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May 16 16 8:20 PM

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Mine does, in 3-6 month cycles and I have really know idea why or what causes the variation. I miss it, the zing I feel reading a story or wearing a dress. I am confident that it will come roaring back!
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#1 [url]

May 16 16 9:12 PM

Very much so.

There are cycles and mini cycles.  Throughout a normal day I will get small ups and down, and there are bigger and more extreme waves that take place over months.  I would go months content with my own occasional fantasies, to suddenly feeling compelled to seek out every single TG type of material I can possibly find.

In fact, this time last year I was suffering perhaps the single worst wave of my life.  It was the one that finally broke me out of being a "dark crossdreamer,"   It had it's own smaller ups and downs but overall lasted April till about Jan-Feb. I think it was particularly long lasting because I was in denial about that part of myself for so long.

I have been on a low since then, but feel like I am on the start of another upswing again.  I guess this is what is meant by the term "Gender fluid."

As for why this happens, I don't know but I think that our crossdreaming side is fighting against our own coping mechanisms and the latter are getting worn down and having to rest.  


I think this because I have noticed that my own crossdreaming episodes seem to, on average, last longer and longer and increase in intensity.  Something you would expect if your coping mechanisms are wearing down.


Edit: I wanted to add one thing. Lately I have noticed that the waves ALWAYS intensify as I try to go to sleep.

Last Edited By: Lost247365 May 27 16 4:56 AM. Edited 4 times.

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#2 [url]

May 16 16 10:19 PM

Vaydra said
"As for why this happens, I don't know but I think that our crossdreaming side is fighting against our own coping mechanisms and the latter are getting worn down and having to rest."

I think same way about reasons of why it goes like cycle.

I think it is very complicated. Not only cycle of switch the intensity of crossdreaming, but cycle of gender identity switch and gender dysphoria switch. For example, today i can feel me woman only on 60%, has very strong crossdreaming phatasies but not so huge dysphoria. But other day my gender identity can be like 90%, but crossdreaming weak and dysphoria high.
When i recognized my transness but still was not coming out in front of wife and my crossdressing and feminine activity was complely restricted it was cycle.
1) intensity of female feelings increase, crossdreaming phantasies increase 2) peak of that and increasing of dysphoria 3) decrease of female feelengs, fall to genderless condition with low intensity of crossdreaming. That cycle repeat every day, or during one week.

Now it is more complicated, and very depended from positive things in life or negative and stresfful. Negative decrease all of that and push me in genderless condition with lost personality and emotional coldness, while positive make me more feminine, crossdreaming intensity increase and if i can support it with crossdressing and feminine activity it works like positive feedback, but it shift me more and more to female personality

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#3 [url]

May 17 16 12:48 AM

I have been keeping a mental note on my crossdreaming and seems to me that it's worse in the morning and seems to be better by the evening so a daily cycle, but I also seems to have some kind a quarterly cycle which my skin becomes extremely spotty this is when my crossdreaming is at it's height, when both collide.

Currently skin is soft as report by my wife spots are all cleared up and feeling calm and my feminine side is in control strange but loving it, and crossdreaming is hardly their, and anxiety is also low.

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#4 [url]

May 17 16 2:48 AM

It used to do, but recently my crossdreamer/transgender feelings have become more constant. That might be due to being on various transgender forums and subreddits, though. I did use to have accounts on trans forums such as Laura's Playground but never really used such accounts as much as I do nowadays.

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#6 [url]

May 19 16 10:16 AM

Lost247365 wrote:
As for why this happens, I don't know but I think that our crossdreaming side is fighting against our own coping mechanisms and the latter are getting worn down and having to rest. 

That's the only way I managed to "come out to myself." I got so worn down suppressing it that I had to admit it to myself.

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#7 [url]

May 25 16 9:35 PM

Why? I think it has to do with how our minds are trying to balance both sides, that dichotomy is bound to have strong moments for either. We're raised and fighting as one over the other. So as barriers are broken, we get a strong surge of feeling our internal selves, but then the real world and society brings or tempers all of that once more down to previous levels.

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#8 [url]

May 25 16 10:48 PM

There are cycles to my crossdreaming too, for sure, but I have not been able to find clear patterns.

At times it seems that more daylight leads to more crossdreaming (living as I do, far north of the Wall ;), and that may be a result of increased hormone production of sorts. But my heaviest surge of crossdreaming -- the one that made me stop running away -- was mid-winter, at the time when Scandinavian life is at the gloomiest. So I don't know.

I have found that stress may influence it, sometimes amplifying the urgr or at least make it more dysphoric.

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#9 [url]

May 26 16 3:33 AM

I hadn't thought of its having a seasonal component to it before but perhaps it does for me. There's something about when it's cold outside that makes me want to feel cozy and girly. Now that we're in the warmer season I'll keep that in mind as an experiment to test that hypothesis. Thanks!

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#10 [url]

May 26 16 5:08 PM

I think I have these high and lows too. For me, in summer it decreases as it is hotter and leg wear is no longer present in streets until Autumn.

Last Edited By: dEva Jun 7 16 3:31 PM. Edited 1 time.

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#11 [url]

Jun 1 16 5:08 PM

MeganC wrote:
Why? I think it has to do with how our minds are trying to balance both sides, that dichotomy is bound to have strong moments for either. We're raised and fighting as one over the other. So as barriers are broken, we get a strong surge of feeling our internal selves, but then the real world and society brings or tempers all of that once more down to previous levels.

Megan's observation resonates with me. My wife and I recently had a heart-to-heart and open conversation about what it means for me to be trans which left me feeling very good about myself and our relationship. So as Megan said, the barrier was broken, and I did feel a surge amd freedom to be Emma. Conversely I had a difficult time today with the wife of our company's CEO who really dissed me, treated me like a minion. I am recovering but it takes me time, during which I feel like crawling into my tortoise shell and pulling in my head and feet. 

I'm glad to hear that others have their feelings come and go. I think that is healthy, too. We are not all about being transgender. We have much more to give and receive in our lives.

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#12 [url]

Jun 1 16 9:52 PM

Mine does too. To a large extent it follows the requirements of my outward life. Periods when I'm left alone, have time to reflect and just be, my crossdreaming can take over in major ways. Other times, like now for instance, when I'm working a physically demanding, typical blue collar 9 to 5, it recedes into the background. Largely it's a matter of social and psychological survival. There cannot be too wide discrepancies when demands are put on you to handle big, heavy and manly machinery with focused precision. It's too psychologically taxing and might quickly turn dangerous in several ways.

Where I work now is no place for a woman. Especially if you're not a real one.

Last Edited By: Monique Jun 1 16 10:13 PM. Edited 1 time.

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#13 [url]

Jun 2 16 10:57 AM

yes, yes and again yes!

this has come up many times here and at the old CDL. nearly all replies are 'yes'. i think some mean cycles of months or even years, others of days or even hours, others experience both mini and maxi cycles. yet cycles/waves they all are. i like this - it indicates that we really do have something particular in common. no one told us our crossdreaming would be like this, there's no obvious reason that it should be, yet we each independently find that it is like this.

i think life situations such as being busy play a part and psychological vulnerability in a particular situation can trigger it, but i think there is something deeper that keeps it flowing.

it's frustrating because it impedes moving in a consistent direction. more positively it creates variety in our lives. the waning of the cd waves can help the masculine rl life by giving it attention and belief in it as a full identity. yet i think we all know the lovely zing of crossdreaming, and the deep feelings behind that zing.

i do recommend honoring your crossdreaming nature when you feel far removed from it in the present, and honoring your rl masculinity when the crossdreaming is intense. there are good reasons for identifying with your outer maleness - it is not just 'internalised transphobia' or 'denial'. xx

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#14 [url]

Jun 3 16 11:14 PM

It varies with my male hormones, I think.  But more recently it is related to an overall feeling of femininity.  I believe I have turned a corner with my pueraria mirifica, and my little male clitty is taking more naps.

Last Edited By: IanBrianna Jun 10 16 3:00 AM. Edited 1 time.

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#15 [url]

Jun 5 16 12:49 AM

But what if our crossdreaming level really samt all ime, just our coping mechanisms work with different intensity. If it is work well we fill less, if work not good, it is breakthrow to our mind and press us. but it is exist all time because conflict between our true gender and gender expression exist all our life. And when we next time full in crossdreaming, it is just mean - our brain again lose power to protect our "male gender illusion"

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#16 [url]

Jun 5 16 8:41 PM

I just identified something that triggers me, big time: reporting on trans kids. Yesterday I watched an excellent Frontline (PBS) show called "Growing Up Trans". It took my breath away. I admire and envy those kids so much. I felt the same way watching a 20/20 episode with Barbara Walters on trans kids. There is another one from Sweden I think (with English subtitles) called "I Am a Girl." I can well imagine why these affect me so much. Of course we didn't have the puberty blockers and hormone treatments that they have today fifty years ago. But my heart aches as I think of what I missed.

But I want to find more of these shows, not fewer. As much as they bring on painful crossdreaming, there is something so wonderful. Maybe the ultimate crossdream for me.

Last Edited By: Emmasweet Jun 5 16 8:54 PM. Edited 2 times.

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#17 [url]

Jun 6 16 4:05 AM

Same.

Your mind is software. Program it.

Your body is a shell. Change it.
Death is a disease. Cure it.
Extinction is approaching. Fight it!

© "Eclipse Phase" by Posthuman Studios

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#18 [url]

Jun 8 16 5:24 PM

Right now my mind is so taken with 2 issues, one personal/employment and one national here in the UK, I'm really not doing much crossdreaming at all

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#19 [url]

Jun 8 16 8:37 PM

PipX wrote:
Right now my mind is so taken with 2 issues, one personal/employment and one national here in the UK, I'm really not doing much crossdreaming at all

I can well imagine, that's a heavy load. Hard to say for sure whether the UK should stay in the EU. Perhaps more urgent for you is the employment issue, so that's the one to focus on. Do you have trouble with that? I do, at times. I come up with all sorts of crap that postpones and procrastinates. I then have to break it down into its smallest increment and then force myself to work on that single thing, sometimes with a reward for myself. Sometimes then it gets easier, sometimes not.

My best wishes for you,

Emma

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#20 [url]

Jun 9 16 6:27 AM

Actually its very easy to know whether the UK should stay in the EU, but I'm trying to keep politics off these boards, except where that realates to gender issues... so for now I am not even going to say here which side I am definitely on...(although thats very hard for me because some people might now think I'm on the other side but I don't want to debate it here)


I think its fair to say, to stick on the original question, my crossdreaming returns when I stop to think about it - I think for someone who needs to transisition, the issue is with them even when they are not thinking about it

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