This is a little bit of my musing on the absolute separation between reality and fantasy as it applies to myself and I figured this could spark an interesting bit of discussion. In my introduction post I mention that I basically have two mind states; one where I'm pretty much genderless, logical and practical, and he other one is my inner woman AKA my libido and stronger emotional mind state. I would like to take you back to the summer of 2004 when I went backpacking in Thailand for three weeks with a group. I had been aware of my crossdreaming for around ten years, though not knowing that specific term back then and I was still figuring things out anyway. This trip is a constant reminder to me how reality and fantasy are two different things, or rather how my gender identity is almost separate when looking at it as outward and inward identity and their associated mind state. Let me start with telling you about a true event. So in the final week of the backpacking trip I was suffering from quite a bad headache and to hopefully affect some relief I organised a head and shoulder massage. The headache did decrease, but I also got relaxed to the point of drowsiness. Since I had stubbed my toe on a large stone while in the sea earlier that week the lady indicated that she could clip my toes for me after the massage and ensure that the rip got smoothed out. Shortly after I fell asleep. Suddenly I woke up by one of the girls from my group saying my name and while chuckling she told me that the lady was actually painting my fingernails a bright crimson. I then calmly told the lady I didn't want them painted, so she removed the nail polish reluctantly, saying that I would look rather handsome in red, especially since she could get me a matching dress if I wanted. She also said that my hair was far to short. I said no to the nail polish, and the dress and dropped off again for a few minutes. Later on the girls of the group were quite loudly talking about how the massage lady had wanted to make me into a ladyboy, which caused them to have a massive chuckle at my expense, plus they were trying to get me embarrassed by talking about how my nails were so shiny and girly; I assume the girl who told me about my nails being painted had walked off and so didn't hear the comments about the dress or my hair. The guys just seemed to want nothing to do with me, especially since this probably confirmed a few things for them about me. You see, when visiting temples we had to cover up our bare legs. I did generally wear trousers during that trip which had the zips so they could be converted into either full length, three-quarter length, or above the knee shorts, however I found this rather cumbersome, especially if we were only going to be in the temple for fifteen minutes or so, so absolutely obliviously of binary gender and favouring practicality over anything else I bought a sarong. Let's face it, it's far easier to wrap around your self, no need to take off shoes/sandals, no figuring out which one was the left and which one the right trouser leg, and no mucking around with zips. Instead it was wrap, tuck, and visit temple. Practical, right? Not once did I consider that to be any form of crossdressing whatsoever, and I didn't get embarrassed or aroused by this either. I don't know whether it was unrelated, but the lady deciding to paint my nails and offer me the chance to borrow a dress could possibly have heard of my non-binary practicality of wearing a sarong for quick temple visits and assumed I was a kathoey who needed extra help in becoming more feminine. This whole experience was interesting considering the following facts. I had crossdressed a few times before and after then and this had been a cause for arousal. I've also had fantasies about being changed into a woman, either by force or necessity or as part of a game, bet or practical joke. Yet in both situations mentioned above I didn't feel anything like that, which tells me there's a distinct separation between my genderless and inner woman identities and mind state, so much so that there are distinct behavioural responses to the same events depending on whether I'm fully emerged in this reality (genderless mind state), or whether I'm fantasising or combining reality and fantasy (inner woman mind state). This separation is why I consider myself a crossdreamer and not a woman trapped in a male body. What are your thoughts? Do you experience a similar distinct separation? Or do you experience a level of integration of your inner woman where for instance your response in a similar situation to my massage anecdote would cause you to jump at the offered chance of going girly?