#21 [url]

Mar 29 17 10:42 PM

You're fortunate that your marriage is working for you and your wife. My wife and I, although best of friends and love each other, are in the divorce process. I've never really considered transitioning before, but now, I wonder.

I am sorry to hear about you and your wife, Emma... that it will end that way. I guess we all have hoped differently.

But I see that this open up new possibilities and options. I wish you the best whatever you do.

By the way, I read an amazing article from the British Telegraph yesterday. A 90 year old MTF transgender person decided after losing their wife, that now was the time to come out on the closet and live the life she had always dreamed about. Amazing!

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#22 [url]

Mar 30 17 12:09 AM

Oh Emma I so sorry to hear that.... On a day where I just picked up the final settlement form the sale of my house, post divorce.

I just hope you both can maintain a friendly relationship, mine break up was full of hate ...and that was from just coming out of being as a one a month part timer.

I never understood the hate from her...but it is real, she hounded me on Twitter and outed me to TERFs ...and can you believe this...even Ray Blanchard.

Nothing I had done (she went through many life threatening issues, in fact I actually saved her life) warranted that I stick by her through thick and thin, through years of hospital visits....the long nights sitting beside her listening to machines saying 'beep'... the fear that this was the last time and she would die.

Ok she could not handle me being a very part time cross dresser (as I was back then) ...but not the total hatred from her.
Funny enough she was the one person I trusted to tell, I loved her so much and thought she did too. And sexually she was amazingly broadminded...we had a wild relationship that way....weird.

Even weirder she was so supportive at first, bought me clothes, did my makeup and all the rest. Even, against my will, outed me to some close friends. One time she and I went out gender switched, she as a male and me as a female....

Would I have transitioned if she had not gone? If we could have worked out a compromise ..probably not.. I loved herthat much.

And maybe that is for the best, because I could never go back after transitioning. I'd kill myself first. I never realised just how horrible and how strong my gender dysphoria really was...and what it cost me to cope with it.

Sorry rambling ...fair bit of whisky in me now, the regrets of loss, loss of her, of not transitioning as I really thought seriously about in 2000 and ran away from ...of everything. Of my friends I loved so much...now gone

But I have new friends that really like me, to my surprise I am popular...people hug me and like me now. I can go to many places now and I just get big hugs from them. People invite me to things, come up to talk to me. I get smiles form people.

So many contacted me about my breast infection issues I have been struggling with .. that a cis women said just recently...'Lisa is a real woman now she has a woman;s health problem'.... to be fair I can think of lots of better affirmation.

If I could change anything in the past now it would be (1) transition in 2000 or (2) Miriam and I splitting but remaining friends.

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#23 [url]

Mar 30 17 6:20 AM

For me transitioning is a form of self expression, that affirms a great deal of principles that society may not accept, like how there are feminine males, and masculine females. My wife is dominant in our relationship and has been there for me during my transition and when my behavior has been unacceptable. She has been showing me that my obsessive nature often needs work, and that my view of ideology is somewhat based on her and the presence of women. I have recently downloaded a blocker since my behavior had been obsessive and compulsive. I am hoping with my wife to be more engaged in femininity, and to express myself in ways I may not be certain of as of yet.

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#24 [url]

Mar 30 17 6:47 AM

Lisa and Jack, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. My coming out to myself and my wife that I am transgender has been quite a struggle. Throughout we wanted to remain a couple and tried very hard. In the end I think there is something about my being trans that bothers her, and she either can't express it or doesn't understand it herself. Part of it is a worry that I will need to transition, or that I would. Another is that she worries that as long as we are married that I will suppress really becoming and being myself. I note how much of this seems like it's all her decision and I suppose I've left it in her hands.

But now we remain very close. We've worked out our divorce details and our meditator is amazed that we hold hands coming/leaving our meetings. And I am preparing to leave indefinitely on April 16th. I have some sadness and worries but also some joy in the thought of my freedom to be myself. I Kind of don't want to transition at all. At 61 my hair is thinning and I hate wigs. My figure is okay with a dress size of 12/14, but my face? Hmmm. That would take some work!

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#25 [url]

Apr 5 17 7:16 PM

Transitioning Looming

Transitioning is looming.  I was happy using pueraria mirifica, but the Customs Nazis in Norway have cut that out, and other phytoestrogens, while being the best available, are rather like Coca-Cola instead of wine.  

I am now crossdressing somewhat, and my feelings are changing, becoming more pro-femme.  I am looking for an endocrinologist here in Norway, becaue my regular  doctor is a little close to home.  My dream is to use Estraderm patches.

I don't know how far I want to take this.  i do know I want female breasts and buttocks.  Beyond that, I am just following my nose, so to speak.

I appreciate Jack's friendship.

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#26 [url]

Apr 25 17 5:49 PM

Lisa, Emma:  In retrospect, I'm very glad I never came out to my ex.  She can be vindictive and cruel, and often took pleasure in embarrassing me.  I'm sure she wouldn't have respected my privacy on this point either.

Last Edited By: Kippi Apr 25 17 5:58 PM. Edited 1 time.

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#27 [url]

May 18 17 4:28 PM

Always had a strong desire for hormones

I am conditioned with presenting the masculine image, but as a Dreamer I have always seen my body through a "pink" lens.  Something in me really strongly desires having a fully femaile body through hormones, although it just wouldn't be practical given my life circumstance.  This is the crux of my dysphoria.  It has brought me depression, relationship issues, risky behavior and general unhappiness.   I would have to change my life cirsumstances before hormones could become an option for me, or trudge on with the status quo as I am doing.  (Thank you for letting me put that in words.)    I think the herbal route for me with no visible effects has given me  some pshcological relief in the feeling that I am  acknowledging where I dream to go.  Is there a low level hormone therapy that could be administered by a doctor that might give me similiar relief?  


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#28 [url]

May 18 17 7:13 PM


I've asked this specific question to Dara Hoffman-Fox, a licensed gender therapist, who agrees that a "low dose" of HRT may well provide psychological relief, and if stopped before irreversible changes develop (April says that's about a year; I'd ask the endocrinologist) you can treat it all like an experiment. I suppose the scary part is that if goes well then you might want to even increase the dose.

But your specific question, I think, is whether a low dose of HRT can be administered without any physical effect. I don't know but my gut feeling is that this may be hard to know for certain until you try it. Talk to an endocrinologist!

For me, I'm beginning to entertain the idea of a low dose. I'm apprehensive about transitioning. On the one hand I know I would if it could take effect quickly and if I was left with a woman's visage and voice. We all know that that it's a much longer road than that. But if a low dose of HRT helped me feel really good then maybe that would be enough to push me in that direction. I'm meeting with a gender therapist in Seattle in a couple of weeks and plan on picking her brain about this.

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#29 [url]

May 19 17 10:30 AM

First stop therapist...

Thank you Emma for answering my question so well.  I have to not get ahead of myself with the hormones, I need a therapist first, actually a new therapist with more TG experience.  My previous therapist who I went to for acute anxiety and then decided to come out to, became an enabler for me to indulge in a lot of risky behavior trying to figure out where I fit on the LGBT spectrum. Suprise, I already knew!  I will continue with your recommendation to go through an endocrinologist to at least see if any of my typical health issues would be a problem with hormones.  A guess it takes a team to get to ones true self.

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#30 [url]

May 19 17 2:15 PM

Finasteride & Cardiovascular Risk

Phee wrote:
What are your thoughts on hormone and not transitioning? Not wanting to upset the apple cart completely, but want many of the benefits of hormone like sanity.  


I posted Finasteride & Cardiovascular Risk elsewhere in this forum. I tried Finasteride, Rx for BPH (prostate) but mostly as a transitional adjunct medication for gender trans. It brought my sex drive down to where I was easier to get along with myself, not so much testosterone driven. The down-side is that it seems to have precipitated atrial fibrillation (cardio arhythmia) to the point of my being hospitalized and referred for a cardio-version (electric shock to re-set the sinus rhythm). Stopping Finasteride resolved the cardio issues without the procedure (but a lot of Warfarin and beta-blockers!) . . .

"Benefits of hormones, like sanity."  -- I understand entirely. My psychiatrist wants to treat my anxiety/depression (PTSD) from sexual abuse with anti-androgens to reduce testosterone sex drive. I want it too, and wish that we could find something that might also stop the hair from growing all over my face and body.

Metaphysically -- ontological identity wise -- I am moving toward "queer" more and more. I am not "male" and not "female." I am queering the binaries. Lesbian colleagues refer to me as "stealth lesbian" and "stone butch with the strapless strap-on." I am most comfortable, most identity integrated in the space between the gender dyad.

I wish the testosterone would leave me alone. I wish the hair all over me would go away. I wish my penis would fade away.

But I shall be damned if I'll let the medical hegemony try to "manage" any of this in there world where what I feel is viewed as "pathological" and hte "cure" is a medical "fix."


Allison Wunderland's Transcend Dance

Last Edited By: AllisonWunderland May 19 17 2:19 PM. Edited 1 time.

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