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Apr 16 17 12:06 PM

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Hello, I have been a frequent reader of the cross dreamers blog, which I've always found interesting and which has helped me quite a bit over the years. My gender identity is an interesting and confusing one, though I'd have to explain it in stages to hopefully make things clear. I'm physically male, but consider myself a genderless person most of the time. I'm a walking brain, and make decisions based on logic and practicality, not emotions or trends (some friends refer to me as the Vulcan sometimes, which is by no means an inaccurate descriptor). I believe I've been like this from a very early age as I just didn't get the whole binary gender thing. If I wanted to play with my sisters dolls I would do so and enjoy myself, same for cars, or maybe combining the two in an intricate storyline. I liked being physical, but I also liked being quiet, reading a book or drawing landscapes. One thing I began drawing from age 9 onward were women, graceful almost anatomically correct figures with long flowing hair. When asked about one of these drawings I told my mum or dad can't remember which) that this was the woman in my head, which they, of course put down to my imagination and didn't think too much of it. But there was, I believe the first sign of my crossdreaming, which later became the self-image of my sexuality and stronger emotions. So maybe I could write this as: "I'm an MTN person, with F crossdreaming". Still confusing though. I'm fine with my genderless identity as it really doesn't get in the way whatsoever, however I've been having some serious issues with my crossdreaming over the years. Before we married four years ago my then fiancée and I ran into a few issues where my sex drive dropped to virtually zilch, because I was suppressing my female self in order to be fair on my wife, so we talked about it and she accepts that part of me and is willing to work with that, however I've found myself stuck in a constant loop ever since then, and I've reached the point now where I want to break out of my self-imposed Cycle of crossdreaming acceptance, followed by doubt, anxiety, suppression, depression, struggling out of this and back to working on acceptance, and then the cycle repeats again. Hence why I'm here, to talk from the POV of my female self and hopefully this will help me accept this part of me fully and learn to work with myself, rather than against myself. X, Fabienne
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#2 [url]

Apr 16 17 2:57 PM

Fabienne wrote:
Hello, I have been a frequent reader of the cross dreamers blog, which I've always found interesting and which has helped me quite a bit over the years. 
Hello Fabienne!

What a pretty and unique name!  I'm Lost!  Literally!  I think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.  Do you know the way to Kookamonga?
7wXdW1d.jpg

But seriously, you can call me Lost or use my femme name Vaydra Cute  I love this forum too and am glad you decided to introduce yourself!

Fabienne wrote:
My gender identity is an interesting and confusing one, though I'd have to explain it in stages to hopefully make things clear. I'm physically male, but consider myself a genderless person most of the time. I'm a walking brain, and make decisions based on logic and practicality, not emotions or trends (some friends refer to me as the Vulcan sometimes, which is by no means an inaccurate descriptor). I believe I've been like this from a very early age as I just didn't get the whole binary gender thing. If I wanted to play with my sisters dolls I would do so and enjoy myself, same for cars, or maybe combining the two in an intricate storyline. I liked being physical, but I also liked being quiet, reading a book or drawing landscapes.
I completely get what you mean.  I often mention here that it feels like there are two of me inside my head.  A stoic logical genderless side (Lets call this side my superego) and my female crossdreaming side (lets call this my id.)  My super is constantly telling my id how we would make a horrible girl and would be miserable if we had been born female, and then she tells my superego to shut up, she wants what she wants! Tongue
Fabienne wrote:
 One thing I began drawing from age 9 onward were women, graceful almost anatomically correct figures with long flowing hair. When asked about one of these drawings I told my mum or dad can't remember which) that this was the woman in my head, which they, of course put down to my imagination and didn't think too much of it. But there was, I believe the first sign of my crossdreaming, which later became the self-image of my sexuality and stronger emotions. 
This sounds a lot like what I experience.  My id is most definitely my emotional side, and the entirety of my own sexuality.  Also, I love art and drawing!  I am not very good at it, but it is one of my passions!
Fabienne wrote:
So maybe I could write this as: "I'm an MTN person, with F crossdreaming". Still confusing though. I'm fine with my genderless identity as it really doesn't get in the way whatsoever, however I've been having some serious issues with my crossdreaming over the years. Before we married four years ago my then fiancée and I ran into a few issues where my sex drive dropped to virtually zilch, because I was suppressing my female self in order to be fair on my wife, so we talked about it and she accepts that part of me and is willing to work with that, however I've found myself stuck in a constant loop ever since then, and I've reached the point now where I want to break out of my self-imposed Cycle of crossdreaming acceptance, followed by doubt, anxiety, suppression, depression, struggling out of this and back to working on acceptance, and then the cycle repeats again. 
Again, I can relate.  My crossdreaming side also comes in waves and cycles, slowly increasing in strength and intensity over the years.  We have a couple of threads here on CDL where we have discussed this:

http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com/reply/4947/does-it-come-in-waves#.WPPsLfkrK7Q

http://crossdreamlife.lefora.com/topic/430/Does-Intensity-Crossdreaming-Come-Know#.WPPsJvkrK7Q
Fabienne wrote:
Hence why I'm here, to talk from the POV of my female self and hopefully this will help me accept this part of me fully and learn to work with myself, rather than against myself. 

X, 

Fabienne


Well I am glad you posted and hope to hear from you quite a bit!  




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#3 [url]

Apr 16 17 3:27 PM

Welcome Fabienne,

Your story is similar to others here in one important way.. we are all unique!.. I hop[e to learn more about you over time.... enjoy the site

Pip

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#4 [url]

Apr 16 17 10:14 PM

Yes I can relate to the Vulcan think... I was like Mr Spock LOL Don't get too hung up on gender labels - if you wanna say Genderless go for it. I had the gender binary drilled into my head growing up and there is no way out for me now... transgender-female identity is what I think best describes me.

*hugs* Bobbi

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#5 [url]

Thanks for the welcomes. I definitely look forward to taking part in discussions as there does seem quite a lot of overlap between my story and the parts you've mentioned of yours.
X, Fabienne

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#7 [url]

I am glad to see you here, Fabienne!

I'm physically male, but consider myself a genderless person most of the time. I'm a walking brain, and make decisions based on logic and practicality, not emotions or trends (some friends refer to me as the Vulcan sometimes, which is by no means an inaccurate descriptor).

Do you think your Vulcan side is a natural side of your personality or the result of an attempt to control your other side.

The reason I ask is that I also was a bit of a walking brain once (some would say that I still am). However, after I came to terms with my crossdreaming I realized that at least some of this is my minds attempt at controlling my own feelings.
 

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#8 [url]

I think there's possibly some control imposed by the Vulcan over the inner woman, but I've just posted a thread in "crossdreaming in your life", which illustrates that for me there's a distinct level of separation between the two minds.

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