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Greetinggz.

I'm a hyperneurotic 28 year old male from Spain. My sexuality was abnormal since I was aware of it; I'm definitely attracted to girls, but I never had the sort of very visual sexuality other boys had; neither did I understand this sort of "mounting" or "penetration" instinct that some people seem to have (that many, really? I don't believe it); I never had any direct desire to penetrate. I could add a couple of more things, but that would probably be reading too much into the braggings of 13 year old boys. I've been afraid of being gay several times.

Gender bending fantasies became my main source of sexual arousal for masturbation since I was 14 or so, after a short period when I used other type of transformations, but they (or their shadow, if you know what I mean) had been there since before adolescence. After years and years trying to condition myself into something more "normal" and a hell of psychological problems with shame and guilt I ended up surrendering to them in a way. During that time I desperately tried to come up with theories explaining that kind of arousal in the hope to be able to manipulate it. For example, I thought at some point it could be simply explained as a result of my "transformation fetish" adding up with a regular heterosexual attraction for the feminine and that if I could just imagine myself being magically turned into a hot masculine guy by some witch lover or something and achieve (by the same additive principle) a superior level of arousal, then after a few iterations I could condition myself out of feminization((. Well, not that I couldn't get any sort of sexual satisfaction with such ideas, but in the end they all failed catastrophically.  The brutal invasiveness of crossdreaming during sleep and even in waken life had to do, so I thought, with addiction to sexual pleasure (dopamine, blah, blah ) and the fear of the fantasies themselves, my need to control them. Despite it all seemed like a sexual thing, honestly speaking, the fear of "ending up" transsexual was there since early on.

Eventually, when I was already in university, I gathered the guts to do some research on the internet about the subject. I was presented with two opposing theories (my hysteric reading back then):
a) I was a repressed transwoman who was going to transition sooner or later.
b) I was a narcissistic autogynephilic pervert who would never be able to love somebody, the dopamine yoke over his soul heavier and heavier with each passing year.
[ I found the particular way Blanchard et. al. formulated their theory pretty weak, though; I always felt this "magic transformation component" in my sexuality -sadly fading away these days- was something special, and very abstract, neither male nor female and I was frankly disappointed that all these so called experts didn't even know of its existence. But anyhow. ]
During one of these few obsessive research sessions I had from time to time I came to experience my first "holy shit, I am a woman, now everything makes sense" epiphany. It took two days for the thing to return (or be brought back) to order. I wrote off the whole thing as a delusion resulting from my excessive readings; social contagion. But the feelings were definitely very strong at the moment; so strong that the first reassuring self-talk that popped up in my mind was: "but I can just keep living like usual, like a spy on a mission; it will be fun! right?".    

All of this probably contributed to me not entering into any relationship in the whole time. At some point I stopped caring about my fantasies. I stopped reading anything behind them or fearing their addictive power. I keeped them sketchy, disconnected. I kept them within the strictly masturbatory sphere and I treated masturbation as something purely functional: a quick and clean emptying of my prostate at regular intervals. A minor vice, like someone who goes smoke his cigarette everyday at six. Things started getting under control...  At least real bad depression was over.

I even managed to enter a brief and sexless but very enriching relationship with a girl at some point. I discovered that I could be very aroused not by the sight of a girl's body (until today I've been always incapable of masturbating to images) but by the courtship game, the words that came out of her mouth, the implied meanings, the little gestures. I wasn't doomed to sexual solipsism!!
I couldn't erotically fantasize about that because there is a certain degree of "otherness" one's mind can simply not simulate. It's like trying to tickle yourself, you moron!!
 Finally, I was normal enough to live a normal life!! Well, not so fast. I got out of the relationship, for reasons mainly to do with geography. Also my life turned a corner, leaving me with a midlife crisis of sorts. I concluded that on which I had been working for several years. I felt completely empty, and maybe not only due to my failure to produce something of any worth. A few months later, 7-8 years after the first, the second epiphany came. And I'm not so sure what to think anymore. I started seriously looking for (repressed) gender variance or even gender dysphoria in myself and I did find a few things. I'm confused and drained.

That was a bit long, sorry. I actually left out a lot of relevant stuff. 

Nice to meet you all! I love the free-thinking spirit of this place.  :-))

Last Edited By: oreb . Edited 1 time

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#1 [url]

Hi Oreb,

It's nice to meet you too, it is a great place to talk about our feelings and our fantasies without shame or guilt. I have found this site has relived me of the burden of feeling bad about my thoughts and feelings.
I think often when we first look at these feelings in ourselves we unscientificly put the desire result first, "this is just a fetish, I don't want to be transgender", but to be honest in evaluating ourselves we kneed to acknowledge that this is a real possibility. For me the difficulty was due to feeling like this lead to a fixed outcome, however I have since learned that how I express and live with my gender and feeling is up to me.
I hope you can find some enlightening answers on this journey

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#2 [url]

Nice to meet you Oreb,


Your experiences are incredibly similar to my own.  From a lack of any "mounting" instict, to a lack of relationships, uncertainty about my own sexuality, to thinking my crossdreaming was only a transformation fetish.  I would say many of us went through the same thing in one way or another.  Anyway, welcome to CDL!

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#3 [url]

HI Oreb

Thanks for your story - I'd say it was about average length for introduction posts here. I know what you mean about leaving out stuff but I'm sure you'll able to include all that in future posts either on this thread or others.

I identified with that you said about penetration. I remember when I was first told by my younger sister what penetration is all about, I was about 7 or 8, I remember thinking 'I'm sure I'll marry one day but I hope my future wife won't mind if we don't bother with that sort of stuff)... in what one might call my sexual peak years - in thought terms, never actual activity - I see kind of see the point of penetration more but as a secondary thought. Even now when I think of a woman I like my thoughts are more about being together, two souls joined in understanding, rather than naked lust!

I enjoyed reading about the friendship you had. I'd look back on that with fondness and a good thing. Its sad it came to an end, but romantic friendships don't always last, however they are done, esp if there is a geography issue!

I look forward tto reading more of your [posts or maybe chatting in the chat room. (If you want to use th e chat room, be warned it doesn't always work. If you are in but your words are not showing, leave and re-enter... that only happens about 2-5% of the time)

Pip

(Your Chat room mod)

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#5 [url]

PipX wrote:
I identified with that you said about penetration. I remember when I was first told by my younger sister what penetration is all about, I was about 7 or 8, I remember thinking 'I'm sure I'll marry one day but I hope my future wife won't mind if we don't bother with that sort of stuff)... in what one might call my sexual peak years - in thought terms, never actual activity - I see kind of see the point of penetration more but as a secondary thought. Even now when I think of a woman I like my thoughts are more about being together, two souls joined in understanding, rather than naked lust!

I enjoyed reading about the friendship you had. I'd look back on that with fondness and a good thing. Its sad it came to an end, but romantic friendships don't always last, however they are done, esp if there is a geography issue!

 

Well, I would call what I experience lust, just not attached to a wish to go and bang the other person and triggered much more by words, situations than by raw physicality. It sadly didn't work. Distance relationships are very hard, especially when both partners carry intimacy issues with them.
I remember this time when my 13 year old friends started talking about masturbation. At some point I decided it was my turn to jump in and prove how normal I was and I made a bit of an insane comment on visualizing the female in your mind as if in different film planes (I don't now, man, I thought this stuff was all about watching). The guy in front of me then said that, of course, he imagined having sex with the girl. In retrospect that was the obvious right answer, but back them I was a bit mindblown. Also somewhat alarmed that I could expose my weirdness in such a stupid way so easily.
 At the time I thought most of the other boys were simply putting a facade when describing their own sexuality. I still think many were. But it turns out that many lesbians and FtM people have penetrating fantasies and even mounting sexual behaviour, so it seems safe to assume it is a very standard "masculine" trait.

Had someone asked my younger self about my sexuality and that of others I could very well have adapted the Rick and Morty quote:  «And even if he knew, he wouldn't comprehend them. I have dwelt among the normal boys. Their entire culture is built around their penises...»

Good to know you found a way to freedom, Marney.
Thank you all for the warm welcome.  :-))
 

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#7 [url]

oreb wrote:
 Had someone asked my younger self about my sexuality and that of others I could very well have adapted the Rick and Morty quote:  «And even if he knew, he wouldn't comprehend them. I have dwelt among the normal boys. Their entire culture is built around their penises...»

I can relate to this.  

We had a teacher at my highschool who was very attractive, and I constantly heard other boys making lewd comments on how they wanted to bang her and I just couldn't relate.  I could understand and see that she was a very attractive person but the act that they wanted to do repulsed me if anything.  

Years later in college I heard a boy friend complain about his girlfriend (who was sitting right next to him and nodding) being weird because she found genitals of all kinds disgusting but that she thought sex was "interesting."  I found that an extremely interesting thought.  

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#8 [url]

Welcome, oreb! Hope, you gonna find conclusive answers.

Your mind is software. Program it.

Your body is a shell. Change it.
Death is a disease. Cure it.
Extinction is approaching. Fight it!

© "Eclipse Phase" by Posthuman Studios

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