Tags : :
I recall confusion back to when I was probably 4 or 5. I didn't feel like a boy. I didn't like sports, so didn't connect with other boys easily. My body made me wonder; my butt was big and my shoulders weren't, so I felt like I was shaped more like a girl. I discovered my mother's lingerie drawer, and enjoyed trying things on when I was home alone.
I recall a sleepover in a friends basement very fondly. We had gone to bed and he thought I was asleep, so he started sucking my penis. I was too young to orgasm, but it felt very good, and I enjoyed the submissive feeling of being taken over by him.
After hitting puberty, I discovered masturbation. I enjoyed this, but generally didn't have fantasies about penetrative sex. I think masturbation became an escape from my feelings. It felt very good and I didn't have to think about what was really going on in me. I often have fantasies where I am the submissive person.
I dated girls and my first sexual contact was mutual masturbation. My first opportunities for intercourse were not successful, in that I could not keep an erection for penetration. While I have since been able to "perform" with other women, I have continued to have difficulty keeping and erection throughout my adult life. In recent years, I have wondered if this was my body's way of telling me I am in the wrong role. My sexual confusion has brought me to have some gay sex as well. While I don't necessarily like men, I do think I like the idea of him being in control of me.
As I have continued to deal with these feelings as an adult, I dig deeper and look for answers. I am glad to run across your site, and hope to learn more about myself through your experiences. Thanks!