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May 9 17 8:49 AM

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Hi, 

its been really great finding this site.

i started cross dreaming in grade 2 and tried to ignore it as just my wild imagination if I wasn't busy doing things. And when I was 13 I started cross dressing. Both made me feel ashamed and needing to hide my feelings about them. Finally about 4 months ago I came out to my wife about the cross dressing (finally coming to terms with not being ashamed of it) however still holding back on telling here about the crossdreaming side , but reading a lot of people's posts here have really helped ease my guilt about this and I feel like I could tell my wife about it... hopefully it goes ok. She is really awesome and took the cross dressing news well.

but I guess before I tell her, what have been other people's experiences about coming out to their SO about crossdreaming? I have found one of jackmolay's articals that I feel sums it up really well to give her, I'm not always a great communicator of complex information in a succinct and comprehendable manner.
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#1 [url]

May 9 17 11:22 AM

Good luck with this Marney. If your wife was accepting about the dressing then I'd say there is a good chance she will be OK about the dreaming...

As to particular advice I can't help as SOs of any time have not been a feature of my life

I do think its interesting though the difference between thoughts and actions. From things I've read here and elsewhere, some people can ignore dressing so long as they don't have to see their partner dressed.. and cross dreams are not something people can 'see' .. but others might be more concerned with thoughts

Generally the area of spouses is one that troubles me in talking with people in the TG world because I do see exchanges sometimes (either as witness or participant where someone is going on about how unreasonable their spouse is at not accepting their transition, or FT dressing... and I think

Well a friend should be able to accept you as you are - I have male and female friends
A parent might have a shock to find their thought of son is a daughter or visa versa but it seems reasonable to ask for that love to continue

But marriages are different and one partner transitioning will change and maybe end that relationship spo spouses are a 'special' case in looking at the acceptance of TGism

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#2 [url]

May 9 17 12:01 PM

Hi Marney, Welcome to the forum. I am probably the last person on the planet to give advice on this particular matter. I made a big mess of coming out to my SO three years ago. But I can caution you on a few things. Your SO is going to be really really really concerned about where this is all headed. If this next revelation is the full extent of your coming out, then let her know that very very clearly. Anymore shoes dropping after that will be extremely risky for your relationship. If you just don't know whether that is the extent of it, and you are not willing to make that commitment, then you need to be very honest about that as well. But just remember that from that moment forward she will be watching everything you do, and interpreting that through the filter of the worse possible case scenario.

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#4 [url]

May 10 17 1:13 AM

I agree with April that she will be very concerned about "where will it end" and what it all means to her, as well as you. For example, does your being a crossdreamer mean that you'll want to find other relationships, with men, might you need to transition? My wife was also very worried about me, might I be attacked?

For me, it helped that I determined that I am transgender, and that it's not a choice or a fetish, it's how I was born. She accepts that now although it took her quite some time (and tears) to do so.

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#5 [url]

May 10 17 10:35 AM

Emmasweet, I think we must be married to the same woman. My wife was also worried about my personal safety, and she had fears about that spreading to her as well. She also thought that my trans identity issues were really about me having sex with other people, either males or females. Over time, these concerns have eased, but they still flare up on occasion.

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#6 [url]

May 10 17 8:21 PM

Welcome to CDL!

I wish I could help you, but I haven't ever had so much as a single date in my life, much less a SO.  That said, given that she took the crossdressing part well, I would hope such a magnaminus person would accept you as a crossdreamer as well.

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#7 [url]

May 11 17 9:18 AM

April,

Yes maybe we are (were) married to the same woman! Although we remain very close we did file for divorce about a month ago. The mediator and attorney said it was so odd to see a couple who held hands, smiled, and obviously caring for each other... get divorced. I think for her there was something about my being trans that although she acknowledges isn't my fault at all nor anything to be ashamed of, doesn't agree for her. And I'm okay with that, too. Like me, she can't and I don't want her to ignore her own feelings.

I bought a small RV and am now looking for other places to live, perhaps in Oregon or Washington. She helped me outfit it, and I bought small gay pride and trans pride stickers for it. At first she thought that was so cool but before I affixed them she was so worried that someone might attack or hurt me if they saw these. I got afraid too, so didn't put them on. But I think I will soon since they might actually (hopefully) result in meeting people who I would enjoy meeting, and if someone threatens me for having them, well, that's what 911 is for, no?

The big challenge for me now is to determine where I am under the TG umbrella. In some ways I wish I was like you, more certain that I need to transition. But maybe it's like choosing a major to study in college: we take lots of classes to explore what floats the boat. That's what I'm doing now, exploring my identity as best I can. I'm 61 and wish I'd done this a few decades ago but at this point I guess there's no real rush!

Take care,

Emma

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#8 [url]

May 11 17 10:44 AM

Marney - Emma and April have given you good advice that I can only echo. I did a reasonably good job (I think) of coming out to my wife. She made it easy actually because she has a very accepting nature and was supportive of LGBT people before we even met. It was still a shock to her when I came out to her after 8 years together - because I did not dress up at all during that time.

April's comment about "where is this going" is something to keep in mind because I was unclear with her on that one too. In my defense I was not exactly certain that I wanted to transition because I was 35 at the time and had a life / career etc. however, after 20 years of dealing with this I can tell you that full disclosure is the best way to handle this. IF you think you are heading to transition then DO tell her that! Even if you never do - tell her. She can then spend the time mentally preparing herself for it.
I was on this path and even though I decided I would not transition I still talk about this desire with her - so she knows. If I ever change my mind - well she's had 20 years to prepare. :)

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#9 [url]

May 11 17 7:15 PM

Thanks everyone, my wife has echoed everyone's concerns about my safety, ( i only dress privately) we have already had discussions about things like transitioning, and it is a path I don't wish to head down. My marriage is the most important thing to me. I was curious about have wives take to the crossdreamer aspect as explanation about what your feelings are and why they have been kept a secret?

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#10 [url]

May 11 17 8:07 PM

I'd suggest you watch this TEDx talk by Dr. Margaret Nichols, perhaps also with your wife:

I think you'll see that many transgender people such as me grow up knowing that we are shameful, have secrets, and need to hide our true identity, and that arises from both social and parental queues and guidance.

SOs are often pretty challenged by learning that their spouse is trans - regardless of where on the spectrum one is or thinks they are. It's all pretty scary. You need to be patient with her. After all you've been living with this your whole life and for her it's all new. I also didn't want to transition for the same reason that my marriage was the most important thing to me. And yet, we divorced recently. Why? Because there was something about my being trans that really bothers her in a way she can't or won't put words to. She also rightly said that as long as we were married I would be unable to fully and freely determine what I really am and need to do to be me. So, holding hands, we went to the mediator and attorneys and worked it all out. We remain in love and talk at least weekly but I've moved out and am now trying to decide where I really am under the transgender umbrella.

I'm sorry if I scare you. It's uncomfortable to be transgender and challenging and scary. But it's also beautiful and I wouldn't trade it to be cisgender. But it's your reality!

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#11 [url]

May 11 17 10:11 PM

Welcome. I came out to my wife about my crossdreaming before we got married four years ago. The main things that came up were transitioning, which I'm not in any way going for, though my wife questioned me whether this choice was based on being scared about how this would affect our relationship or how family, friends and society would react to it, and how crossdreaming would affect the relationship and particularly our sex life. My wife is very open minded, though heterosexual herself, she's by no means heteronormative in her way of thinking, same for her approach to gender identity. I consider myself very lucky in this. Absolute honesty can be painful, but it's the only way of doing this properly I think.
X, Fabienne

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#12 [url]

May 12 17 2:48 AM

Welcome Marney!

Congratulations on coming out to your wife about crossdressing. And on the fact that she is OK with it :) This means you have experience with talking about and living with something that is outside the norm and have found a way to make it work.

When I found out about Jack's crossdreaming and transgender identity I was confused and scared. I had so many questions and didn't always know what to ask. We set aside time on the weekends and during our holiday to talk about it. I could ask all kinds of questions and Jack was patient with me when there were things I didn't understand or when I mixed up the terminology. Because I was new to all this I sometimes said things that could be taken as offensive, but in stead of telling me off, he explained to me why my choice of words was not good.

It has been three years now and we have spent a lot of time talking, discussing, dreaming and working things out. It isn't always easy. Jack is dysphoric and that is hard for him and also puts a strain on me. And since Jack is not out to anyone but me, I am now in the closet with him and that can be hard at times. But mostly life is so much better now. We are open and honest with each other about our vulnerabilities and because of this we are stronger as persons and as a couple. There is a now and deeper sense of trust, which I value very much.

I have written about what it was like when I found out, what questions I had, how we worked things out. You, and maybe your wife, can red about it here: http://www.crossdreamers.com/2014/05/how-i-found-out-my-husband-is-woman.html

I have also collected resources for partners of transgender people. I don't know how relevant that is for you, but you can find it here: http://www.crossdreamers.com/2015/08/resources-for-partners-of-transgender.html

When the time comes, your wife might want someone to talk to who has experienced something similar. I know I did :) If she does, I am happy to help.

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#14 [url]

May 13 17 5:17 AM

Hi Marney and welcome. I am also new too. :)

Sadly I can't offer any useful advice regarding speaking to your significant other since I have been single for a long time but I do hope you find a way that works.

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#15 [url]

Hi all,

I had the talk with my wife the other day and it went well, because we had already talked about the more difficult parts of this in our previous conversation (about will I transition and where does this lead).
I now feel she has a better understanding of what I feel and why

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