am remembering correctly I was searching for something else online and came across the wikipedia article on the subject.
At the time I read about it I thought it more or less described my fantasies, and it finally game me a term to use to describe my fantasies. I was happy about that. However, I didn't really pay any attention to the section on transwomen or the controversy around the term at the time. I was convinced at the time that my fantasies were just a "fetish" so I wasn't interested too much in the part about how it supposedly applied to transwomen.
My opinion currently is that it is a psuedoscientific theory that is used to stigmatize and attack transwomen. About a couple of years ago, I was having an extremely strong episode of these fantasies. Nothing I did could get them to go away, and at times I thought I was about to go crazy. It was then I think I realized that what I am going through was no mere fetish. I began to search for anything I could to better understand (and possibly control) these feelings.
Eventually I was posting about what I was going through on AVEN when one of the members there game me a link to the Crossdreamers.com site. It was only then that I was reintroduced to the term AGP, and read about it in detail. From there I went to other sites including TSRoadmap, and to Julia Serrano's articles on the subject. Being a bit of a scientific skeptic I also read up about the theory on a few skeptic websites like rational wiki.
Having read about the theories flaws I finally decided that the theory was psuedoscientific rubbish along the lines of the aquatic ape hypothesis. Further, having seen how it is used against transwomen (to whom I feel a strong empathy) I decided to never use the term AGP to describe myself again. I especially liked what I read at the crossdreamers site, and from then on only used the term "crossdreamer" to describe myself.
Honestly, I do consider myself transgender but I really really don't like to identify that way. My fantasies are always with me but they come in waves and when those feelings are at a high, I embrace that term almost whole heartedly. However, when those feelings are low it feels completely wrong. And overall, while, again, I do consider myself as being transgender, I just have a really hard time feeling okay publically identifying that way. Especially since I have no intention at this time of ever transitioing. Sorry for the sidetrack, but I feel that is important to mention before getting to your question.
Anyway, no it has not been used to invalidate me. However, that is because I am very closeted in real life about both my sexaulity and my crossdreaming. It is hard to be invalidated if you aren't open about these things. That said, I have seen the theory to invalidate others online a myriad of times.
I have only discussed my crossdreaming 3 placs. Here, on AVEN, and with an online friend who came out to me about their own decision to transition. On AVEN, I discussed this on their gender forum for transpeople. They were very supportive and many of them told me they experienced the same exact feelings and they gave me links to several websites. Here on CDL I have experienced nothing but total acceptance and support. Finally, my online friend was just as accepting of me as I had been of her.
I personally like to define crossdreamer as "Someone who enjoys dreaming/fantasizes/ or thinking about themselves as the opposite sex and/or gender."
I do consider myself a crossdreamer. I think the label is appropriate because have been fantasizing about being the opposite sex since I was 12. It has been my deepest secret joy and source of happiness every single day of my life since then. Something that until recently I couldn't tell anyone about.
I have always had a love for myths and fantasy stories for as long as I can remember. In particular, as a young kid transformation stories fascinated me. So in a small way I do think crossdreaming has been with me for just about my whole life. However, its wasn't until about the start of 7th grade that I had my first crossdreaming experience. It was at that time that I saw the movie Dr. Jeckyll and Ms. Hyde.
The moment the first transformation took place felt like a switch was flicked on inside of me and the crossdreams began.
I remember that I had always been a very socially awkward kid with fewer friend than I could count fingers on one hand. I spent most of my time by myself just creating stories and fantasies in my own head. Once the crossdreams began, all those stories suddenly gained a strong gender bending theme. I still fantasized about being various heroes and what not, but all of the sudden all those heroes would get a magical forced sex change and be stuck that way.
I furiously searched out anything and everything I could about people being transformed into the opposite sex. Loving mythology and knowing their perchant for transformation stories I began scouring all sources I could for stories of people who had their sex changed. I also discovered the manga "Ranma 1/2" about this time which turned me from a casual anime watcher into a fanatic! Manga and Anime seemed alot more open to gender bending themes and provided a needed outlet for these feelings I couldn't find in American media.
Guilt? I don't know I would call it that. I never felt like there was anything wrong with what I was doing. I originally thought of it as a fetish, and while I know that there is a lot of social baggage with fetishes I have always thought of fetishes as being perfectly natural. That said, I was HORRIBLY embarrassed by it. While not an feminine person, I was not very masculine either. I hated sports and hyper masculinity. To top it off, I had/have a somewhat high pitched and androgynous voice, the drop dead last thing I wanted anyone to know was that I liked to fantasize about myself being turned into a girl. Maybe "shame" would be a better word.
Further, my family and I are pretty private. We tend to believe personal things like this should be kept private. Unless it is vital for someone else to know something like this, we like to keep our lives to ourselves.
Lots of things about AGP I consider false.
First and foremost, for me anyways, is the idea that we are sexually attracted to ourselves. I consider myself asexual, I don't experience sexual desire/attraction at all. If I was sexually attracted to myself my fantasies wouldn't be of me becoming a woman, so much as it would be me wanting to have intercourse with a female clone of myself. I don't want that at all. I don't want to have sex with anyone.
Second, I would say the idea that AGP causes people to become transgender. I feel that is putting the cart before the horse. I believe that Crossdreaming is a consquence to an at least partial transgender identity.
Third, according to AGP theory all transwomen fall into one of two groups. Homosexual transexuals (men who are attracted to other men and pretty much want to become women because they want to better attracted other men) and AGP transexuals (men who fetishize themselves as women). The first group are supposedly all androphilic, want to be girls from their earlies possible memories, and are naturally feminine. The second group only develop said feelings from adolescence, have some sort of attraction to women, and are masculine. I have met other crossdreamers here who have fantasized or wanted to the other sex from way before adolescence. I have met gay crossdreamers here. And having several non-feminine cis-female relatives (including my own self described "tom-boy" mother) I think the idea of natural feminity is bunk.
I have also heard that all of us crossdreamers are violent, homophobic, and mysogynistic pervert narcissists. I have never been in a violent altercation with anyone. I am the main caretaker of my mother who has MS and love her deeply. I consider myself a intersectional feminist. I am a HUGE supporter of the LGBTQ movement. I have never molested or assaulted anyone or done anything "perverted." Oh and on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory I score a 2. I find insinuations like these highly offensive.
These are just the things that come to mind.
One thing I really want to emphasize is how confusing these fantasies can be. I was attracted to the opposite sex, but not in the way everyone else was.
I spent years denying these feelings over and over again telling myself it was just a fetish. That I didn't really want to be a girl. As an adolescent I would wish upon a star to be a girl and then immediately give myself a mental slap telling myself to quit getting so caught up in a fetish. I was a mixed up mess for a long time.