So, this was the video. Basically, when I look at girls, photos and pictures, for the most part I just appreciate aethetics. There are unique cases, but more importantly, there are no video above, that make me think of crossdreaming. I can be hooked by narrative, by a story, by first person transformation and immersion into being girl. But watching just tweaks other things.
But this video. Maybe someone on this forum linked and I opened it once or it's just result of me watching some trans videos, an hour ago or something it just popped out on my youtube and I was, like: Ok, why not.
This video makes me, but not just thinking. I told you I'm aroused by crossdreaming, and crossdreaming is big part of my sexual preference, but once in a while... a story or something, like that emerges, which makes me mentally euphoric. I don't much experience body dysphoria in my everyday life, but I may say, that I don't become sexually motivated by my body image. I can appreciate aesthetic or hate lack of it. (I am lazy and eat too much, it isn't horrible yet, but it is a problem), but there is no 'Oh, if I'd look stronger, I'd felt so much better talking to that girl, or could've seduce everyone' etc. Nothing like that. It's just is. My body. I could've look, like gray genderless robot casing and it wouldn't bother me at all (I think).
What I feel, like watching this video is a lot like warmth, spreading through my chest. It is pleasant feeling, very different from my tiny sting of discontent, which I felt during crossdream induced masturbation, trying to find body parts, which I don't have.
What this pleasant feeling means? What's its name? Hope? Happiness? Euphoria?... It makes me think about, what I would've been content with. What would've make me a happier person.
I'm glad for that person, yes, but more importantly.. this feels like anchor. Something to divide myself from my utterly unrealistic dreams. It's also in a way, a show of best case scenario. Without all the bad things, all the sacrifices and struggles. But it is also monument, made by someone who did went all the way and still is happy. Maybe, it's not my anchor. Not my reality, not my future, not my dream.
But, if I will decide to stay as het-male crossdreamer, I want it to be informed, solid decision. I want to be happy either way. Not spend my days sorrow in among a graveyard of shattered dreams. I want to be sure, about what I want for me. I decided, that I want to make my career something I really like doing early on. I still working on that part, but now I want to be sure, that I will be happy...
Does this video make me think of crossdreaming? Yeah. A lot.