#21 [url]

May 14 17 1:32 PM

I remember having this dream, I must have been five or six (or maybe 7?), where I found myself on my way to the park dressed as a girl. A couple of boys then appeared, at which point some confused thoughts and feelings ensued just before waking up. It feels like some sort of "what if?" randomly generated by my mind more than anything else.
( I was much more comfortable and spent more time in the company of girls when I was 3-4. I particularly loved to playing animal role games with them, oh my... Although one has to say were sometimes a bit too sleepy for my taste, the reason behind my repeated painful attempts to connect with the aggressive treacherous bastards of my own sex was probably the mere certainty, clear as water, that I was a boy too and wanting to be accepted as such by the other boys. )

It's really hard to see that dream as something other than exploratory. The first real foreshadowing of all the shit to come I can remember now took place when I was 9/10. While watching a Disney movie I found myself somehow wishing to be the princess and rather than her dull prince pretender and his assertive pretending. That was... wrong, so I tried to force myself into the "dude" role, but I kept going back to wishing I was the princess. Should I mention that the princess was a forced shape shifter? I think I should. XD Aha! That's the reason why I wanted to be the princess, I thought, not to mention that the guy is dumb as hell and not the protagonist. Let us forget that this has ever happened and wait for more magical-transformation-gender-equality-aware Disney scriptwriters. And so I did. (I don't remember experiencing sexual arousal until 3-4 years later -I was a bit of a late bloomer-, but there might have been some I was unaware of at the time) 

[ my English is far from perfect, sorry ]

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#23 [url]

May 14 17 4:39 PM

I used to wear women's blouses and cross dress with my gang of bullies in Central Park all the time. They were bastards too, and I did nothing but get knocked around. I learned a little like I really had no liking for the grateful dead after seeing them 23 times. We used to go to gay bars, but undressing for sex with men still scared me, or maybe it was just the environment. Once again like midnight movies I thought gay was cool but I would just get hurt. As a busboy I imagine I went down orally on he whole staff, but somehow that was kept apart from my drinking buddies. They were what leads and leads to an illness for me just a sickness of mind, body and spirit. I suppose it's like they say it's OK to look back but don't stare, I am a different woman and a different person today. I just got caught up in a long winded breeze of potential spending on line. I suppose that's what I get for putting any credentials in the thought that girls just like having fun.

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#24 [url]

May 19 17 11:04 AM

I remember my first dream where I was aroused. I was around 4yo. When I was maybe 10yo, I had a friend that I always got naked and fooled around with and one day I put on one of his sisters dresses and it was a dramatic, wonderful feeling, life changing. After that I started fantasizing about being a girl. The feeling has never left.

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#25 [url]

May 24 17 3:39 PM

I think it was around 16 to 18... Not sure. I found a description of a game, visual novel, where a boy turns into a girl. It intrigued me. I looked for it but hasn't found. Sometime at that time, I had found erotic romance novel. It aroused me. I tried to wear my mother's pantyhose... It felt weird, inadequate. Sometimes afterwards I did found the game. It was unusual, it was confusing, it was different - a strong emotion. Since puberty hit me, I didn't experience strong emotions all that much, so I cherished them when I could. Sounds of music, that really really resonated with me. Sad movie, that made me cry. I didn't cry for very a long while until then. And this.. game. Maybe, it started before, but I didn't realise. This game. It affected me. And I wanted more. But I didn't know what I wanted. It took me years to even conceive a notion, what I looked for in those games, manga and stories.

“Trying and getting hurt can't possibly be worse for you than being... stuck.” 
Eliezer Yudkowsky, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

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