May 16 17 3:29 AM

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Felix reflects on the need to tell others about the sexy side of crossdreaming:

 If I transition…do friends have a right to know about my sexual interest in feminization?
Personally, I think that the general public have such a narrow view of sexuality that informing them would lead to misunderstanding and prejudice…so we should probably keep it to ourselves until we live in a more enlightened age. However, it’s not going to change the sentiment with which I began this post: that while I think it’s necessary we keep crossdreaming to ourselves…it makes me uncomfortable that liberal supporters of transgender rights (our most important allies) don’t know the full story about why some transwomen choose to transition.
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#1 [url]

May 16 17 8:00 AM

I think Felix .. and many others.. make too much of this.. I'm a strong believer that cis- people of both genders get plenty of sexual satisfaction from their own form. Why are some people - again of both genders but I'm thinking of males specifically because I am physically male - almost addicted to going to the gym, way past what they need to be for actual health reasons...

and what do cis people think of when they masturbate.. There's probably a forum somewhere where people post honestly about this (I'll look sometime though I haven' t before)... I'm sure some of the time its just about being at one with ones self.. there is a humorous quote, isn't there "Masturbation, making out with someone you REALLY love"

What I'm saying is I think most people, when they masturbate might sometimes imagine someone they know, or a celeb, or just an imaginary person, but sometimes it ..is... just.... THEMSELVES...

and how is that different from what Felix writes here? Only that they haven't known any different, or had to work hard .. or imagine hard.. to get there

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#2 [url]

May 16 17 8:55 AM

For me, the key words that caught my attention are "... right to know..." No, they have zero right to know - anything. They may ask me pretty much anything with sensitivity and politeness, especially after we have gained trust and respect for each other.

I've thus far come out to about 30 friends and family that I'm transgender although for now I'm not presenting as female nor do I have transition plans. I have more exploration to do. I've been surprised and to some extent dismayed at the lack of interest people have expressed. I'm so ready! Maybe they are uncomfortable or perhaps, as many have said, they are entirely supportive and, beyond that, consider it all too personal to get into.

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#3 [url]

May 16 17 9:16 AM

Emma, I agree with you that people don't have a right to know. That was my first thought too, until I started to think about al the other stuff I wrote

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#4 [url]

May 16 17 10:13 AM

I agree with the other comments in that they simply do not have a right to know because it's quite frankly none of their business. I am pretty open with my one friend who knows I am transgender but you do have draw the line at some conversation topics. 

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#5 [url]

May 16 17 10:26 AM

Emmasweet wrote:
I've been surprised and to some extent dismayed at the lack of interest people have expressed. I'm so ready! Maybe they are uncomfortable or perhaps, as many have said, they are entirely supportive and, beyond that, consider it all too personal to get into.

Or perhaps it's just not as important to them as it is to you?  Face it, it's not all about you!  

Myself, I'll always take lack of interest over outright hostility and transphobia.  But of course it's much nicer to know that someone cares.  


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#6 [url]

May 16 17 2:54 PM

I agree with Emma, nobody has a right to know what arouses another. In the early days of my transition, a lot of my social life included the gay bar scene. LGBT people have fought very hard to be open about what turns them on, and are naturally curious about what turns on others. You can't believe how many times as the new trans girl in that scene, I was asked whether I liked boys, girls, both, or neither. I tried to accommodate those questions, but sometimes felt a little put off by them. On other hand, I had transphobic relatives, who after I came out, tried to twist everything I said into something insane or perverted. If I ever tried to explain to them my sexual thoughts, they would have turned whatever I said into something I didn't really say, so I saw no reason to give them any additional ammunition.

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#7 [url]

May 16 17 3:08 PM

I agree with April and Emma, with one exception. Nobody has a right to know what arouses another -- except, perhaps, our sexual partners.

But even there, it's no so much a right as it is a privilege. If you think you have a right to know something about me, it means you think I have a duty to tell you. Which means, in turn, that you probably won't appreciate the fact that I have trusted you with the information.


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#8 [url]

May 16 17 4:26 PM

I guess if one is out in a 'scene' place its not unusual for someone to ask who you are into.. they might be trying to work out if they have a chance.. I'd be flattered! or mild exasperated on the 20th time of asking

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#9 [url]

May 16 17 5:50 PM

Kippi, "it's not all about you" pushes a button for me so I have to respond. I 100% agree with you but, that said, I've divulged my transgender nature to friends and family, and I must say that I looked forward to talking about what it is to learn and accept that one is trans, and how I feel about it. That is exactly what I would like to talk about if, for example, one of these people came out as pretty much anything: I'd be interested in them!


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#10 [url]

May 16 17 6:14 PM

Emma, I'm sorry if my phrasing upset you.

You're right, it is disappointing when friends and family don't seem to care about something that concerns us deeply. I've experienced that disappointment too often myself -- and I've used the "It's not always about me" mantra as a way to deal with it. It doesn't make the disappointment go away but it does provide a rationale for accepting reality and moving on.


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#11 [url]

May 16 17 8:43 PM

Hi Kippi,

I am confident that you didn't mean harm, but thank you for asking. That phrase has been used before to put me in a place so I'm just sensitive to it.

I agree that we need to just accept reality, and I pretty much have. As far as disappointment with others lack of interest, that's okay too. I don't want to push. And I'm grateful that I haven't received any hurt. All have been supportive. Maybe not so much when my back is turned? Hard to know so I assume everyone is sincere in their support.

This may not help your disappointment but I'd like to say that our sisterhood is about helping each other.

Thank you for your note,


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#12 [url]

May 16 17 9:41 PM

I am of two minds on this.

First, and foremost, I am a private person.  I prefer to keep to myself.  I am not "out" in anyway.  Not with my crossdreaming nor my sexuality.  I don't feel anyone has a right to know this about me unless I choose to  share it with them.  I think Kippi put it best, it is a privilege.

That said, I absolutely HATE the "trans" narrative.  That of a person who feels they are of one sex trapped in another sex's body.  A person who is always attracted to their own assigned sex.  A person who knew their gender was at odds with their bodies from as early as they can remember.  I feel, that had other trans-narratives been promoted I might have freed myself from my prison of denail at a much younger age.

I absolutely NEEDED to hear that not all transpeople understood their feeling from such a young age, that not all transpeople feel like a Girl in Boys body, and that these fantasy's I was/am having are common amoung transpeople.  But I never did.

I agree with Felix it is probably for the best for promoting trans right if our narrative is minimized; but I also feel that by doing this we are being thrown under the bus.  That confused crossdreamers are being abandoned and fed misinformation for convience.  

And I hate it.

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#13 [url]

May 17 17 9:03 AM

Totally agree with Emma on the "right to know" stuff. They don't have a right to know - this is your life! However I'd like to turn it around because I have come out to some people recently who only knew the male me and I can report a feeling that made ME feeling wonderful. It helped that they are a gay couple, totally accepting, so not much of a risk for rejection there - however I did not tell them for their benefit, I told them for mine.

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#14 [url]

May 17 17 9:15 AM

Vaydra wrote, "I absolutely NEEDED to hear that not all transpeople understood their feeling from such a young age"

I did not know anything when I was young - except that I occasionally fantasized about being female. I had gender dysphoria, but the only way I know that is from hindsight because I had no concept of it growing up. I suffered fits of depression over it but I did not know what to call it - I just needed to stay in bed for days sometimes because I just did not care anymore. I did not find girl's toys particularly preferable over boys toys - although my sister and I did set up play dates between her Barbie and my GI-Joe. :D

I did feel like a "lesser trans" when I first came out. It was really frustrating and when you layer on that the BS I was fed (AGP) meaning I either went full-time, got divorced, started dating men and went and got a secretary job (I and not even making this shit up) it meant I was not fully trans. Thank god we have moved on from that - also I am personally in a much better place now so smack talking beee-atches like Blair White do not bother me that much any more.

So I guess what I am trying to say is: "I hear you sister!"

*hugs* Bobbi

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#15 [url]

May 17 17 12:06 PM

I did 'crossdream' at 4 though my life path hasn't followed the typical path of all those 'really early identifiers' - obviously, because I'm still living as male...

I don't think anyone should feel a 'lesser' trans because of their path, though I think how far one takes transition will affect with whom one identifies

Personally I don't see myself as a lesser trans because I don't see myself as trans... the term crossdreamer describes me well enough

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#16 [url]

May 17 17 3:51 PM

There is no such thing as "lesser trans" although that gets challenged a little because the media is using the label transgender for celebrities such as Caitlyn, Laverne Cox, and Janet Mock. So, if we're not fully transitioned like them (or at least on our way) then we're 'lesser'? No way, my friend.

I've heard recently that "if you've met a transgender person you've met ONE transgender person" as if it's such a surprise that all trans people are different. Hmmm. Aren't men and women all different too?

For me knowing that I'm trans and thus under it's umbrella is fine as it gives me the latitude to explore and determine where I am on the spectrum. If I determine that I need to transition I will be a woman, simple as that. And if I don't, I'll always know that I'm transgender because, um yeah, that's the way I'm wired.

Sure, I didn't know when I was 4 how to rationalize what I was feeling. And just because 99.9% of the time I live as and present as male that doesn't make me less transgender either.

Same to you, Pip. We're all on our own paths and living our lives as best we can. If you're a crossdreamer then as far as I'm concerned you are transgender and you know where you are under the umbrella. I think that's wonderful. I'm sitting here now at a transformation salon outside of Portland wearing leggings, a top, and underneath a girdle with pads as well as a bra and breast forms. Why? Partly because we're going out to a dinner and to play pool tonight - which I'm so looking forward to - but mostly because I just want to experiment about how I feel living and presenting as female. Cause I just don't know where I am on that spectrum.

But I may be kidding myself even now. I love the way I feel at the moment. And the other day when I read that "we need to trust our gut instinct" and I wondered if I would want to transition the thought that popped up was: "Of course, who wouldn't?" My goodness, maybe I will. In the meantime I'm just going to have a nice dinner and a couple of drinks tonight and see how it all feels.

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#17 [url]

May 17 17 4:38 PM

"There is no such thing as "lesser trans" although that gets challenged a little because the media is using the label transgender for celebrities such as Caitlyn, Laverne Cox, and Janet Mock. So, if we're not fully transitioned like them (or at least on our way) then we're 'lesser'? No way, my friend." - Emma

I have run across trans people who would probably say that those 3 are examples of the lesser trans (especially Jenner and Cox). Those trans that think that way tend to be separatist types who believe that a "true trans" is is really a cis woman born in the wrong body. The main goal of such a person should be to become indistinguishable from any cis woman and to live quietly under the radar as ordinarily as possible. Those who thrive in their transness (such as me), or profit from their trans identity such as these 3 are the evil trans that they are trying to separate themselves from.

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