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Apr 7 17 1:06 AM

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Hi all,

​Harri our new friend in the chatroom, has posted this introduction ..  but at the end of the Introduction to the Introduction thread...  I thought it deserved its own thread


Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I here?

Hi.

I identify as a femme, gay amab.  At around 11 years old, I started fantasizing about a sex role reversal world.  In my world, girls were astronauts, and boys were astronaut wivies.  I wanted to be househusband who lived to be sexy and beautiful.  I wanted to marry a women who would be the leader in our relationship.  She would be the breadwinner, and I would live to keep her happy.

When I started to have this fantasy, I knew that I was not like the other boys.

I think that my parents recognized that I was not going to be like the other boys and took steps to try and stop me from being a femme, gay man.  From a young age,  I was instructed to "stop being so emotional."  My brother was allowed to beat me up and dominate me constantly.  At sleep away camp, I wanted to spend my free time with the other femme boys at the  Arts and Crafts table.  I was instructed that I should shoot guns!  

Around 11 years old, I started to have crushes on boys and men.  I somehow knew that I should not act on my attractions.  In middle school and high school, I was attracted to, and friends with, other femme boys, but I did not have sex with them.  In the Boy Scouts, other boys asked me to get into their sleeping bags, and I refused.  I wanted to be next to the other boys so much, but I knew that I was not suppose to be with other boys. I think that I knew that once I started, I was not going to be able to stop.

I started dating girls in high school.  I desperately wanted to have sex with a woman.  I am sure that I thought that sex with a woman would cure my homosexuality.  

I dated women and tried to act like "normal."  I had trouble getting dates. And, the other boys would not buy it.  I was bullied and called a fag.

While I tried to be normal, I started fantasizing daily that I would get a girlfriend, and she would know that I was a fag.  She would fuck me with a strap-on dildo and eventually watch me service a real man.  After being abused and sodomized, I would lose my masculinity, and I would live as a girl.

I wanted to live like a girl!  I envied girls!  They got to wear super tight pants that showed their off their butts.  They wore tops that showed off their breasts.  And, they got all of the hot guys!  Girls were encouraged to be feminine.  I had to hide my feminine self.  I had to pretend to be aggressive and masculine.

I experimented wearing my mom's panties and trying on her lipstick.  I went to school one day with no underwear as part of a fantasy about a girlfriend telling me she wanted to able grab my penis and make me cum in public.  But, there was no dominant girlfriend.

There was no girlfriend at all.   There wasn't even anyone to talk to about all of this.

I went to college and graduate school and got married and held jobs.  I have tried my best to be a man.  

All this while, I have fantasized that I would be sodomized and emasculated and end up working as a receptionist who gives blow jobs in the men's room.

Fast forward to about year old, I separate from my wife, and I went to a gay bathhouse.  

Once I entered the bathhouse, I almost lost my mind.  I was a kid in the candy store. I grabed for every penis that I walked past.  I wanted to give a blow job to every man I saw.  

I am still sluting around.  I cannot give enough blow jobs for all of those years that I held back.  

Eventually, I would like have boyfriend.

On the gender front, I want to be femme and fablous, but I haven't really found a way to be a feminine man.  I think that a lot of the problem is that I am still that terrorized 7 year old boy repeating to himself: "Don't be emotional, don't be gay, don't be effeminate."

I am glad I have found you!!!!!!!!
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#1 [url]

Apr 8 17 4:37 AM

Thank you for sharing this, Harri.

You will soon find that a majority of the male to femal members of this forum started out as/are gynephilic (attracted to women).

There are researchers who say that people like you do not exist! But you know better and we know better. The fantasy of being a woman or having sex as a woman is not llimited to those who love women.

Am I right when I interpret what you write in such a way that you would prefer to live as a feminine man rather than transitioning?

I do not know the gay male subculture that well. I do realize that you will find bullies that make fun of feminine men there too, but I also know that many there accepts and embraces this kind of gender variance, including 'fairies' and drag queens. Have you been talking to any of them (beyond your sauna adventure?)

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#2 [url]

Apr 8 17 7:08 AM

Thanks for your message. I want to be loved for being a feminine man. I would like to live, at least part of the time, as a feminine man.  As a child, I wondered if I was a transsexual.  I think that if I had been a stronger child, I might have tried to go in that direction.  But, I was not strong enough.  I think that I made the right choice.  I think that, for me, transsexuality would have been a way for me to lead a safer life.  It would not have come from a feeling that I am a girl.  I do not feel that I am a girl.  I think girls are beautiful and wonderful, but I am not a girl.

I have had a lifelong interests in Transgender people. Transgender issues are a huge part of my life. I consider myself a part of the Transgender community.

When I am out as a femme male, I look for bullies.  I think that, in part, this is a safety issue.  But, it is also an indication that I haven't matured beyond the terrified 7-year-old boy. Also, bullying characters are integral to my sexual fantasies.

I spend time (away from sauna) dressed femme -- in the gay area of my town. I have never been bullied or even felt uncomfortable. In contrast, when I travel on "straight" public in my tight jeans, purple shoes, and too small t-shirt, I feel very uncomfortable.

One of the many benefits (for me) of this forum is that it allows me to experience my femme self and interact with others as a femme person -- without going to the sauna.  I think that this forum is helping me to stop going to the sauna.

I think a lot of the appeal of the sauna is the feeling I have that I am playing the feminine role in my sexual encounters. My intense desire to express my femme self gives the sauna a strong emotional appeal -- an appeal far beyond any sexual pressure I get. I do not go to the sauna for sexual release. I only service men and give them sexual release.

Last Edited By: harri Apr 9 17 7:03 AM. Edited 5 times.

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#3 [url]

Apr 8 17 10:46 AM

Hi Harri - It was great chatting with you the other night. I hope you stay with us for a while; you have a lot to talk about and I know that chatting here has helped me deal with a lot of shit I am going through. Crossdreaming is such an interesting term - I immediately felt that this was the place for me when I read Jack's definition of it, because I have been part of the transsexual community in the past - and that helped me a lot - until I decided not to go through with transition. Then I was made to feel (by some in the community) that I was never really transgender to begin with - Bu-Bye. Yes it can be sad and frustrating but you know what... fuck 'em.
The fact that you are questioning whether or not you want to transition is a good thing - April will tell you that it is not for everyone. I can tell you that my decision not to go through with transition has some regrets - but I am pretty sure I'd be having other regrets if I did go through with it back in 2002. Life does not have a textbook to follow - there are rewards and consequences for every action. I try very hard not to project my feelings onto what others are telling me - even if I think they are out to lunch - because: who am I to say that what they feel is wrong?
I have written about my background elsewhere in this forum so you can check me out :) as well - maybe we can talk about you again in the chat room later today. :)
*hugs* Bobbi

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#5 [url]

Apr 11 17 12:34 AM

// I have been part of the transsexual community in the past - and that helped me a lot - until I decided not to go through with transition. Then I was made to feel (by some in the community) that I was never really transgender to begin with - Bu-Bye.//

That is so sad. I don't mind that transitioning trans women need rooms where they can discuss their special challenges, but they of all people should know why a lot of transgender people end up deciding not to transition. Quite a few of us here are non-transitioning trans women.

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#6 [url]

Apr 11 17 10:53 AM

Jack wrote, That is so sad. I don't mind that transitioning trans women need rooms where they can discuss their special challenges, but they of all people should know why a lot of transgender people end up deciding not to transition. Quite a few of us here are non-transitioning trans women."

My reading on that Jack was a form of self-consciousness about their own commitment to transition - cause you know there was a hierarchy with full transition at the top. *sarcasm* The girl that told me that actually ended up stopping her HRT due to a very similar reason to me. However this attitude was very pervasive in the trans community at the time and I did understand the reason for it - fear. Fear of not being accepted themselves by the medical people, society, etc if they did not conform.

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#7 [url]

Apr 11 17 11:16 AM

Before I found this site I too found it very difficult to find my place in transgendered sites among transitioning folk. If one wasn't transisition there was always someone.. perhaps even the overarching aura of the place - who would make me feel either a fraud or a peeping Tom... Since I needed to 'let out;' what I now recognise as my crossdreaming, I'm afraid my solution was to big up my likelihood of transitioning, or, even more dishonestly, to play the role of a transitioned person.... The helped me but there was always a chance of being 'found out'... and I am basically an honest person ...

All in al, thank God - or more accurately, Jack - for this site

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