Where does this certainty come from? What is your system?
Well I guess it's complicated, or at least, it was complicated to work out, but not really complicated to understand.
It's more a matter of deprogramming yourself more than it is learning.
Are the mind and the body the same thing? Do we have an ethereal 'spirit' that 'inhabits' a physical fleshy body, or do we just have a 'brain' which is the seat of our personality, and what is personality anyway and how does it form, and why are people so completely different from one another?
My parents kind of belonged to different 'classes', my mum was kind of middle class and falling, while my dad was working class and rising. So in a sense he married up and she married down. (They might not agree with that, but it kind of felt like that to me, in terms of the relative wealth of her relatives vs. his at least).
The concept of that difference of classes/cultures has been one of my abiding fascinations during my life, what is it exactly, how does it come about, is it actually 'nature or nurture' that people divide themselves like that, and can and 'should' something be done about it, or are we just destined to be so unequal?
At the same time, well I was kind of brought up to be 'left wing', to believe in inequality as something that shouldn't really exist, and only did exist because people had historically been really mean and exploited each other, and so we are left in a country with a landed gentry on the one hand and so-called 'sink-estates' on the other. Some people eat caviar and go skiing in Switzerland every year, while another lot just get drunk and have fights every Friday night and live on minimum wages, or nowadays 'zero-hours contracts', and even benefits, and an awful lot of people seem to think that's just how things should be. That the people that have more deserve it because they just worked harder, and everyone could work just as hard, so the people that don't have it clearly didn't work hard enough, and so don't deserve it.
But that left-wing ideology, also kind of leads to the belief that we are originally 'created equally' and then by difficult circumstances and cultures that are inflicted on us, we are pushed so far apart as to be effectively unable to communicate with each other by the time we are 30, and so as to almost live in totally parallel realities.
It's one of the reasons I've always loved Pygmalion / My Fair Lady, (and I guess things like Educating Rita and Blood Brothers), as it shows how someone can be taught a different culture from their parents circumstances and can change their position/outlook, though with some difficulty. It's like, I have competing instincts going off in my head now, one part says I should be in charge, I've earned the right through education and intellect to decide what should happen for other people, and so as to at least present an image of perfection I should guard my so-called reputation/respectability jealously, and behave appropriately not only in public but also in private.
Another really strong part of me wonders why I should care so much. I'm an aspie/tranny right, I have no social skills or charisma apparently, like people probably only talk to me to be nice and make me feel better, not because they actually want to, so 'respectability' wise, I'm already bottom of the heap through a mistake of biology, so why not enjoy just being slovenly, or slutty, or sexy, and get to do what I want, and why is it my responsibility to guide other people when I really don't have much of a better idea in my head than anyone else what I should be doing, let alone anyone else?https://ianology.wordpress.com/2013/05/15/in-which-queer/https://ianology.wordpress.com/2017/03/04/on-being-myself-and-other-animal-traps/#more-505
Kinky Boots Trailer:
I watch that stuff and I want to be that person, or I wish I was brave enough to be that person, because ever since I was 6 or 7 I've been longing to have a pair of thigh-high glossy boots like that. I mean, I did a regular male voice choir concert on Saturday night, and my 'stage shoes' currently have a bit of heel that's quite about 1/2 inch and quite solid, and just walking between the concert hall and the car park it goes 'clack-clack-clack' on the pavement, and there I am, wondering what it would really feel like to have 6 inch platforms on and be showing off my legs.
Only now I have size 10 feet, so I can't exactly go into a shop and pick them off the shelf somewhere, and I'd have to go mail-order them from a specialist tranny supplier, and somehow that just spoils the whole idea of what was supposed to be a bit of freedom being something that is 'kinky' and has to be done in secret.
Well I was in choirs through school and at my local church growing up, and one of the perks was that as well as getting ~50p a week for turning up every Sunday, if we did the wedding services on Saturdays through the summer we got up to £5 a time, which when I was 12 still seemed like a lot of money. So I guess I went to quite a lot of strangers weddings and heard the same service being given multiple times, so much so that I practically memorised all the words..
So where I might not actually believe in 'God', I do kind of believe in this..
We have come together in the presence of God, to witness the marriage of N and N, to ask his blessing on them, and to share in their joy. Our Lord Jesus Christ was himself a guest at a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and through his Spirit he is with us now.
The Bible teaches us that marriage is a gift of God in creation and a means of his grace, a holy mystery in which man and woman become one flesh. It is God's purpose that, as husband and wife give themselves to each other in love throughout their lives, they shall be united in that love as Christ is united with his Church.
Marriage is given, that husband and wife may comfort and help each other, living faithfully together in need and in plenty, in sorrow and in joy. It is given, that with delight and tenderness they may know each other in love, and, through the joy of their bodily union, may strengthen the union of their hearts and lives. It is given as the foundation of family life in which children may be born and nurtured in accordance with God's will, to his praise and glory.
In marriage husband and wife belong to one another, and they begin a new life together in the community. It is a way of life that all should honour; and it must not be undertaken carelessly, lightly, or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly, and after serious thought.
This is the way of life, created and hallowed by God, that N and N are now to begin. They will each give their consent to the other; they will join hands and exchange solemn vows, and in token of this they will [each] give and receive a ring. Therefore, on this their wedding day we pray with them, that, strengthened and guided by God, they may fulfil his purpose for the whole of their earthly life together.
reverently, responsibly, and after serious thought
Not, 'well I guess that sex thing doesn't really apply to me, as I'll probably always prefer to be penetrated than do the penetrating', but if I get married at all it has to be to a woman who is expecting me to be 'the man', or else my family will disown me and I'll lose my job and so forth, and somehow I will always just have to forever resist the strong temptation to dress up and prance around in my wife's bra or whatever, and god only knows what it'll be like when we have kids and they wonder why their dad doesn't take them to football matches and things..
Because I think far too many people are already getting divorced far too easily, and I don't want to be one of them, and if there is anyone you ever want to be entirely honest, even if it can't be your parents, it's with the person you actually marry, because at least in our culture that close relationship is supposed to be an entirely free choice and not inflicted on you by circumstances or someone else.
Erm, that wasn't exactly what I was aiming for when I started, maybe I'll come back a bit later and add some more details of actual neurology and shit...