#41 [url]

May 14 17 11:51 AM

I do believe that once one chooses a permanent name for oneself, that it is major event in one's journey. Once you give a name to your dreams, everything becomes a lot more concrete. But I have noticed that many here refer to their female selves in 3rd person, and by doing so, keep a boundary of sorts between that persona and the rest of their lives. I don't recall if I did that in the beginning, but I probably did for a while. Once one integrates that personality into the rest of oneself by putting "I am" in front of a name, something rather magical happens. Yet I wouldn't recommend it, because it is likely to open a Pandora's box for many, from which you may never escape. It did my case, but I like not being able to escape.

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#42 [url]

May 14 17 12:18 PM

April wrote:
Once one integrates that personality into the rest of oneself by putting "I am" in front of a name, something rather magical happens.  Yet I wouldn't recommend it, because it is likely to open a Pandora's box for many, from which you may never escape. It did my case, but I like not being able to escape.

 
Interesting twist on an old story.  Pandora opened the box out of irresistable curiosity, and when she did all the troubles and cares that had been kept inside flew away to bedevil humankind ever since.  The only thing left in the box was hope -- and now here's April putting us into the box with it, and telling us there's no escape.  

The moral of the revised story?  For us trans people, hope is eternal.  

Or is it that if we can accept everything implied in that "I am" all our troubles and cares will fly away? 

Either way, it works for me!  image

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#43 [url]

May 14 17 1:09 PM

Kippi, For decades, my entire life was about building me these unsurmountable walls, and putting my life into compartments to keep things going in a particular direction. Slowly, I started taking down those walls one brick at a time.Those bricks were tiny but significant acts such accepting that the April part of me was me. Whenever I did something like that, I found that the walls came crumbling down around me. Perhaps a Pandora's box is not the right analogy here. I was already in a box from which I found libdration

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#44 [url]

May 14 17 7:59 PM

April wrote:
I do believe that once one chooses a permanent name for oneself, that it is major event in one's journey. Once you give a name to your dreams, everything becomes a lot more concrete. But I have noticed that many here refer to their female selves in 3rd person, and by doing so, keep a boundary of sorts between that persona and the rest of their lives. I don't recall if I did that in the beginning, but I probably did for a while. Once one integrates that personality into the rest of oneself by putting "I am" in front of a name, something rather magical happens. Yet I wouldn't recommend it, because it is likely to open a Pandora's box for many, from which you may never escape. It did my case, but I like not being able to escape.
There are two reasons in my case. I have started to talk about myself in third person on this site due to all the wordly issues and ideological battles that have to be fought here of late. Stuff that relates to this reality and deals with the survival of our civilization. And yeah, concrete stuff like avoiding more white women getting raped by swarthy men than already is the case. It's man stuff so you better face it as a man, and I loathe having to do it. So even if this site is called "Crossdream Life" and you get the impression it ought to be a haven for some part of you that you cannot display in public, I have begun to use third person in order to separate my female self from the outer male person that I'm forced to use on a day to day basis. So you guys know who is doing the talking at the moment.

The other reason is the one you describe. If I opened that Pandora's box the little foothold I have left of public human decency would collapse and I would end up a shunned and isolated freak by friends and family and people around me who have invested in me and rely upon me. I just don't need the pain, not to mention theirs. In sum, I can only become Monique after I'm dead. It's what I'm waiting for. I hope I get to die as soon as possible so at last I can be free.

"We live only to discover beauty. All else is a form of waiting."

- Khalil Gibran


If I cannot be a feminine traditional woman, what's the point of being a woman?

- Me

Last Edited By: Monique May 14 17 8:03 PM. Edited 3 times.

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#45 [url]

May 14 17 10:19 PM

Monique wrote:
There are two reasons in my case. I have started to talk about myself in third person on this site due to all the wordly issues and ideological battles that have to be fought here of late. Stuff that relates to this reality and deals with the survival of our civilization. And yeah, concrete stuff like avoiding more white women getting raped by swarthy men than already is the case. It's man stuff so you better face it as a man, and I loathe having to do it. So even if this site is called "Crossdream Life" and you get the impression it ought to be a haven for some part of you that you cannot display in public, I have begun to use third person in order to separate my female self from the outer male person that I'm forced to use on a day to day basis. So you guys know who is doing the talking at the moment.

The other reason is the one you describe. If I opened that Pandora's box the little foothold I have left of public human decency would collapse and I would end up a shunned and isolated freak by friends and family and people around me who have invested in me and rely upon me. I just don't need the pain, not to mention theirs. In sum, I can only become Monique after I'm dead. It's what I'm waiting for. I hope I get to die as soon as possible so at last I can be free.


I am sorry, I can be thick sometimes.  What is it about the ideological battles here that force you to use Monique as a third person?  Why do you have to face these issues as a man, at least here?  Why can't you be Monique?  I get into those battles from time to time and I still am mostly Vaydra here.  

And, forgive me but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least say something, but waiting to die to be free is a horrible gamble.  There is no guarentee of an afterlife, and if there is one it might not even be anything like what humans have conceived.  It is possible that you could end up losing any chance of being yourself at all.  

I am not saying that you should risk losing all you hold dear, but at the very least you should find somewhere you can let this part of yourself out.  In this life.  

I know we are coming from near polar opposites ideological points, but we still do share this condition.  In in a way, all of you know and understand a part of me in a way no one else can.  A part of me that I can never reveal to anyone I know in my offline life.  So, hearing you say that you can only be you after you die, I don't know what to say.

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#46 [url]

May 15 17 5:41 AM

Lost247365 wrote:

Monique wrote:There are two reasons in my case. I have started to talk about myself in third person on this site due to all the wordly issues and ideological battles that have to be fought here of late. Stuff that relates to this reality and deals with the survival of our civilization. And yeah, concrete stuff like avoiding more white women getting raped by swarthy men than already is the case. It's man stuff so you better face it as a man, and I loathe having to do it. So even if this site is called "Crossdream Life" and you get the impression it ought to be a haven for some part of you that you cannot display in public, I have begun to use third person in order to separate my female self from the outer male person that I'm forced to use on a day to day basis. So you guys know who is doing the talking at the moment.

The other reason is the one you describe. If I opened that Pandora's box the little foothold I have left of public human decency would collapse and I would end up a shunned and isolated freak by friends and family and people around me who have invested in me and rely upon me. I just don't need the pain, not to mention theirs. In sum, I can only become Monique after I'm dead. It's what I'm waiting for. I hope I get to die as soon as possible so at last I can be free.

 

I am sorry, I can be thick sometimes.  What is it about the ideological battles here that force you to use Monique as a third person?  Why do you have to face these issues as a man, at least here?  Why can't you be Monique?  I get into those battles from time to time and I still am mostly Vaydra here.  

And, forgive me but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least say something, but waiting to die to be free is a horrible gamble.  There is no guarentee of an afterlife, and if there is one it might not even be anything like what humans have conceived.  It is possible that you could end up losing any chance of being yourself at all.  

I am not saying that you should risk losing all you hold dear, but at the very least you should find somewhere you can let this part of yourself out.  In this life.  


I know we are coming from near polar opposites ideological points, but we still do share this condition.  In in a way, all of you know and understand a part of me in a way no one else can.  A part of me that I can never reveal to anyone I know in my offline life.  So, hearing you say that you can only be you after you die, I don't know what to say.









 

MTFs! Stop talking like this!
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When pictures are worth a thousand words.......

Last Edited By: lal2828 . Edited 1 time.

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#48 [url]

If I opened that Pandora's box the little foothold I have left of public human decency would collapse and I would end up a shunned and isolated freak by friends and family and people around me who have invested in me and rely upon me. I just don't need the pain, not to mention theirs. In sum, I can only become Monique after I'm dead. It's what I'm waiting for. I hope I get to die as soon as possible so at last I can be free.

This is bad. Very bad. And I feel for you. I kept my own "inner woman" secret for years and years out of fear of disappointing others, so I know the feeling and I know why you are doing it this way.

I take it that you expect no understanding or acceptance if you came out to any of them, and since they rely on you and your male persona in their (troubled?) lives you sacrifice yourself. Many transgender people have made that sacrifice, but it is a horrible price to pay. Often crossdreamers find that they cannot pay that price, because their own unhappiness seeps through anyway, and colors the lives of the others (as it should, if you ask me).

And I must say that I am starting to question the very premise for this: Why should the transgender person be the one to sacrifice all happiness on the altar of others? Would any of us ask a person we love to live in pain for the rest of their life simply because it is convenient? I do not think we would.

Whatever embarassment they will feel because of you being any shade of transgender is nothing compared to what you feel now. And from your latest comment, it seems the chances are that you are severely gender dysphoric, and that is a well know condition that both researchers, health personell and trans people know does not go away by itself. 

I am not saying that you should leave your family and friends and start transitioning. I have no way of knowing what is the best solution for you, given your specific life situation. But I know from my own experience that having at least one close family member or friend that knows about your feeling and accept you for what you are makes a huge difference. And if that is not possible, find a room for your feelings somewhere else, including CDL, a therapist or relevant local groups or organizations. (The fact that you and I disagree on politics does not mean that we do not see eye to eye on what it means to be like we are and feel like we do.)

Your Monique side is now demanding to be heard, as she should. You may interpret her insistence as a call from God or a message from Nature, but her call is real, and she won't be denied, at least not fully. And any room you can give her will help. I know from my own experience that this is true. Monique deserves to be heard in this life and not only the next.

Hold on to life. As long as there is life there is a chance that things will change in your neighborhood. A  new friend may appear. A family member may change. You may meet someone who opens a door to new opportunities. A movie, a book, a conversations may turn your friends around. I have experienced this over and over again: Change opens doors.Death, on the other hand, closes doors and makes life so much harder for those left behind.

Forget about the politics. We are much closer than that in what really  matters: Love and respect for who we truly are.



 

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#49 [url]

Monique, Like Jack, I feel terribly sad for you, but I understand more than you might think here. For decades my life was a rather well planed and a highly detailed construction. Everything I did, and I mean absolutely everything, involved considering how it fit into an image I was trying very hard to create and maintain. Things that didn't fit well into that were pushed deep into closets. Of course, my gender issues were very much in that category. I was so into creating a legend that I fooled myself in believing it was what I really all about, but a lot of it was always a lie.

I did some of that out of a sense of duty, but a duty to what or whom? I believe now much of it can be attributed to the rather strained relationship I always had with my father, who always found me wanting. I was driven to prove something to him and felt anything that got in the way of that was something I had to control or hide.

But in trying to prove something to my dad, and maybe even a few others who underestimated me, I let them dictate the agenda of my life. I got deep into middle age before I realized how really unhappy that was making me, and more importantly, the shear futility of it all. It’s pretty impossible to accomplish anything lasting based on smoke and mirrors. When I started taking down just a few of those walls, there was an ongoing implosion of the rest. That's because lies are not lasting.

I guess I could have transitioned in a way that might have gained me a little bit more support and sympathy from those closest to me. I know many late transitioning trans who try very very hard to maintain most of their old lives in just a different package. But I made a decision to be not just a woman, but to be exactly me in every way, and that was very far from where I was before. My own sister once said to me that she could almost buy into “the whole girl thing”, if the new girl vaguely resembled the old guy. It seemed to her that an alien had kidnapped me, and that old guy had completely vanished.

But I did this for me, and I was going to be all of me this time. In the end, I felt no duty to anybody other than my wife, with whom I had made a commitment. And honestly, I didn’t care what anybody else really thought, including my blood relatives. It’s my life, and I owe no explanations of apologies for what makes me happy. Happiness is vastly more important than duty.

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