Oh, I see, well I think what caused the disconnect to happen again was just that it took a particular confluence of my cyclical biochemistry to achieve that state of peace and clarity, which was a state that couldn't be maintained long term, and may never be reached again without completely reversing my body chemistry.
Say I have a brain module that really really wants to be a girl, and another brain module that really really doesn't want to admit defeat, and the two continually fight it out, and my outward behaviour is usually a compromise between the two positions. Survive, don't lose face, protect your reputation, get at least some of what you want and some enjoyment out of life, do a good job etc.
Objectively I do not need to behave like a total slut, even if I want to be, even if my 'mirror neurons' trigger really strong copying desires when I'm around sexy girls. But, my female sexual orgasm response is really really mindblowingly strong, like someone could literally fuck my brains out and I'd absolutely love it physically, but I'm equally determined never to submit to another man, and put myself at that kind of physical risk, so I never let it happen in real life.
It's possible to get by with that kind of compromise in place, but not indefinetly, basically about once a year I really really need to have an orgasm somehow, or I'll go into a spiral of paranoia or depression, but I can't do anything to myself to make it happen, and for a long time the 'best' thing I could do was binge eat a whole large pizza from somewhere, follow it with a bunch of ice cream and go watch a movie or something, something to totally futz with my bodychemistry and let my mind escape for a couple of hours.
I can use my willpower to choose not to behave how I emotionally want, but I can't will myself into behaving how I emotionally don't want, if that makes any sense. I just don't get those kinds of emotional drives to beat anyone else, not sexually, not physically, nor even sublimated into things like office gossip or computer games. I don't care, I can't learn, that stuff just isn't in my head, ok, I guess I have some small urges for revenge, and I have on occasion pinched other peopls stuff when I thought they wouldn't notice, but the idea of ever doing something to prove how physically strong/tough I am just never ever enters my head. I play computer games to have adventures that I can't have in real life, and to act in ways that I can't in real life, like actually being a pole dancer, or rocking out in rock band or something, but not because I want to get a higher score than the guy down the road.
So you can strongly motivate me with reverse psychology, accuse me of being wrong or less than perfect, and if it's in an area I pride myself in, I will fight tooth and nail to prove I am right, even if nearly kills me, I will try to prove I am right, try to maintain my self-percieved innocence, and try to do the 'right' thing, but don't expect me to enjoy watching other people play football, it ain't never going to happen, I'd rather see a broadway show.
Those kinds of experiential/emotional-response/and perceptual filter parts of my personality are fixed and immutable as far as I can tell, and not the result of any kind of social experiences after birth.