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I'm a hyperneurotic 28 year old male from Spain. My sexuality was abnormal since I was aware of it; I'm definitely attracted to girls, but I never had the sort of very visual sexuality other boys had; neither did I understand this sort of "mounting" or "penetration" instinct that some people seem to have (that many, really? I don't believe it); I never had any direct desire to penetrate. I could add a couple of more things, but that would probably be reading too much into the braggings of 13 year old boys. I've been afraid of being gay several times.
Gender bending fantasies became my main source of sexual arousal for masturbation since I was 14 or so, after a short period when I used other type of transformations, but they (or their shadow, if you know what I mean) had been there since before adolescence. After years and years trying to condition myself into something more "normal" and a hell of psychological problems with shame and guilt I ended up surrendering to them in a way. During that time I desperately tried to come up with theories explaining that kind of arousal in the hope to be able to manipulate it. For example, I thought at some point it could be simply explained as a result of my "transformation fetish" adding up with a regular heterosexual attraction for the feminine and that if I could just imagine myself being magically turned into a hot masculine guy by some witch lover or something and achieve (by the same additive principle) a superior level of arousal, then after a few iterations I could condition myself out of feminization((. Well, not that I couldn't get any sort of sexual satisfaction with such ideas, but in the end they all failed catastrophically. The brutal invasiveness of crossdreaming during sleep and even in waken life had to do, so I thought, with addiction to sexual pleasure (dopamine, blah, blah ) and the fear of the fantasies themselves, my need to control them. Despite it all seemed like a sexual thing, honestly speaking, the fear of "ending up" transsexual was there since early on.
Eventually, when I was already in university, I gathered the guts to do some research on the internet about the subject. I was presented with two opposing theories (my hysteric reading back then):
a) I was a repressed transwoman who was going to transition sooner or later.
b) I was a narcissistic autogynephilic pervert who would never be able to love somebody, the dopamine yoke over his soul heavier and heavier with each passing year.
[ I found the particular way Blanchard et. al. formulated their theory pretty weak, though; I always felt this "magic transformation component" in my sexuality -sadly fading away these days- was something special, and very abstract, neither male nor female and I was frankly disappointed that all these so called experts didn't even know of its existence. But anyhow. ]
During one of these few obsessive research sessions I had from time to time I came to experience my first "holy shit, I am a woman, now everything makes sense" epiphany. It took two days for the thing to return (or be brought back) to order. I wrote off the whole thing as a delusion resulting from my excessive readings; social contagion. But the feelings were definitely very strong at the moment; so strong that the first reassuring self-talk that popped up in my mind was: "but I can just keep living like usual, like a spy on a mission; it will be fun! right?".
All of this probably contributed to me not entering into any relationship in the whole time. At some point I stopped caring about my fantasies. I stopped reading anything behind them or fearing their addictive power. I keeped them sketchy, disconnected. I kept them within the strictly masturbatory sphere and I treated masturbation as something purely functional: a quick and clean emptying of my prostate at regular intervals. A minor vice, like someone who goes smoke his cigarette everyday at six. Things started getting under control... At least real bad depression was over.
I even managed to enter a brief and sexless but very enriching relationship with a girl at some point. I discovered that I could be very aroused not by the sight of a girl's body (until today I've been always incapable of masturbating to images) but by the courtship game, the words that came out of her mouth, the implied meanings, the little gestures. I wasn't doomed to sexual solipsism!!
I couldn't erotically fantasize about that because there is a certain degree of "otherness" one's mind can simply not simulate. It's like trying to tickle yourself, you moron!!
Finally, I was normal enough to live a normal life!! Well, not so fast. I got out of the relationship, for reasons mainly to do with geography. Also my life turned a corner, leaving me with a midlife crisis of sorts. I concluded that on which I had been working for several years. I felt completely empty, and maybe not only due to my failure to produce something of any worth. A few months later, 7-8 years after the first, the second epiphany came. And I'm not so sure what to think anymore. I started seriously looking for (repressed) gender variance or even gender dysphoria in myself and I did find a few things. I'm confused and drained.
That was a bit long, sorry. I actually left out a lot of relevant stuff.
Nice to meet you all! I love the free-thinking spirit of this place. :-))
Last Edited By: oreb . Edited 1 time